So it’s late October, and the truth is, it’s to late to think about Halloween costumes now and let’s be honest unless you’re an 18-28 year old female that needs an excuse to defile a nurses outfit a police women’s uniform or your local Prep school’s plaid skirt, no one will care or remember what you go as this year. So push ‘em up and get your hoe on!
However it is time to start thinking about all of the excitement that is the dawning of autumn. Such time honored traditions like taking your wife’s colorful, lively and fun spring/summer clothes to the attic replacing them with the largest collection of brown, black and navy sweaters ever assembled or deciding how to tell one side of the family that they didn’t make the cut for a Thanksgiving visit this year and of course there’s figuring out which new years resolution is still attainable and finally deciding which social leach deserves to be voted in or out of public office. But when it’s 89 degrees outside, the only waft of cool air you can find is when you climb a step stool and stand under an AC vent and the only colorful signs of the season strewn about your front lawn are for voting yes on Prop #25 and re-electing a do nothing Lt. Governor, it’s hard to think of anything Fall related. But if you take a blender add 8 parts fall, 6 parts college football and 2 parts slutty nurse, there can be a little fun to be had.
Let us see how the political season and the college football season can be meshed together, let’s create a government for the people, by the people and of the coaches.
President – Nick Saban: Reigning National Champs and came into 2010 highly favored; he did let one slip to a wily old salt in Steve Spurrier, but Nick is still the bell of the ball and top draw everywhere he goes. Plus he has a statue in his likeness being crafted and has already not approved 3 attempts, very presidential.
Vice President – Urban Meyer: Sat at the top in his circle for a while, turns out it was 1 really valuable asset that got him there, when said asset decided to strike out on his own things got ugly fast. The health issues have nothing to do with this appointment.
Speaker of the House – Mike Leach: Although he holds a law degree as do many politicos, not sure much would get done between never ending happy hours and commuting snafus between Key West and DC, but that’s about par for politics. One absolute, it would certainly make C-Span must see TV.
Secretary of State – Mack Brown: Accrues the best talent, can dabble in all the other Sec. business, spin’s the most negative situations, glad hands anyone that might have something he doesn’t yet but wants and can place all the blame on others when the façade begins to crumble.
Secretary of the Treasury – Lane Kiffin: In true Kiffin style this came down to a run-off, but the chosen one, with millions in the bank, 3 premier coaching jobs by 35 years of age and a career loosing record did in fact run-off with this post. He has also managed to keep getting Ed Orgeron paid and paid handsomely, so give credit where credit is due; just don’t get too attached to the baby faced charlatan.
Secretary of Defense – Mike Gundy: It is believed that by appointing The 41 year old Man to the highest position of Defense in the land, his teams might learn how to play some.
Attorney General(s) – Chris Peterson and Gary Patterson: These two stalwarts of the oft forgotten would like nothing more than a favorable court ruling forcing the BCS and every other rankings poll to take them seriously.
Secretary of the Interior – Houston Nutt: He has hired an entire high school coaching staff from his then home state to ensure the commitments of 3 highly touted prospects; this didn’t work out so well. He took a new job not only within his previous conference but within the same division. He took an exiled player from Oregon that was as familiar with Mississippi as Nutt is with ethics and named him starting QB at Ole Miss. The man knows nothing but the inside, the interior, and he has never had to look further than his current environs for his next opportunity….. I would hate to be his neighbor!
Secretary of Agriculture – Gen Chizik: Gene has hitched his team and his career on a professed black mule, just quoting what the kid’s dad said, and it’s succeeding beyond all expectations. No need to go underground his Auburn railroad is steaming across the Plains.
Secretary of Labor – Rich Rodriguez: This man knows nothing but Labor. Rich Rod has been repeatedly accused of going over the allotted 20 hrs/week permitted by the NCAA for practice time. Yet he could be looking for labor real soon if things don’t turn around quickly in Ann Arbor.
Secretary of Commerce – Butch Davis: This guy knows how to get it for his players or how to turn a blind eye while they are getting phat off agents. This term will be short, too much unauthorized commerce and shame for the pride of Tobacco Road.
Secretary of Health and Human Services – Mark Mangino: This is more of a figure head roll, at some point soon he will be donated to science and many HHS questions will be answered and myths debunked.
Secretary of House and Urban Development – Pete Carroll: The man truly had a finger on the pulse of his USC championship teams, he saw to it that everyone including Reggie Bush and his parents didn’t go without shelter along with other developments (cash money b!tches) for his players. And like the good Sheppard when his work was done and his flock tended too (hood rich) he got out of college football and into the “can’t touch me now” NFL.
Secretary of Transportation – Bob Stoops: The guy flat out knows transportation, from Escaldes for Adrian Peterson to the “tire”less work of Rhett Bomar at Big Red Motors. They say the guy can break down any motor put in front of him, unfortunately the same can’t be said for offenses in BCS bowl games.
Secretary of Energy – Chip Kelley: His team runs 110 plays a game, they average 54 points per game and Autzen Stadium never stops rocking. He replaces Mike Sherman, who clearly left it all on the field.
Secretary of Education – Jim Harbough: The guy wins, a lot, with a collection of athletic programmers, economist and guys that summer camped at Goldman Sachs. USC’s defensive line combined had the same SAT as his QB, audibles and checks at the line of scrimmage are made in Latin, they receive or defer based on rising and falling tides.
Head of the Senate Page Program – Les Miles: Too old to be a Page himself and having never cracked the required 3.0 GPA, Les shared some of his infamous luck with the 3 Kennedy boys over the years in return he asked to be the Head Page. Seems his luck was good for a while, but as history will tell it eventually ran out for two of them. And now we are stuck with Les.
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