Views from the Levee

Vote or Die….literally in some cases.

2010-11-02T18:52:00.002-05:00

Election Day – The single most polarizing day that defines the underlying disparity between democracies, industrialized nations, and progressive countries populated with innovative minded citizens from their adversaries. A day in which individuals are stripped down of anything and everything deemed to have individual worth and the playing field is leveled with a simple single vote per person.

Religion is most often the scapegoat for brewing hatred and the infliction of terror, but in the modern times it is not the driving force, just the convenient patsy. Freedom which is expressed through public elections is what most strikes fear in the minds and hearts of those who prefer to oppress.

Certainly elections are held the world over, but the truth is that most are held under the real fear that the simple act of showing up to vote could cost one their life and almost equally as terrifying is that regardless of their vote or the number of votes cast, an outcome was well determined prior election day. To some it’s just a purple dye stained thumb, visible proof of a vote cast, but to those with the purple thumb it might possibly be the most cherished empowering act of their life.

Every recognized nation on the planet bares a flag that carries deep symbolic meaning and equally as deep is the pride for that flag and the, at all costs, protection and defense of said flag. But at the end of the day, people can burn and desecrate a flag, which is no doubt troubling because of the symbolism, but the real hope of these would be flag burners is to disrupt free, democratically based elections. All people from every religion in every social class representing every gender being able to cast a free and equal vote is what fuels the hatred.

The Fourth of July, Easter, Christmas, New Years Eve, Memorial Day, Veterans Day etc all would seem like ideal days for hopeful terrorists to unleash some concocted plan and really attack the morale of a nations people during times of celebration, while also trying to prop up some sort of mite and credibility they want others to fear they posses. But Election Day is the day Democracies cherish, the one day that defines a nation comprised of every conceivable background, Election Day allows real mite, importance, credibility, tolerance and freedom to be the virtue by which everyone stands.

Go Vote, or don’t bitch!

Sooner born.... sooner dead.

2010-10-27T09:12:00.005-05:00

Is all publicity good publicity? University of Oklahoma officials are meeting at this moment to determine if there is any way to spin Jeffrey Landrigan’s ill timed usage of the famed “Boomer Sooner” chant to their competitive advantage. Good luck with this, remember how the land stealing thing turned out? Can’t imagine the brass in Norman using Jeffrey Landrigan in their newest installment off “We Have it All.”

Reports say that Jeffrey was only denied two of his pre-execution requests:
An 8 ball with his final meal and a conjugal visit with his first cousin Tammy.

He was a Sooner born a Sooner bred and by the power of the State of Arizona now he’s Sooner dead.

The joys of Autumn: The hoeing of Halloween, the hoeing of politics and of course college football.

2010-10-26T16:00:00.003-05:00

So it’s late October, and the truth is, it’s to late to think about Halloween costumes now and let’s be honest unless you’re an 18-28 year old female that needs an excuse to defile a nurses outfit a police women’s uniform or your local Prep school’s plaid skirt, no one will care or remember what you go as this year. So push ‘em up and get your hoe on!

However it is time to start thinking about all of the excitement that is the dawning of autumn. Such time honored traditions like taking your wife’s colorful, lively and fun spring/summer clothes to the attic replacing them with the largest collection of brown, black and navy sweaters ever assembled or deciding how to tell one side of the family that they didn’t make the cut for a Thanksgiving visit this year and of course there’s figuring out which new years resolution is still attainable and finally deciding which social leach deserves to be voted in or out of public office. But when it’s 89 degrees outside, the only waft of cool air you can find is when you climb a step stool and stand under an AC vent and the only colorful signs of the season strewn about your front lawn are for voting yes on Prop #25 and re-electing a do nothing Lt. Governor, it’s hard to think of anything Fall related. But if you take a blender add 8 parts fall, 6 parts college football and 2 parts slutty nurse, there can be a little fun to be had.

Let us see how the political season and the college football season can be meshed together, let’s create a government for the people, by the people and of the coaches.

President – Nick Saban: Reigning National Champs and came into 2010 highly favored; he did let one slip to a wily old salt in Steve Spurrier, but Nick is still the bell of the ball and top draw everywhere he goes. Plus he has a statue in his likeness being crafted and has already not approved 3 attempts, very presidential.

Vice President – Urban Meyer: Sat at the top in his circle for a while, turns out it was 1 really valuable asset that got him there, when said asset decided to strike out on his own things got ugly fast. The health issues have nothing to do with this appointment.

Speaker of the House – Mike Leach: Although he holds a law degree as do many politicos, not sure much would get done between never ending happy hours and commuting snafus between Key West and DC, but that’s about par for politics. One absolute, it would certainly make C-Span must see TV.

Secretary of State – Mack Brown: Accrues the best talent, can dabble in all the other Sec. business, spin’s the most negative situations, glad hands anyone that might have something he doesn’t yet but wants and can place all the blame on others when the façade begins to crumble.

Secretary of the Treasury – Lane Kiffin: In true Kiffin style this came down to a run-off, but the chosen one, with millions in the bank, 3 premier coaching jobs by 35 years of age and a career loosing record did in fact run-off with this post. He has also managed to keep getting Ed Orgeron paid and paid handsomely, so give credit where credit is due; just don’t get too attached to the baby faced charlatan.

Secretary of Defense – Mike Gundy: It is believed that by appointing The 41 year old Man to the highest position of Defense in the land, his teams might learn how to play some.

Attorney General(s) – Chris Peterson and Gary Patterson: These two stalwarts of the oft forgotten would like nothing more than a favorable court ruling forcing the BCS and every other rankings poll to take them seriously.

Secretary of the Interior – Houston Nutt: He has hired an entire high school coaching staff from his then home state to ensure the commitments of 3 highly touted prospects; this didn’t work out so well. He took a new job not only within his previous conference but within the same division. He took an exiled player from Oregon that was as familiar with Mississippi as Nutt is with ethics and named him starting QB at Ole Miss. The man knows nothing but the inside, the interior, and he has never had to look further than his current environs for his next opportunity….. I would hate to be his neighbor!

Secretary of Agriculture – Gen Chizik: Gene has hitched his team and his career on a professed black mule, just quoting what the kid’s dad said, and it’s succeeding beyond all expectations. No need to go underground his Auburn railroad is steaming across the Plains.

Secretary of Labor – Rich Rodriguez: This man knows nothing but Labor. Rich Rod has been repeatedly accused of going over the allotted 20 hrs/week permitted by the NCAA for practice time. Yet he could be looking for labor real soon if things don’t turn around quickly in Ann Arbor.

Secretary of Commerce – Butch Davis: This guy knows how to get it for his players or how to turn a blind eye while they are getting phat off agents. This term will be short, too much unauthorized commerce and shame for the pride of Tobacco Road.

Secretary of Health and Human Services – Mark Mangino: This is more of a figure head roll, at some point soon he will be donated to science and many HHS questions will be answered and myths debunked.

Secretary of House and Urban Development – Pete Carroll: The man truly had a finger on the pulse of his USC championship teams, he saw to it that everyone including Reggie Bush and his parents didn’t go without shelter along with other developments (cash money b!tches) for his players. And like the good Sheppard when his work was done and his flock tended too (hood rich) he got out of college football and into the “can’t touch me now” NFL.

Secretary of Transportation – Bob Stoops: The guy flat out knows transportation, from Escaldes for Adrian Peterson to the “tire”less work of Rhett Bomar at Big Red Motors. They say the guy can break down any motor put in front of him, unfortunately the same can’t be said for offenses in BCS bowl games.

Secretary of Energy – Chip Kelley: His team runs 110 plays a game, they average 54 points per game and Autzen Stadium never stops rocking. He replaces Mike Sherman, who clearly left it all on the field.

Secretary of Education – Jim Harbough: The guy wins, a lot, with a collection of athletic programmers, economist and guys that summer camped at Goldman Sachs. USC’s defensive line combined had the same SAT as his QB, audibles and checks at the line of scrimmage are made in Latin, they receive or defer based on rising and falling tides.

Head of the Senate Page Program – Les Miles: Too old to be a Page himself and having never cracked the required 3.0 GPA, Les shared some of his infamous luck with the 3 Kennedy boys over the years in return he asked to be the Head Page. Seems his luck was good for a while, but as history will tell it eventually ran out for two of them. And now we are stuck with Les.

Happiness is non-conference games in the rear view mirror.

2010-09-21T17:33:00.002-05:00

Hard to believe but here we sit three weeks into what has already been an entertaining college football season that has produced more than enough story lines worthy of intrigue and interest. In the time it takes Lindsay Lohan to go to jail, get released, got to rehab, get released, fail a drug test and presumably go back to jail, our favorite teams have played 2-3 games and created some highly exhilarating drama between the white stripes. So what have we learned other than, Hollywood and rehab go together like USC and institutional control? A lot actually, some lessons of note:

* Scheduling and paying FCS/Division II, or whatever they go by this season, teams to appease the alumni and make your blue chip players feel good about themselves doesn’t always work out – Ask Ole Miss about Jacksonville State and Virginia Tech about James Madison.

* Notre Dame getting bested by a gutsy fake field goal to lose to the other Michigan team (Sparty), aftering falling to Big Blue the week prior, has made it officially 11 years since ND was relevant.

* Tim Tebow will be more missed than many (The Levee included) outsiders thought in Gainesville. Wonder if he could come back and play center?

* The sate of Florida produces speed and more speed. Miami, UF and FSU can only sign so many guys, meaning SFU, CFU, FIU. Fla Atlantic etc end up with some great athletes. Ask Texas A&M about the speed and athleticism at FIU.

* Regardless of where he’s coaching Lane Kiffin is a first class A-hole. Going for 2 all game against Hawaii. Really Lane? We know you’re not better than that, but surely your legend of a father has to be.

* Alabama’s two deep could beat 85 % of the FBS/Division 1 teams in the country.

* Boise State might be for real, they were for a week in everyone’s mind, until Virginia Tech got beat at home by James Madison University. That took a little wind out of the Boise State sails. Should know a little more about the Broncos this week when they get their last, and only the second, test of the season against Oregon State.

* The BIG 12 screwed up (this refers to screw up #1 by the conference, not the subsequent thousands) by taking Baylor over TCU in 1996. This was proven again last weekend when the Frogs out classed the Bears for 60 minutes and close to some 40 points.

* Oklahoma is going to bring their A game every other week this season.

* Tommy Tubberville is NOT going to run the same and/or a possibly improved version of the offense that Mike Leach utilized at Texas Tech. 144 total yards against Texas this year, Tech had over 400 yards passing in this game last year.

* Mark Richt has done Les Miles the biggest favor one coach can do for another besides of course losing to him; he has made his own seat 10 times hotter than Miles seat was a mere three weeks ago.

* If Texas wants to be a part of the conversation when the elite programs are being discussed, a running back must emerge from somewhere. 3 have tried 3 have failed.

* The SEC is clearly the dominant conference; when one power is down a new one rises up. Tennessee down – South Carolina up, Georgia down – Arkansas up. With that said, their internal cannibalism might “bite” them at the end this year.

* Nebraska is heads and shoulders above the next closest challenger in the BIG 12 North. Oklahoma is probably the clear cut leader in the South, but this division is much more wide open. Or as wide open as a 5 team division can be, Baylor doesn’t exist to the BIG 12 anymore.

* Ohio State is the bell of the BIG 10 ball.

* Oregon has put up gaudy numbers and appears to be the team to beat in the PAC 10, but Stanford and Arizona will have something to say about this.

* The NCAA and its committee that determines player’s eligibility has intervened and presumably affected the outcomes of a handful of games already this year. LSU/North Carolina (14 UNC players out) , all of Georgia’s games (AJ Green 4 game suspension) and in ironic fashion 2 of 3 Ole Miss games (reinstating Jeremiah Masoli for better or worse, apparently for worse).

The beauty of College Football is that in a week or two this list will be antiquated and a list of equal length, boasting equal intrigue yet comprised of completely different story lines will have emerged.

Agents, jerseys, $1000 payments, midgets and South Beach…not a Kardashian show but week 2 of college football.

2010-09-08T16:31:00.000-05:00

Georgia All-everything WR AJ “gots to get that “Green has been suspended for 4 games because, you’ll never believe this, but for selling his Independence Bowl jersey to a person that the NCAA has deemed to “meet the definition of a sports agent”. There must have been some Aggie maroon smeared on that penny somewhere, otherwise this just makes no sense. Oh it went for $1,000.00 FYI. So AJ sells his jersey, once, for a grand and gets 1/3 of his season taken away, while the University of Georgia currently offers eight different versions of his #8 UGA jersey and only gets 60% of the royalties, which must reach heavy 7 figures. To add more confusion, Marcel Darius at Alabama goes to South Beach not once, but twice on an agent’s dime and gets 2 games to sit and think about it, last time we looked 2 trips to A1A cost a bit more than $1000. More than anything this is just face palming unbelievable. In fact right this second somewhere Jesse Ventura and Mickey Rourke are tossing midgets into oncoming traffic screaming “ONLY IN AMERICA!!”

The un-official top 25, with 25 - 6 being laid out while 5 - 1 is a complete lay up on our end. Sorry, deal with it, or make your own.

2010-09-02T11:12:00.002-05:00

#25 – Auburn – The Tigers are hell bent on reminding the nation that there is football in Alabama not played in Tuscaloosa. With Clemson as the only non-conference game of significance War Eagle will have to run the usual SEC gauntlet but will enjoy a 2 week break before trying to finish what they started last year; that being a beat down of the Crimson Tide. Watch out for Arky State in week one, rumor has it they play a little above their heads opening weekend at large Land Grant D-1 schools.

#24 – Texas A&M – Speaking of Arky State and land grant universities, that all sounds real familiar here. The Aggies should have ended with a better than 6-7 record last year. Loses at Colorado and a gift wrapping to Oklahoma State were inexcusable, but the country a$$ whipping in Manhattan was the peak of the bad. A&M either won handedly or bent over and took it quickly and often. Outside of the Thanksgiving night Jerrod Johnson coming out party, where he was clearly the best QB on the field, Texas A&M was either on the giving side or receiving side of very lopsided affairs. This is good and bad, good because when giving your offense can put up gaudy numbers, bad because when receiving your defense can give up gaudy numbers. Aggie fan knows this well. A switch to the 3-4 defensive scheme hopes to stir the echoes of the great Wrecking Crew Defenses of old. But something tells me John Roper, Aaron Wallace, Quentin Coryatt, Patrick Bates, Sam Adams, Kevin Smith, Aaron Glenn, William Thomas, Marcus Buckley, Keith Mitchell, Brandon Mitchell, Dat Nguyen etc aren’t walking through those doors anytime soon. Christine Michael is one of the best 4 RB’s in the conference, Jeff Fuller is one of the top 5 WR's in the country and will compliment the Aggies deepest and most talented wide receivering corp they've ever had in College Station, scoring wont be an issue, keeping the others from doing so might be.

#23 – West Virginia – Rich Rod who? One can think that Mountaineer fans are okay with losing this loser all the sudden. Although they are still having to deal with some of his past shenanigans, West Virginia will field the most experienced team in the Big East. Notables like speedster Noel Devine and a tough stingy defense that returns 9 starters will help ease the pressure on Sophomore QB Geno Smith. Smith played sparingly last year but missed the spring with a broken foot. Sources say he has the talent, but didn’t we all at one point? A huge late September trip to Baton Rouge could tell us a lot about this team all while providing third class entertainment, swamp trash v. hillbillies. Ultimate question, can they challenge Pitt for Big East supremacy? Don’t overlook back to back games at UConn and two weeks later Cincy at home.

#22 – Utah – The Utes have seemed to surpass their in-state missionary bound brethren to the tune of a PAC-10 invite, only to have BYU responsd by declaring their football independence. Regardless Utah has their eyes focused on the Horned Frogs of TCU and will get a crack at them in Nov. The Utah offense, especially the RB tandem will be leaned on heavily to carry the team due to the need of replenishment on the defense which was picked apart in the last NFL draft. First game against Pitt will tell a lot, but won’t break their season either way. Enjoy the BCS buster title while you got it, because when you start heading west for every game in the PAC-10, the Poinsettia Bowl might become more of a regular reality.

#21 – South Carolina – It’s hard to believe that quarterback guru Steve Spurrier hasn’t had a good one in 5 years at South Carolina. That’s what will need to change for the Gamecocks to rise up and challenge in the SEC East. Stephen Garcia, QB, can look like Ryan Mallet at times and just as quickly turn into Ryan Leaf (NFL Ryan Leaf). Consistency is a must and Spurrier will demand it out of the multi-year starter. An early Labor Day test against Southern Mississippi should be a good litmus test for what Cock fans can expect as they prepare for the rigors of the SEC schedule. The defense should be salty again, even with having to replace NFL bound Eric Norwood and prized recruit Marcus Lattimore should provide a good shot in the arm at the RB position. Here’s hoping they shake up the SEC hierarchy, it’s always fun having a Cock(y) ole ball coach pacing the sidelines. Plus it’s good on the visors to not meet the turf so often.

#20 – Georgia – It’s hard to imagine a guy with a 77% winning percentage over 9 years could be even remotely close to the hot seat. But it’s also hard to think while Mark Richt was accumulating wins his conference foes would have 5 combined BCS National Championships. It is what it is. UGA is replacing the quarterback, but has two quality options, including highly touted incoming freshmen Aaron Murray in the mix. They will also trot out AJ Green, WR, arguably one of the top 5 WR’s in the country, even in the run first minded SEC. One game to keep an eye on is a non-conference trip to Colorado in early October. Georgia is a superior team, but they would be neither the first nor the last team with more talent to go up in the altitude at Boulder and come away with a head scratching loss. Some off the field issues are going to cloud the next few weeks, regardless Coach Richt needs to continue to win and get the best of Florida at that cocktail get together this year. At least the AD at the beginning of the summer took some of the heat off, to the tune that here at the end of the summer he is no longer AD. Cross-hairs back on Richt.

# 19 – Georgia Tech – The smarter more urban cousin of the #20 ranked Georgia team lands at the 19 spot. The rambling wreck from Georgia Tech will continue to run the double-slot option and with an experienced and savvy guy like QB Josh Nesbitt at the helm, the immediate future looks bright. The defending ACC champions and BCS Orange bowl runner-ups (nice way of saying loser) will have to find a way to replace RB Jonathan Dwyer who was drafted last year. For the option to work efficiently it is imperative to have no fewer than two threats, Nesbitt has already been proven as one, so finding a second to compliment him is a must. Now the other side of the ball is a toss-up. In is former NFL and most recently UVA head man, Al Groh as the defensive coordinator. Groh will implement the 3-4 defensive scheme and with some crafty work could have the Jackets contending for the ACC and BCS bowl game again this season.

# 18 – LSU – The bayou Bengals are a real question mark this year. Yes they have the talent, yes they have the conference, yes they have the out of conference schedule, yes they have the home field advantage, yes they have the tradition, but unfortunately for them yes they still have Les Miles. There might not be a warmer seat in the country than the one that Lil Les finds himself perched on and it’s only getting warmer. The tiger faithful are split, half love him and half hate him. Both for good reason, he did bring home a national championship, don’t mind the constant second guessing; from who’s players they were to a 2 loss team playing for the BCS championship. He also has repeatedly puts his players in bad situations, see Ole Miss last year, and has had some odd if not completely confusing things to say over the past 4-5 years. The play of QB Jordan Jefferson was great at times, but down right Jarrett Lee like at times as well. They will field a very talented group of WR’s and defensive secondary, but is that enough to overcome the dreaded Les-factor? An early season date with North Carolina and then a home affair with West Virginia could give the tigers the confidence they need to face and challenge for the talented SEC West.

# 17 – North Carolina – Butch Davis was supposed to turn a basketball crazed school into a semi-interested football school. He was having some success, recruiting well and winning more games, then what seems to be half of the team decided rules didn’t apply to them and we all await word from the NCAA as to what the punishment is going to be. Things along tobacco road are very much up in the air as of print time. A tough but momentum building first game against LSU could or could not have done wonders, depending on who plays, for this team. Red-shirt freshmen QB, Ryan Renner should take the reins either from day one or at some point early in the year and could provide that spark to get over the hump. The defense is stout, but depending on what the NCAA has to say, this unit could be decimated for some huge games (LSU, Georgia Tech and Rutgers). All things being the same the Tar Heels are a top 20 team, so that’s were they will stay.

# 16 – Pittsburgh - They have seen the promise land, just haven’t been able to physically get there. The Panthers had the Big East title in their paws the past few years late into the season only to have it ripped away from lesser, on paper, opponents. Can Wannstedt get this fixed? They have recruited well and field an experienced group starting with record book re-writing RB Dion Lewis, he had close to 1,800 yards last season. Expect Big East foes to pay a bit more attention to him this year. If other teams do in fact commit too much to stop the run, the Panthers can make them pay with their deep and talented WR’s. Starting with All-Conference wide-out Jonathan Baldwin, he along with a fellow 6’5” wide receiver Mike Shanahan should be a formidable duo. The defense should not miss a step even with the departure of both DE’s. The unit led the nation in sacks last year and looks to build on experience.

# 15 – Arkansas – It has been a long time since the Hogs have entered a fall sport season with so much hype, hope and wooo piiiiigg soooiiiee hysteria. It could all be for good reason or it could all be for not. A lot of this lies squarely on the cannon that sits in place of a right arm on QB Ryan Mallett. The super sized signal caller can and will whip the ball all over the field and the scary thing for opponents is that his WR’s are the best they’ve been in his tenure. Couple this with Bobby “packed and out of town” Petrino’s offensive wizardry and even Arky fans can do this math. Pig fans and players will know soon enough with early season conference tests against Georgia and Alabama, followed up with an old Southwest Conference showdown against Texas A&M at Jerry’s little do-hicky over in Arlington whether the hype and hysteria was worth crawling out of the trailer for. All the offense in the world though can’t win them all in the SEC; the Hogs D will need to step-up and try to pull their weight for the title hoping hogs to have a chance.

# 14 – Miami – The U is working their way towards to the side of the rankings that had become commonplace in South Beach for some time. Miami’s season won’t solely hinge on QB Jacory Harris, but his play will dictate the way of the season more than any other individual player on the team. The junior to be who threw for more than 3,000 yards last year but will need to study his teams uniforms and color combos better this year and draw down from 17 interceptions last year. The RB position is stacked as is to be expected at Miami, however the one time tight end churning out machine that is the U, is in need of an impact TE this season. The Canes D is being built up pretty high but those that have seen them, which will be imperative as they go to Ohio State, to Pittsburgh and to Clemson in their first 4 games. The reigning Big East Co-champs look to continue the climb in the right direction, Randy Shannon surely could use it.

#13 – Oregon – There hasn’t been an opportunity like this for the Ducks in a long time and that is after winning the league last year to then have the NCAA help out a little and take the air out of the USC balloon, thus giving Oregon a chance to put a little bit of a run together here. The offense is loaded with playmakers, only problem is the guy that sparked that offensive engine decided stealing from frat houses and possessing bad things was more important, thus Jeremiah Masoli the key cog in the Oregon O, is in Oxford Mississippi (not playing football FYI). RB LaMichael James is very good, posting over 1,500 yards as a sophomore. Add to that an impressive haul of freshmen to be RB’s including Lache Seastrunk, one of the best Texas high school RB recruits, and the Oregon O should be okay. The Defense will be fast, that coupled with the return of 8 starters should help the Ducks keep their heads above water, while the offense finds a groove. An early road trip to Tennessee looks so good on paper but should turn into a very one sided affair. The trip to USC in October should be good; will the Trojans look to play spoiler or just another stop along the Ducks title trail?

# 12 – Nebraska – Big Red was debatably 1 additional second away from stunning the nation and winning the Big 12 championship last year, but that’s all in past, unless you ask any single Cornhusker on the planet. Regardless, Neb could be good to great and will do everything they can to win the last Big 12 championship they will ever care about. Dr. Tom Osborne gets his wish to move to the Big 10 and the Pelini boys/Nebraska players/Husker-nation get their collective wish to play Texas in Lincoln in October. It’s safe to say that the vaunted Black Shirt defense is alive and well in Lincoln and will be depended on to carry Neb as far as they will go this season. The departure of Ndamukong Suh has opened the door for DT Jared Crick to shine or show that any able bodied person could look good while Suh commanded double and triple teams. The QB position is wide open, last years starter Zac Lee, up and coming Cody Green or redshirt freshman Taylor Martinez all have a shot at the position. The RB spot will be a semi-group effort as well, with two smaller scat back types, Roy Helu and Rex Burkhead getting totes. If Big Red hopes to leave the remaining Big 12 wanting more and head north with the league title, because they will win the North, they will have to rely on a heavy does of Pelini D.

# 11 – Penn State – Funny Joe Pa comment here, after 75 years all the snark has been played and is beyond tired, much like Joe Pa! Bam, snuck one in. QB is up in the air, 3 guys vying for the spot but only one has completed a collegiate pass. Conversely the RB position is the most solid spot on the field, All-American candidate Evan Royster has put together back to back 1,000 yard seasons and could potentially leave State College as the schools all time leading rusher. That is saying a lot. The Defense will have the task of replacing not only the Big 10 Defensive player of the year, but also 5 other vacated positions. The truest test will come and come quick with a trip south to Tuscaloosa to tango with the defending national champions. They might have gotten a recent break with Mark Ingram RB-Alabama, having a knee scoped 13 days prior to this match-up. Then of course the Big 10 usuals, @ Iowa and @ Ohio State. A Big 10 title will take some over achieving, but they don’t have to look further than their own coach for that inspiration.

# 10 – Wisconsin – Carry bowl victory momentum into the next season, that is the hope and need for Badger fans and team alike. A good win over Miami in the Champs Sports Bowl should provide that encouragement and confidence that they will need to challenge for the Big10 title. Knowing that you faced down the speed of The U, surely makes you feel good about the cement shoed Big 10. The offense that led the Big 10 in scoring, rushing and total offense is pretty much still intact and returning. The defense must replace two keystones from a unit that held 10 opponents to under 100 yards rushing last year, but expects J.J. Watt and Louis Nzegwu to solidify the group. The end of October will tell the tale for Whiskey, with Ohio State in Madison followed with a road trip to Iowa City, Iowa, run that little gauntlet and the skies the limit. A split here is a must for any hope of a conference championship.

# 9 – Virginia Tech – This could be a moot point after the first full weekend of football as Va. Tech squares off against Boise State in a match-up of two pre-season top 10 programs creating by far the best game for the opening weekend. As has become the norm Coach Beamer will roll out an explosive offense with elite playmakers at key positions. Tyrod Taylor, QB has been there done that and will only get better with age. The RB duo of Ryan Williams and Darren Evens will ensure a fresh set of legs through the 4th quarter and both could start just about anywhere in the country. The defense is fast, in fact as fast as defensive coordinator Bud Foster can remember, but they are also highly inexperienced, can the speed and athleticism make up for what lacks between the ears? Again they will be tested and a lot more will be known before the 7th day of September. The ACC is tougher, but the Hokies expect to be in the mix until the very end.

# 8 – Texas – Contrary to what many thought would happen when legend Vince Young left and little aw shucks Colt McCoy took over, there was no huge drop off, in fact outside of a MNC many would say they got better as a whole. Well can the Horns get that lucky again? Blue chip QB Garrett Gilbert will take over the reins for Mack Browns offense, shockingly enough; he is not the biggest question mark coming into 2010. The RB situation at Texas has many down right fearful. Whether it was misses on the recruiting trail, which is not a Mack Brown trait, or a lack of development, the Horns are left with a running game by committee. They will compensate for that with a big arm QB and a stable of highly able WR’s. On Defense, coach in purgatory Will Muschamp lost some fire power, but with what has become the norm in Austin will simply plug in another 4-5 star recruit who has patiently been waiting. Sam Acho will be the king pin for the front 7 while the secondary is where Texas can really flex its muscle. The Texas secondary will display 2-3 DB’s that posses NFL type lock down coverage ability, Chykie Brown, Curtis Brown and Aaron Williams. While blue collar/lunch pail work ethic, coach on the field, first to arrive last to leave, son of a coach, gym rat and gutty Blake Gideon will start his 3rd year at FS. All eyes, not just the eyes of Texas, will be on the Cotton Bowl that first week of October, the winner there could very well be playing for the National Championship.

# 7 – Oklahoma – Life is good in Norman, sans the constant tornado threat and bitterly cold winters, the Sooners will once again field a team of the who’s who of college football talent. Imagine having 3 guys drafted in the top 10 of the NFL draft and feeling like you might unleash a better team next year. This is the reality that Bob Stoops has created and gets to enjoy. Landry Jones, QB, who took over after Sam Bradford went down early last year has plenty of game and big game experience and he will be above adequate if not quite good. The supporting cast is what could take OU to the highest level, RB Demarco Murray, who when healthy and motivated can take a game over, will look to solidify his draft status with a huge senior campaign. On the outside Ryan Broyles WR, will hope to build on his single-season reception record of 89 catches and that was with missing two games, he can also beat you in the kicking game. On defense Oklahoma will be imposing as usual, replacing Gerald McCoy should be tough, but Jeremy Beal is up for the task. Linebacker Travis Lewis is the sole returning starter at LB, but is flanked by hard hitting Ronnell Lewis and much hyped Tow Wort. A second week tussle with Florida State will give a good idea as to where this team stands along with that county fair game in Dallas.

# 6 – TCU – This ranking is due more in part to the schedule and the Frogs ability to navigate it with ease versus the dominance of the team and its athletes. Servicable Andy Dalton goes into his senior year with hopes of joing the likes of Sammy Baugh and becoming a legend in Ft. Worth. A return trip to a BCS bowl could do just that, but to make a title run which is in the minds of many TCU fans minds, they will need another perfect season and then a little help. The Frogs will have their toughest test right out of the box, in a “neutral” site home game at Jerry Jones’s Cowboys Stadium against the always willing and able party spoilers Oregon State. After that game it’s pretty smooth sailing until an early November date with Utah, this could determine the Mountain West champion as well as the at large BCS bid. The stats are somewhat skewed based on quality of opponents, but it’s hard to argue with the #1 ranking at defense from last year. Head coach Gary Patterson is truly the mind behind this and looks to have another stout group to shut down MWC foes. Many feel even an undefeated TCU will get jumped by a one loss BCS automatic qualifier team, either way there is one certainty, a 1 loss TCU team won’t even be in the conversation, so that means one thing, don’t lose.

# 5 – Iowa – See Wisconsin and replace with Iowa

# 4 – Boise State – See TCU and replace with Boise State

# 3 – Ohio State – See Iowa/Wisconsin and replace with Ohio State

# 2 – Alabama – Will be real good, but will sit back on their laurels just enough to let Florida sneak past them.

# 1 – Florida – They are just that good and truthfully, Tebow might have actually hurt them at the end last year.

Ole Miss and Jeremiah Masoli denied by the NCAA

2010-08-31T16:06:00.000-05:00

NCAA denies former Oregon QB and presumed current Ole Miss QB Jeremiah Masoli a waver to play immediately for the Rebels. Jeremiah was hoping to not have to sit out due to a semi-loop hole in the NCAA transfer rules. The NCAA will allow a student-athlete who has graduated undergrad to transfer and play immediately at a new school, if the new school offers a post grad degree program that was not offered by the school where the undergrad course work was done. Sense Jeremiah was kicked out of Oregon, he had to find a school that offered such a situation so that he could avoid the mandatory 1 year transfer sit-out rule, which explains how the American Samoan found his way to very land locked Oxford Mississippi. Either way, the NCAA has allegedly denied this waiver and has Nutt and company scrambling, very much like they were hoping to have Masoli do for them this year.

The based off of last year, derived from history, made to sell magazines, PRE-season top 25 list

2010-08-30T16:53:00.007-05:00

As has become custom and surely soon to be emulated the country over, this list will be slowly released 5 -6 teams at a time until the #1 team is revealed. If you don't like any part of it, feel free to use your Google function and read one of the other 1200 top 25 lists out there.

#25 – Auburn – The Tigers are hell bent on reminding the nation that there is football in Alabama not played in Tuscaloosa. With Clemson as the only non-conference game of significance War Eagle will have to run the usual SEC gauntlet but will enjoy a 2 week break before trying to finish what they started last year; that being a beat down of the Crimson Tide. Watch out for Arky State in week one, rumor has it they play a little above their heads opening weekend at large Land Grant D-1 schools.

#24 – Texas A&M – Speaking of Arky State and land grant universities, that all sounds real familiar here. The Aggies should have ended with a better than 6-7 record last year. Loses at Colorado and a gift wrapping to Oklahoma State were inexcusable, but the country a$$ whipping in Manhattan was the peak of the bad. A&M either won handedly or bent over and took it quickly and often. Outside of the Thanksgiving night Jerrod Johnson coming out party, where he was clearly the best QB on the field, Texas A&M was either on the giving side or receiving side of very lopsided affairs. This is good and bad, good because when giving your offense can put up gaudy numbers, bad because when receiving your defense can give up gaudy numbers. Aggie fan knows this well. A switch to the 3-4 defensive scheme hopes to stir the echoes of the great Wrecking Crew Defenses of old. But something tells me John Roper, Aaron Wallace, Quentin Coryatt, Patrick Bates, Sam Adams, Kevin Smith, Aaron Glenn, William Thomas, Marcus Buckley, Keith Mitchell, Brandon Mitchell, Dat Nguyen etc aren’t walking through those doors anytime soon. Christine Michael is one of the best 4 RB’s in the conference, Jeff Fuller is one of the top 5 WR's in the country and will compliment the Aggies deepest and most talented wide receivering corp they've ever had in College Station, scoring wont be an issue, keeping the others from doing so might be.

#23 – West Virginia – Rich Rod who? One can think that Mountaineer fans are okay with losing this loser all the sudden. Although they are still having to deal with some of his past shenanigans, West Virginia will field the most experienced team in the Big East. Notables like speedster Noel Devine and a tough stingy defense that returns 9 starters will help ease the pressure on Sophomore QB Geno Smith. Smith played sparingly last year but missed the spring with a broken foot. Sources say he has the talent, but didn’t we all at one point? A huge late September trip to Baton Rouge could tell us a lot about this team all while providing third class entertainment, swamp trash v. hillbillies. Ultimate question, can they challenge Pitt for Big East supremacy? Don’t overlook back to back games at UConn and two weeks later Cincy at home.

#22 – Utah – The Utes have seemed to surpass their in-state missionary bound brethren to the tune of a PAC-10 invite, only to have BYU responsd by declaring their football independence. Regardless Utah has their eyes focused on the Horned Frogs of TCU and will get a crack at them in Nov. The Utah offense, especially the RB tandem will be leaned on heavily to carry the team due to the need of replenishment on the defense which was picked apart in the last NFL draft. First game against Pitt will tell a lot, but won’t break their season either way. Enjoy the BCS buster title while you got it, because when you start heading west for every game in the PAC-10, the Poinsettia Bowl might become more of a regular reality.

#21 – South Carolina – It’s hard to believe that quarterback guru Steve Spurrier hasn’t had a good one in 5 years at South Carolina. That’s what will need to change for the Gamecocks to rise up and challenge in the SEC East. Stephen Garcia, QB, can look like Ryan Mallet at times and just as quickly turn into Ryan Leaf (NFL Ryan Leaf). Consistency is a must and Spurrier will demand it out of the multi-year starter. An early Labor Day test against Southern Mississippi should be a good litmus test for what Cock fans can expect as they prepare for the rigors of the SEC schedule. The defense should be salty again, even with having to replace NFL bound Eric Norwood and prized recruit Marcus Lattimore should provide a good shot in the arm at the RB position. Here’s hoping they shake up the SEC hierarchy, it’s always fun having a Cock(y) ole ball coach pacing the sidelines. Plus it’s good on the visors to not meet the turf so often.

#20 – Georgia – It’s hard to imagine a guy with a 77% winning percentage over 9 years could be even remotely close to the hot seat. But it’s also hard to think while Mark Richt was accumulating wins his conference foes would have 5 combined BCS National Championships. It is what it is. UGA is replacing the quarterback, but has two quality options, including highly touted incoming freshmen Aaron Murray in the mix. They will also trot out AJ Green, WR, arguably one of the top 5 WR’s in the country, even in the run first minded SEC. One game to keep an eye on is a non-conference trip to Colorado in early October. Georgia is a superior team, but they would be neither the first nor the last team with more talent to go up in the altitude at Boulder and come away with a head scratching loss. Some off the field issues are going to cloud the next few weeks, regardless Coach Richt needs to continue to win and get the best of Florida at that cocktail get together this year. At least the AD at the beginning of the summer took some of the heat off, to the tune that here at the end of the summer he is no longer AD. Cross-hairs back on Richt.

#19 – Georgia Tech – The smarter more urban cousin of the #20 ranked Georgia team lands at the 19 spot. The rambling wreck from Georgia Tech will continue to run the double-slot option and with an experienced and savvy guy like QB Josh Nesbitt at the helm, the immediate future looks bright. The defending ACC champions and BCS Orange bowl runner-ups (nice way of saying loser) will have to find a way to replace RB Jonathan Dwyer who was drafted last year. For the option to work efficiently it is imperative to have no fewer than two threats, Nesbitt has already been proven as one, so finding a second to compliment him is a must. Now the other side of the ball is a toss-up. In is former NFL and most recently UVA head man, Al Groh as the defensive coordinator. Groh will implement the 3-4 defensive scheme and with some crafty work could have the Jackets contending for the ACC and BCS bowl game again this season.

#18 – LSU – The bayou Bengals are a real question mark this year. Yes they have the talent, yes they have the conference, yes they have the out of conference schedule, yes they have the home field advantage, yes they have the tradition, but unfortunately for them yes they still have Les Miles. There might not be a warmer seat in the country than the one that Lil Les finds himself perched on and it’s only getting warmer. The tiger faithful are split, half love him and half hate him. Both for good reason, he did bring home a national championship, don’t mind the constant second guessing; from who’s players they were to a 2 loss team playing for the BCS championship. He also has repeatedly puts his players in bad situations, see Ole Miss last year, and has had some odd if not completely confusing things to say over the past 4-5 years. The play of QB Jordan Jefferson was great at times, but down right Jarrett Lee like at times as well. They will field a very talented group of WR’s and defensive secondary, but is that enough to overcome the dreaded Les-factor? An early season date with North Carolina and then a home affair with West Virginia could give the tigers the confidence they need to face and challenge for the talented SEC West.

#17 – North Carolina – Butch Davis was supposed to turn a basketball crazed school into a semi-interested football school. He was having some success, recruiting well and winning more games, then what seems to be half of the team decided rules didn’t apply to them and we all await word from the NCAA as to what the punishment is going to be. Things along tobacco road are very much up in the air as of print time. A tough but momentum building first game against LSU could or could not have done wonders, depending on who plays, for this team. Red-shirt freshmen QB, Ryan Renner should take the reins either from day one or at some point early in the year and could provide that spark to get over the hump. The defense is stout, but depending on what the NCAA has to say, this unit could be decimated for some huge games (LSU, Georgia Tech and Rutgers). All things being the same the Tar Heels are a top 20 team, so that’s were they will stay.

#16 – Pittsburgh - They have seen the promise land, just haven’t been able to physically get there. The Panthers had the Big East title in their paws the past few years late into the season only to have it ripped away from lesser, on paper, opponents. Can Wannstedt get this fixed? They have recruited well and field an experienced group starting with record book re-writing RB Dion Lewis, he had close to 1,800 yards last season. Expect Big East foes to pay a bit more attention to him this year. If other teams do in fact commit too much to stop the run, the Panthers can make them pay with their deep and talented WR’s. Starting with All-Conference wide-out Jonathan Baldwin, he along with a fellow 6’5” wide receiver Mike Shanahan should be a formidable duo. The defense should not miss a step even with the departure of both DE’s. The unit led the nation in sacks last year and looks to build on experience.

#15 – Arkansas – It has been a long time since the Hogs have entered a fall sport season with so much hype, hope and wooo piiiiigg soooiiiee hysteria. It could all be for good reason or it could all be for not. A lot of this lies squarely on the cannon that sits in place of a right arm on QB Ryan Mallett. The super sized signal caller can and will whip the ball all over the field and the scary thing for opponents is that his WR’s are the best they’ve been in his tenure. Couple this with Bobby “packed and out of town” Petrino’s offensive wizardry and even Arky fans can do this math. Pig fans and players will know soon enough with early season conference tests against Georgia and Alabama, followed up with an old Southwest Conference showdown against Texas A&M at Jerry’s little do-hicky over in Arlington whether the hype and hysteria was worth crawling out of the trailer for. All the offense in the world though can’t win them all in the SEC; the Hogs D will need to step-up and try to pull their weight for the title hoping hogs to have a chance.

The Big 12 South Preview - The last surviving caste system.

2010-08-24T10:41:00.003-05:00

Finally Tommy Tuberville announced that Taylor Potts would be the Red Raiders starting QB, so we can finally release the highly anticipated BIG 12 South Division preview. Seriously, without knowing which Texas Tech QB is going to put up gaudy numbers, get booed by his own fans and never sniff the NFL, how could one expect a “preview” to be even remotely accurate or considered reputable. With all the conference re-alignment talk shelved for the very brief mean-time, the far superior division in the BIG 12 has been creating intrigue with the possibility of surprise teams to the dreaded same old status quo. With the departure of a handful of prominent fixtures to the NFL to the high expectations of young phenoms, the proverbial rubber is just about to meet the road.

The Big 12 South Division – The group that makes the Jackson family look loving.

Oklahoma – The Quick – Sam Bradford gets hurt twice still gets drafted #1 overall, and Landry Jones gets more than adequate work in games, big games at that. He should come in and have no issues at the helm. The Sooners also lost some playmakers on the defensive side, but have studs like Jeremy Beal (DL) and Travis Lewis (LB) to fill the gaps. On offense Ryan Broyles and Demarco Murray will be expected to do the glory work for OU, Demarco in his 8th year will hopefully finally live up to the billing. Broyles will beat teams as a WR and as a kick return extraordinaire. The Skinny – Can Big Game Bob Stoops start winning big games? Early non-conference tests against Florida State and Cincinnati will be very telling. And as long as the NCAA keeps turning the blind eye and issuing brutal wrist slaps, the Sooners will contend for a long time.

Texas – The Quick – “if only Colt hadn’t…..” Not yet Longhorn fans, not yet. As has become the norm in Austin, the Horns are as stacked across the board as any coach/fan/media outlet (ESPN/ABC) could possibly hope for. Two biggest questions, replacing the games winning and whiniest QB and establishing even a semblance of a running game. Garret Gilbert (QB) was forced into action during the biggest game of the year, the BCS National Championship, after Colt McCoy sat on his throwing hand too long in pre-game looking for one last casual encounter with “the stranger” prior to his last college football game. And Gilbert looked much better than expected, sans the 18 interceptions; he actually had the Longhorns in a position to win. The Defense will do more reloading and to the hopeful delight of their fans finally shake the “soft” title, with coach-in-waiting Will Muschamp pacing the sidelines; it’s shocking that they haven’t lost this moniker yet. Maybe when he’s head coach? Too bad that will be at LSU and soon, but we digress. The Skinny – A running game is a most; Mack Brown could talk the Pope into Judaism, but hasn’t been able to recruit a game changing RB in a few too many years. It will most likely be running back by committee again this year, with Fozy Whitaker and Tre Newton doing the bulk of the work.

Texas A&M – The Quick – Any defense will be an improvement and a first in years. The Aggie offense can score and did a lot, finishing the year 5th in the country in total offense. Signal caller Jerrod Johnson is surrounded by top flight playmakers; unfortunately he has to rely on a spotty offensive line for time and protection. Look for the O-line to be improved with some stud freshmen that will be expected to play and to impact. Jeff Fuller (WR) is one of the top 5 in the country, a full season will prove this to all. Christine Michael (RB) is on another level and the list goes on. The Defense should be vastly improved with a new 3-4 scheme, hoping to harness some of the old Wrecking Crew glory days. New D-coordinator Tim DeRuyter has come in with a new plan and with an emphasis on speed, confusion and take-aways. The Skinny – All the above my happen, but if the special teams, which has been abysmal since Clinton’s second term doesn’t vastly improve, the Aggies can expect to be on the wrong end of more games this year.

Texas Tech – The Quick – Leach out Tubbs in. This is like taking a job transfer from Nome to Nassau. Or more realistically like transitioning from an offensive and intellectual genius, to a defensive minded back porch rocking, straw chewing, fiddle picking share cropper type. It could go either way, the new coach rut is to be expected but Tubbs ain’t no spring chicken, he made a career out of whipping Alabama and has some tools to work with in Lubbock. Expect the offense to be more balanced with a running game for purpose and strategy versus for cross your fingers and try to catch them off-guard. Where Tommy will have the most impact is on the defensive side of the ball. You know, that bastard-child half of the team that Leach never acknowledged. As mentioned above, Taylor Potts will get the nod over Steven “Sticks” Sheffield at QB, but if any of Leach’s existence remains, outside of multiple unpaid bar tabs in Lubbock, the leash will be short with two proven quarterbacks ready and able. The Skinny – besides the back-up quarterback. If the offense can keep the new coach regression to a minimum and Tuberville is able to do what he does best and build a respectable defense; the high plains of Texas might forget about the Pirate sooner rather than later. Until he comes back and beats them down in civil court and rightfully claims his booty.

Oklahoma State – The Quick – Only 8 meaningful returning starters on both sides of the ball combined, kickers and punters aren’t meaningful. With huge losses like Dez Bryant, although he didn’t exactly pull his weight last year, in fact he probably left Stillwater in Oct. of ’09 and hasn’t been back since. And Zak Robinson (QB) along with 4 offensive linemen, Coach Gundy has his work cut out. Luckily talented RB Kendall Hunter returns and hopes to put last years injury shortened season behind him as 26 year old Brandon Weeden (QB) will try and make the transition from minor league baseball player to old and creepy looking college quarterback. A tough non-conference schedule dueling with the likes of Tulsa, Troy, Washington State and Louisiana Lafayette should have the cowboys finely tuned for the Big 12 gauntlet. The Skinny – T Boone Pickens is running out of time, he hasn’t seen very good returns on his investments of late, see non-existent wind farm in Pampa TX, so a good team in his mini-jewel of a stadium would really do wonders for the would be wind wrangler.

Baylor – The Quick – Outside of Robert Griffin III, they aren’t. Baylor is just thankful the Big 12 still exists and that they didn’t have to exhume Ann Richards body and do some serious Weekend at Bernie’s to get to stay with the big boys. The Bears will put the weight of their Baptist congregation on the shoulders of highly talented QB Robert Griffin III, someone might need to send some weight watchers to Waco because last year his ACL couldn’t support such weight. RG III is that good; where he can win games on his own, but some big loses on defense (Baylor standards here) might be more than the cubbies can bear. ßSee what we did there! The Skinny – not the Baylor Line. Art Briles is a good coach, who is probably looking at the University of Houston and wondering “what was I thinking?” for leaving there to come to Baylor. Oh well the Big 12 will implode soon enough and Bear fans can get excited about renewing their old SWC rivalry with Rice and creating fun new rivalries with UTEP and UTSA and UTA.

BIG 12 Preview – The North, quit laughing!

2010-08-09T15:05:00.004-05:00

Can you feel that? That blast of cell mutating heat that envelops your whole being the second you emerge from your conditioned space to meet that ravenous wench Mother Nature every day. Well that can only mean one thing, time to get 105 over-sized 18-22 year olds suited up in 20 extra pounds of heat inducing, non-breathing, plastic suits of armor and run ‘em until they puke. Yep it’s two-a-days time; a right of passage for many, a ride to the hospital for some and the end of the line for an unfortunate few. While the air conditioners suckle from the electric grid teat for just enough juice to keep the temp from only raising 2 degrees an hour, the unhealthiest demographic in America (college aged students) will be gathering, running, jumping, tackling and hallucinating on broiler-esque turf radiators the country over. All for our pleasure! And since everyone’s alma mater is undefeated right now, soak it up, enjoy this moment for soon enough the Buffalos, Cyclones, Bears and Red Raiders of the world will be called to task for that chalice of delusion they have been sipping on and the contenders will separate themselves from the pretenders. It was with much hope and excitement that this was going to be the first of many SEC themed installments, however 12 out of touch self serving ambASSadors derailed that plan, so here in all it’s cowardice is your 2010 Big “unhappy, unequal, untrusting and hopefully unlasting” 12 football preview.

Let us go the way of the Carpetbagger and start in the North for now only to end up in the fertile South another day. Today we give you the Corn Belt division of the Big 12 conference.

The North Division, otherwise none as the bow of the Titanic, the first to succumb.

Nebraska – The Quick – Neb finally is getting what Dr. Tom Osborne has wanted since 1996, the hell away from Texas. The Huskers are Big 10 bound soon enough, but will compete for the conference championship in the mean time. A controversial 1 second away from dehorning Texas last year in a game where any offense at all from Big Red would have complimented a true Bo Pelini type of defensive street brawl. The Skinny – The conference championship game was followed by on offensive explosion (Nebraska standards here) of 33 unanswered points in a bowl shut-out of Arizona. A consistent O with a Pelini lead D and the children of the corn are in Jerry World for a shot at the “don’t let the door hit your over-all covered tractor cushion on the way out” Big 12 Championship.

Missouri – The Quick – Oh how Mizzou wanted to be with Nebraska heading to the Big 10, they even said as much only to be reminded that, well they are still just Mizzou. Missouri will want to show any potential suitors from other conferences that they are much more than a Journalism school when this dilapidated conference does implode. The Skinny – Blaine Gabbert is one of the best QB’s in the conference, but will have to establish some go-to WR’s for the first time in his career. Defense has some big holes to fill but does boast one of the nations best pass rushers in DE Aldon Smith, but can he do it alone? Gary Pinkel is starting year 10 after 9 painfully benign years in Columbia, go crazy on a reporter or something Gary to remind the nation that you exist.

Kansas State – The Quick – Go from the college football abyss to the college football zenith with a hand picked bunch of Rhodes Scholars, Mike Bishop and fellow JUCO Einsteins, try to go straight and build a team instead of piece milling one with drifters, name the stadium after the neighborly looking grandpa responsible for all of this, bring in an ethnically pleasing coach to appeal to the “good athletes” and look like the golden child to the NCAA and the NAACP and quickly submarine right back to the college football abyss. The Skinny – Go re-hire the aforementioned neighborly grandpa and start over. Will history repeat itself?

Colorado – The Quick – If CU had any money, pride or overall interest in football Coach Dan Hawkins would have been canned before boarding the plane leaving Toledo last year after getting spanked 54-38. Or perhaps after losing to lowly Iowa State or even better after going 0 for their last 3 and finishing 3-9. Boulder is in the mountains but unlike at Boise, a tougher conference awaits every Saturday. The Skinny – Quit starting your son at QB, this ain’t intramurals remember! Your wife will love you if you act like a coach and play the best player but might not if you are unemployed, can you see where we are going with this?

Kansas – The Quick – Coach Mangino is gone and shockingly not due to how many assumed he would be leaving the program. The guy that made Jayhawk football respectable and wearing blue and red crushed velvet table cloths fashionable was apparently also very guilty of being a grade A jerk. Who would have ever thought that this meteor of a man would have the ability and audacity to publically humiliate others for their short comings? You talk about a classic example of “if I can just make others feel bad about them selves, I won’t have to think about how miserable I am.” If what he said to players is true, he deserves the shortness of breath he will no doubt suffer the rest of his numbered days. The Skinny – Turner Gill was arguably one of the best hires in the country this off-season and he will get KU playing good football again, unfortunately it might be in the Mountain West when they make the turn, but it will happen.

Iowa State – The Quick – Should have never been in the Big 12 to begin with, the end is near. If they take the “Iowa State” of off the front of their jersey’s people might watch for 30 more seconds thinking they are watching USC, wait you won’t ever be on TV, never mind. The Skinny- Skinny and Iowa State is an oxymoron. Oh and if you can hold off for two years to win the conference championship it will be an even 100 years since your last conference championship, and even that was a co-championship, we know it will be tough but good luck!

Can BP plug Les's mouth? Tony Danza peeved and South Beach at the center of the College Football universe.

2010-07-23T13:27:00.004-05:00

Since August is just over a week away and it is well known that August signifies the beginning of the college football season, we feel it appropriate to offer up some tidbits and stories of interest that in some form or fashion have a direct link to college football. As expected a full pre-season synopsis will be forthcoming, but in the meantime it is with much hope that these little nuggets will keep the palate wetted and the mind entertained.

As we all still wait for the Les Miles decoder ring to come out, we hope you are able to take some reassurance from this interview that worth-Les is.......... well still just that.
*Edit [16:04 cst] - It appears that Miss Teen South Carolina and Boobie Miles have collaborated on what will certainly sway many opinions concerning the genius that is the South East United States. Audio can be found under the confused man in the headset.

Rumor out of Tuscaloosa is that there have been 3 different bronze renditions of Nick Saban (to place along the other National Championship winning coaches at Alabama) commissioned and shown to Saban and crew for approval and that all three have been rejected. That leaves only one obvious question, how long can they expect Tony Danza to sit and pose for this project?

Memo to all college football players with eligibility remaining – If an agent, a street agent, an agents friend, one of your homeboys, your Dad that you just met or any grown man in a white linen suit invites you to a party in South Beach……don’t go. The fall out from this should be interesting. Oh and when the NCAA invites you up to their nice offices as they will no doubt be doing, don't lie to the NCAA, ask Dez Bryant how that works out.

Capitalism gone wrong

2010-07-21T09:04:00.002-05:00

In theory and with good practice capitalism is a wonderful thing, but when free markets are at the disposal of the ill informed it can turn into a cruel yet somehow semi-entertaining spectacle.

http://www.foxnews.com/world/2010/07/20/pin-sail-donkey-russian-prosecutors-investigate-cruel-parasailing-donkey-stunt/?test=latestnews

BREAKING NEWS

2010-07-09T17:09:00.003-05:00

** Tar balls found on Galveston Beach **

In other news:

- Yanks put man on the moon
- Water is wet
- Japs bomb Pearl Harbor
- Titanic sinks on maiden voyage
- Steroids rampant in Major League Baseball

FIFA 2010 World Flop

2010-07-02T12:30:00.002-05:00

Some say love is the universal language, however most would agree that English is the universal voice, commonly used at international events the world over. But let us offer up another international commonality that is presently being displayed by at least 32 countries, all of which are gathered in South Africa at the moment, that is the language of art and theatrics, and not in a Michelangelo way more the flop and writhe in bogus pain kind of way. FIFA and its metro-sexual band of faux hawk sporting, Armani suit wearing, solo name totting thespians have converged at the southern tip of the African continent for their once every 4 years expo to exchange the latest diving techniques, to show how to best appear to have broken an ankle only to be up sprinting 15 seconds later and most importantly to remind many Americans why futbol will never be football. Certainly the pageantry, with the help of ESPN/ABC, and the build up is hard to ignore deny or avoid if one so chooses. American soccer fans cautiously come out of their suburban homes and head into town to mix it up at the local pubs with the regulars who will never root for anyone or anything named Kaka. Others will throw on the club team jersey they bought while backpacking through Europe after college and do some Googleing to look like the resident expert on why the Dutch might be underrated and why France is a ticking time bomb. Then there are those that just like sport and will take it in any variety. Regardless of how they get there, they are all there shoulder to shoulder throwing back pre-noon brews waiting on the spectacle. And no matter what his or hers self proclaimed level of expertise is on the game, all will witness the folly that is the dive, the fake ankle sprain and the child like antics of grown men throwing hissy fits for all the world to see, except maybe North Korea. Which actually might not be a bad place to go come World Cup 2014 time, apparently when things aren’t going the way of the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea, the feed mysteriously gets cut, and goalies disappear, but we digress.

Because the internet is global, thank you Al Gore, and anything posted on the World Wide Web can be viewed and accessed from anywhere, things must be put into context. This is aimed at those that grew up with a large amount of sporting options to participate in and a surplus of teams in a variety of sports to follow and support. It is one thing to understand the strategy of a game and appreciate the skill level of those that do it better than 98% of the rest, and for that soccer will retain and acquire new fans every four years. But in a society that is force fed football for at least 8 months out of the year, watching pretty boys dive and writhe is forever going to be a hard sell. We like our heroes tough. Hell Nancy Kerrigan took a worse beating than anyone on the defending champion Italian team and she still won silver, Italy didn’t make it out of the first round. When our pros walk-out or strike, NFL circa 1987, everyday Joes put down their pipe wrenches to take a shot at their dreams. The French futbol team walked out of practice and sat on the bus in protest of a teammate being sent home. When our guys go down and stay down, they sure better be dragging an arm or a leg off the field with them a la Joe Theisman or they will forever be labeled soft, see Colt McCoy. When a referee blows a call, the first thought shouldn’t be about geo-politics or spheres of influence, but inevitably when a ref does blow 1 or 8, why shouldn’t they have to answer for it? Ask MLB umpire Jim Joyce about that, no doubt he would have preferred to be protected to the extremes that FIFA does for its prancing card issuing “officials”. When soccer goes right, like 3 Brazilians weaving in and out passing the ball effortlessly between themselves and sashaying about their opponents who all appear to be stuck in mud, it is a beautiful thing, but there is nothing beautiful about a 0-0 final. Games and contests were played to be won and lost, ask the Gladiators.

Every so often something great comes out of soccer, like Posh Spice, vuvuzelas, South American female footie fans and new sideline fashion, but as far as we are concerned every 4 years is plenty, because we still have the MLS, or do we?

Conference re-alignment - expansion, contraction or deception?

2010-06-14T11:10:00.002-05:00

It is becoming apparent that Texas wants their cake and wants a network to air them shopping for the ingredients, cooking and ultimately eating it as well. The much talked about move of 5 Big 12 South teams (Texas, Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Oklahoma and Oklahoma St.) to the PAC 10 has been public knowledge for some time now. As this would insure certainly double the TV revenue for each institution as well as a spot in a BCS automatic qualifier conference. But more so this would give Texas the status as match-maker and savior from the perspective of the PAC 10 and the remora-esque mid-tier Big 12 teams (Texas Tech and Oklahoma State). These teams have to be at the hip/beckon call of a Texas type to even be on the radar of a perceived super conference. But that leaves A&M and OU, two teams that when looking at all of their assets, across the board, can really stand on their own two feet. What one brings in gridiron prowess (OU) the other brings in Former Student base (A&M) and ultimately TV sets tuned in every Saturday. Enough can’t be said about the tactics implored by the A&M brass at the moment, if and a big if, all the media leaks and internet speculation is true, it appears that the Aggie big cigars are eyeing a possible invite to join the countries primer football/athletic conference, the SEC. This idea creates a cascade of scenarios. First it would break up 100+ years of Aggie/Longhorn conference affiliation. Texas has always looked down on Aggie and Aggie has always scoffed at soft Longhorn. It would also bring the SEC into the state of Texas; this could have huge recruiting implications, giving the likes of Nick Saban, Urban Meyer and Mark Richt inroads to a high school football breeding ground. Texas no likey this one bit. It could also help A&M’s recruiting, no offence to anyone but playing Tennessee, Alabama, LSU, Georgia, Florida, Auburn etc. is much more attractive than Baylor, Iowa State and the Kansas’s. All of the SEC talk has suddenly got the Longhorns doing the Texas two-step, backwards. And for this the A&M decision makers have done half their job. As quickly as Texas was ready to abandon the sinking Big 12, it has been “leaked” now that Texas will do whatever is necessary to keep the Big 12 sans 2 intact. This would do a lot of things. First, if A&M were to depart, it would make A&M look the villain for bolting and deliver the proverbial knock out blow to the Big 12. Second, if A&M were to stay, it would pave the way for Texas to once again get unequal TV revenue rights and the potential creation of that shopping/cooking/cake eating channel that was referenced above. The Texas Longhorn Network, which would be great for the Texas Longhorns and that’s it. This network is/was not an option in the expanded PAC 10. On a side note, the concessions that were made to Texas during the forming of the Big 12 back in the mid-90’s was a major player in Nebraska bailing out at the first opportunity. And finally if A&M decides to stand ground and stay in the Big 12 sans 2, this would keep most of the SEC at bay from Texas’s recruiting bed, sure there would be some snipping but nothing near the level if an in-state team were a member of the conference. It must also be mentioned that Texas to the SEC was never an option, the Longhorns site cultural and academic disparity as their rationale. No doubt they are a better fit with the green liberal intellects of the West Coast, however many believe having to stare down the likes of Bama, LSU, Auburn, Tenn, Florida every year versus Baylor, Texas Tech, Arizona, ASU plays a large part in this. Seriously though not many people look down on Vandy grads just because of the company they keep. Now as for the SEC and their need/desire to expand; first off they don’t need to unless it is apparent that this shift toward 4-5 super conferences is inevitable. They seem to have the football national championship thing figured out. However, they know that they have a great TV deal, but adding some top flight, large and attractive institutions would do nothing but sweeten their bargaining power at the negotiating table. And what better market than the Texas market? The SEC has never been caught watching the paint dry under the guidance of Commissioner Slive, the SEC has always been prepared to attack and counter attack as necessary. Slive was in College Station this weekend, whether an invitation was extended is not officially known, but based on the assumption of Texas and the Pac 10+, it is assumed that the SEC would invite the Aggies and even possibly the Sooners. Now with Texas backtracking and rediscovering their love for Baylor, Iowa State and the Kansas’s, the SEC offer might not be on the table for A&M, due to the simple lack of need for expansion from the SEC. There were reports that Texas threatened A&M to never play them again in any sport if they didn’t hitch on to the Texas train and blindly follow (a la Texas Tech and Oklahoma State) to the Pac 10+. This is analogous to the youngster taking his ball and leaving. Come on, You’re Texas remember, must you be so benign? As it stands at the moment, you have the Big 10 with 12 members, the Pac 10 with 12 members and the Big 12 with 10 members, sounds like the Government is running this, but we digress. If the Big 12 sans 2 can hold on to its BCS automatic qualifier status, Texas should want everything to stand pat, all they would have to do is beat OU and manage the rest of their schedule and they would be BCS bowling annually. But they need A&M to agree to stay as mentioned, it would just be hard to think that the given the chance the Aggies wouldn’t join the SEC, enhance their spotlight (or create their spotlight) all the while leaving the Horn brass fuming. A&M should accept the invite and deal with any fall out that might accompany it from Texas, or whomever. This is an opportunity that will pay in cash form from the get go and in the long term on all fields of play. In the short term, some beat downs should be expected, but hey you still get the Mississippi schools annually and Kentucky, South Carolina and Vanderbilt occasionally.

Is this worthy of a BP claim? It had to be cuased by oil stress syndrome.

2010-06-10T13:26:00.001-05:00

To the SOB or DOB or collective group of either that broke into the vehicle of some cash paying tourists to your economic collapsing gulf coast this past week, here are some hopes for you.

May you go blind so that the two pair of sunglasses you stole will never be needed.

May you go blind and deaf so the Magellan GPS you stole will be of no use regardless of audio instructions being enabled.

My you go blind, deaf and then have a terrible allergic reaction to the prescription pills you stole. One so bad that death would be a welcomed relief.

If you are in any way associated with a legitimate line of work that is being or will be affected by the oil spill, may you drown in that oil. Not the rest of your community, just you, you lowest form of scum. You make a tar ball turn in shame.

On the other hand boy genius, it is appreciated that while you were snatching sunglasses and GPS devices, that you refrained from lifting the laptop computer, digital camera, multiple fishing rods and equipment and the full set of golf clubs and shoes that were in the same vehicle, or the cooler and numerous other things of pawn shop value that you had to step over to get to the car. That is all, carry on with that miserable thing you call your life.

Considering the economic death that is occurring because of the BP oil disaster, one would think that the good folks of Gulf Shores/Ft. Morgan Alabama, or anyone relying on tourist dollars along the Gulf Coast, might not spend their evenings looking for cars that are parked at rental beach houses to break into. Or maybe that’s why these people will never make it out of LA.

....and now for some random musings, as promised above.

2010-05-19T15:08:00.002-05:00

- A person should not have to offer up and make a cup of coffee as a bribe for the maid, in hopes of having their office cleaned. It’s part of the house! The same house you are getting paid to clean!

- Did Comcast Cable Co. think that their customers wanted Spanish being the default language on the HD channels?

- Why do women feel it necessary to hide the spare toilet paper rolls when company is coming over? Do they not think that the guests appreciate the wonders of toilet paper and that possibly they implement it in their daily lives as well? And thus think it’s tacky to keep an abundance of the hygiene enhancing product readily available?

- What is so hard about turning of the Cable box and the TV?

- Deli turkey cold cuts always have an odor when you put your nose into the bag. So how are you to know when it has gone bad, the opaque gelatin that forms or the presence of a pinkish hue?

- Who would have thought that bottling and selling drinking water would become an enormously lucrative business? Clearly not Halsey-Taylor.

- Under absolutely no circumstances is parking in the front yard okay.

- If humans can allegedly over sleep and remain perpetually tired, why can’t dogs? Or do they and that in turn creates a viscous yet awesomely envious cycle.

- Why do most radio stations only gab during the morning commute? Wouldn’t carpooling have caught on a little better if people just wanted talk on their way to work?

- If towels in the guest bathroom are not to be used, don’t put them there.

- Has an airline flight ever been on time? Sure there have been plenty that have arrived early, but actually one that has arrived at the exact time that it claimed?

- Police officers should not be allowed to call and solicit donations over the phone; it is not easy telling a K-9 cop that you are not interested in supporting the police stations kennel renovations.

- The Chrysler 300 does not look like a Bentley. For a while there it might have gotten a second mistaken look, but no longer.

- Chrome doesn’t always dress something up. Like say the gas tank cover.

- Is leaving spoiled left-over’s in the refrigerator to “teach” the maid a lesson cruel or constructive?

- As a man, it is not okay to buy a jersey with another man’s name on it. Buy the team shirt.

- Just because you speak a different language than someone, doesn’t mean that increasing the decibels will make the translation any easier.

- Not every meal has to be super-sized.

- Why would anyone intentionally lower a car/truck? Because those speed bumps, road humps, ramps, driveway curbs, etc. are so enjoyable at factory height?

- If recycling were lucrative or even a break even enterprise, those that do it constantly would be off of their bikes by now.

- The T.S.A has greatly marginalized the “Men in uniform” premise.

BP = Beyond Phrustrating or Bad Pipe or Better Pumpers or Bad Pluggers….

2010-05-11T16:55:00.005-05:00

First and foremost, to the 11 that accepted the challenge to tackle a mighty task on the Earth’s true final frontier and paid with the ultimate price, The Levee offers both the utmost gratitude for your works along with the sincerest condolences to your family, friends and loved ones. Your sacrifice, while unnecessary and unthinkable, exudes pride and selflessness. The words below are solely directed towards those that appear to be very detached from the platforms you called your office.

So let us make sure we are all on the same page here. 52 miles out in the Gulf of Mexico, 1 mile down to the ocean floor and rig head, potentially an additional 30,000 ft into the Earth’s core, an estimated daily operating cost of one million dollars/per day (daily contract(~$490,000) + variable operating costs), 126 on site full time workers, a sophisticated anchorless floating Wal Mart that was able to remain within 2 ft. of its desired location via GPS and automated thrusters in the roughest of seas, still reading….and the best these trillionaires can come up with to stop the leak is by overwhelming and plugging the holes with golf balls, shredded tires and mud?!?!?!?!?!? This is more mind boggling than zip lock thinking one seal was enough when two is clearly better, think breasts, two is always better. Can’t you just see Titleist, Bridgestone, Srixon, Pinnacle and Top Flite clamoring to be the ball that saved Louisiana’s Wetlands? Certainly sales would go up a mighty 1/2% in that golf crazy part of the world. The Levee is casting a vote for Pinnacle to be the ball of hope and savior; those seem to be naturally drawn to the water, but we digress. Back to the unbelievable reality, they are trying to tell us that with all the top shelf engineers, geologists and drilling experts at their disposal, this is the best BP can concoct? Staring down unfathomable depths and overcoming unimaginable natural hurdles, you have the technology to siphon fossil fuels out of Mother Nature’s spleen at will, but to plug some leaks in a riser pipe your best idea is some Pro V 1’s and Grandma’s Goodyear white walls? What were Cuba Gooding Jr. and Bob De Niro not available? If it weren’t for the tragic loose of life, the thousands whose lively hoods are being halted and possibly derailed long term, and selfishly speaking, the toll this is going to have at the pumps this summer, this is almost laughable from a WTF perspective. Seriously, there is a catfish skinning contest this weekend in Etoile, TX, hang around long enough and you will get a bucket full of ideas far better than anything that these titans of industry have rolled out, PUN intended.

Unfortunately in today’s political/economical climate disasters of any kind are quickly transitioned into an opportunity for any number of agenda pushers. It’s a chance to move the personal meter while blatantly putting the truth and warranted compassion on the back burner. Here is an article from the supposed eye of the storm, notice how the agenda drivers literally end up victimizing the victims while feeding the miss-informed and in turn actually fashion a second catastrophe on their own. Are there going to be serious economical, environmental, political, social, emotional and mental repercussions from this? Sure, but let us not be so brazen as to think that we are that important and furthermore, that supreme. If lucky we will get 85 years to enjoy and/or pillage this planet, conversely this ocean, its inhabitants, the coast lines, beaches and marshes have been around since perhaps a big boom, Devine Creation or whatever Tom Cruise now claims. It will survive, heal and thrive again. Homo sapiens are the only collective group dense enough to see trouble and not alter their course; do you think a school of yellow fin tuna are going to errantly swim into a geyser of crude? Or a 1,200lb Marlin is going to mistake a tar ball for a bait ball? (* Note - For the sake of this piece, ignore the fact that they will inhale a plastic bullet head trailing two hooks hidden by a hot pink and neon green skirt 30 feet behind two roaring diesel engines. That doesn’t mean they are stupid, it only means they are lonely at that moment.) These species approach each day knowing they have to be smarter, faster and stronger than everything else in their world or they die. These things are perfect machines that just happen to taste damn good and far less than often do they actually get had by a lucky one of us. Perhaps some turtles might not be so fortunate, but one can only imagine in the reptilian world going down as a black gold martyr must be held in much higher regard than ending up on some goat ropers boots, or even worse perishing anonymously in Bubba’s TED-less shrimp nets. Here’s an idea BP, pull your collective heads out of your backsides and go stick them in the holes!

* If Mobile Bay and/or the Florida panhandle are in any way adversely affected by this during the first week in June, The Levee requests the address to BP’s law suit submittal office.

Master of deceit vs. Honoring a Master

2010-04-07T21:38:00.001-05:00

The tale of two parallel super-stars, both have mastered the same unforgiving sport, the world of advertising, endorsements, printing money, the art of charity and locking down some pretty envious eye candy. However these two titans have detoured from parallel to blaze paths in clearly opposite directions. One was willing to risk it all and be lured by the carnal thoughts of his subconscious while the other was tested like few can relate. Re-hashing Tiger’s catastrophic and sophomoric plight is beyond redundant at this point. Although more has recently surfaced, to act surprised would be foolish, but to be appalled is totally natural. The latest in an ever growing list of strippers, pancake waitresses, party hosts, D list actresses and struggling (as if there is another kind) porn stars; Tiger now has a neighbors daughter clamoring to be another name on his dubious list. In recent days Raychel Coudriet, the daughter of one of Tiger’s neighbors is claiming to have had relations with Tiger in an office within eye shot of Elin Nordegren’s home. To what extent this has legs is neither here nor there at this point, but the level to which this man felt and acted as if morals, ethics and values did not apply to him has surpassed astonishing. Now to the other super-star and the personal and painful journey he has been enduring over the past 1.5 years. Phil Mickelson was blindsided with the same force he uses to mash his Calloway golf balls 300+ yards down the fairway, when it was revealed that not only his wife but also his mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer. Hearing catastrophic news at this level would surely bring most to their knees, and truth be told Phil did take an extended leave from golf to handle these affairs. But what makes this so ironic is that one of these men was revered as much amongst his peers and press as he was on the links amongst his fans. While the other has often been called stand offish, unapproachable and even arrogant. While Tiger was living a double life that even Hollywood screenwriters couldn’t create, he was still the people’s champ. He was giving Payton Manning a run on commercial appearances, was sculpting a physique that every man would kill for and was stockpiling money and tournament trophies like a stray dog collects fleas. And then there was Phil battling a very public family crisis. Still wearing shirts that might be considered to tight, speaking with a frankness that could be and was misconstrued as entitled and still getting slammed by the masses. This is where the two paths actually cross, taking on vastly different trajectories than before, ultimately shedding a truer light on the mindset of two golf phenoms. Tiger went into deny, cover-up and ultimately hide mode while Phil stood strong to answer questions asked by strangers on behalf of strangers that were tougher and more personal than any one person should be required to endure. As the Masters Golf Tournament revs up, all eyes will be focused on Tiger and how he will respond to competitive golf, after failing as a father, husband and icon. But Phil’s turmoil is still very real and as it is well known that cancer doesn’t discriminate, all the money, fame and accolades can’t buy one a free pass. The Phil haters will still be around, hopefully with a sense of compassion and the Tiger fans will hope and pray for a memorable Masters from their flawed leader. As far as memorable goes, take a look at this story the next time you wish ill will on Lefty, and remind yourself of it the next time you decide to chastise him for whichever imperfection you find deplorable.

Putting so much stock in another mortal, will most times more often than not, leave one feeling empty and betrayed.

What's in a day or what should be?

2010-04-01T12:00:00.003-05:00

To properly give credence to this day that has given ulcers to parents, shock to employees and fear to un-wed high school boyfriends for years, The Levee has put together some real life situations that would have undoubtedly been better explained as Fools Day shenanigans, but as you will see this tomfoolery was not intended to fool anyone.

* Rep. Hank Johnson D-GA – Exerting the fear of island tipping. (Give Rep Johnson his due respect and please watch this in its entirety, 1:20 mark begins the greatness)

* After lying to the NCAA about meetings with Deion Sanders and being suspended for the rest of the season, one would think that Dez Bryant might take his self-thrown Pro Day as serious as anyone would take what is essentially a job interview. Well Dez did show up, but he forgot his cleats. That might not sound all that bone headed, but considering he is a Wide Receiver and football hinges on ones ability to out run or catch up to another man, this is the equivalent of a stripper reporting to work without her G (at a classy joint that is).

* More from the Politico front. Harry Reid D-NV, the worst thing to come out of Nevada since the Superbowl 43 point spread, shows his inability to take a task head on and proceeds to show his uncanny ability to speak out of both sides of his lying mouth.

The following will be offered without comment:

Ryan Leaf
Healthcare reform (Obamacare)
The Segway
Balloon boy incident
Tiger claiming that none of his confidants knew anything
Saved By the Bell, The College Years
Ricky Martin denying… …well never mind

All the humiliation, deceit and pain could have been avoided with one simple phrase… April Fools Day M-fer!!

It’s not the Census, but this quick questionnaire will speak volumes

2010-03-25T00:01:00.003-05:00

As we often ask the citizens of Iraq to dip a finger into the purple dye to show that they have proudly and bravely cast votes in their national elections, knowing full and well that their lives are at sake for showing such brevity, we at The Levee think it is only fair for Americans to show their same pride and loyalty. So as you read the list below, please stick a finger in the dye for each and every bullet point below that you are either on board with, agree with or swear by. Your unfortunate score can be found at the bottom.

- The President is more black than white.
- Bill and Hillary Clinton are as much in love today as the day they wed
- John Kerry was ever in danger during Vietnam
- John Edwards doesn’t suffer from dry eyes
- John Edwards is not that child’s father
- 911 is a personal complaint line
- Emergency rooms are for common colds and simple ailments
- Sean Penn is a good actor
- An open handicap spot, it just that, an open parking spot
- 15 items or less really means 22 items
- Paying taxes is an option not a duty
- The citizens of the 9th ward were prepared
- Gtimo is inhumane
- The Government has successfully managed Social Security
- The Government has successfully managed Medicare
- Mortgage payments are optional

* Bonus question - Government has proven that the should handle Health Care

If you honestly participated in the exercise above and have even a smidgen of dye on a single digit, congratulations, you are single handedly to be held responsible for the down fall of the worlds greatest, most offering and welcoming nation. Your self assumed sense of relevance is greatly exaggerated, your ancestors are ashamed of you, and rightfully so. Pity is offered to those that act without knowing better, but nothing is offered to those that act because they feel entitled.

I don't always go to the Doctor, but when I do, I prefer to choose my own....

2010-03-23T22:58:00.003-05:00

Stay healthy my friend. That is what should be taken away from the latest piece of legislative rubbish sent down the hill from 219 drunk on power American congress men and women. Yes that refers to the 219 Europ-a-enthusiast that voted for this socialistic health care bill that will have America sailing a course she was not destined or designed to sail. No Billy from Philly, that wasn’t last night’s hook-up passing her philly steak with cheese that, was Ben Franklin and his kite rolling over in his grave. Nancy Pelosi has been showing excitement over this victory ever since she blew herself into the highest position in the House of Representatives. Or perhaps that was just many face lifts gone bad? Ironically the man that made health care reform his “life’s work” while in the Senate, Ted Kennedy is not going to be healthy enough to enjoy this moment. Rude, out of line to say such a thing, you might be saying? Well hey, put the double whopper with cheese down and become educated. This is the same Teddy Kennedy that left a campaign helper and professional secretary Mary Jo Kopechne to die in his Cadillac as it lay at the bottom of a tidal channel on Chappaquiddick Island, Massachusetts, that’s a water way for you new healthcare reform beneficiaries. Glad to see people’s health and well being has always been a high priority for the “Liar of the Senate.” So to all you honey bun eating, grape soda sucking, supersizing, diabetes inducing, cottage cheese smuggling, dumbo-ear underarm dangling, compression sock wearing, no feet seeing derelicts, congratulations your day of appeasement has arrived. And even better for you drains on society, from this dreadful day forth stints and lap bands are on the house! Pity to those that feel emboldened by unearned handouts and who have blindly been rejuvenated by benefits without perceived recourse. Today is a sad day for all of those who were taught to work hard and earn what they got. Today America has taken a stunning turn back towards the government meddling and dictation that our founding fathers willingly fled from Europe for, over 240 years ago. Again congratulations to all of you that lent a helping hand in guiding the USA backwards, relegating her to just another lamb in a flock of wolves. An environment of enslavement is being created, not a buy, sell and own type slavery, but a dependency type slavery that latches on to an institution that in reality only looks out for itself. A servant type society that is ruled by the premise of letting just enough of the good scraps fall from the table to keep one hanging out beneath the table to sit and wait for what is next. Franklin Roosevelt established vast social programs to embolden a great people of a great nation because it was pertinent to the times; the social programs being railroaded down our throats today are to create a social divide, a class system, where over time one group becomes dependent on another. Tears should not be shed for us, but for the WWI, WWII and Vietnam generations of Americans that refused to backtrack to the pack and concede to status qua. It is without doubt that their sacrifice has now been officially declared done in vain and without appreciation. Today we have become what we fled, a hand-out not a hand-up society.

All tyranny needs to gain a foothold is for people of good conscience to remain silent.
- Thomas Jefferson

Educate and inform the whole mass of the people... They are the only sure reliance for the preservation of our liberty.
- Thomas Jefferson

Micro-machine mayhem and Funbag Fondue!

2010-03-10T10:49:00.002-06:00

For those that are having problems with their Prius’s, actually let us back track, for those having their second problem with their Prius, for the first problem was clearly deciding that it was a good purchase. We have this to offer. While seeing video footage of grown men zipping helplessly down the highway in a shoe box with wheels is both scary and intriguing all at the same time, The Levee wishes no ill will or harm on anyone, unless they are personally acknowledged by specific name or group affiliation. But we digress; The Levee has assembled a list of helpful hints to stop that pesky TOYota PriUS.

- Knock the hamster off the wheel.
- Remove any one of the three AA batteries.
- Just ride it out until the pull chord retracts back into the vehicle.
- Cover the solar panel.
- Quit running forward, a la Fred Flintstone, and dig your heels in.
- Drop a canoe anchor.
- Simply open the door and step out.
- Find a speed bump.
- Dismantle the flex capacitor.
- Start thinking about what color Ford Focus you want next.

And from the disgustingly crossed the line file we offer you Peta’s new Vegan Velveta. Is it okay to sh!t your pants and act a toddler after you eat this, or are you still required to act like an adult and use the head?

Triple tail, split tail, yellow tail and Vancouver Can'tada

2010-02-18T10:29:00.003-06:00

40 degrees F and complete cloud cover is not exactly ideal for a laidback Gulf Coast fishing trip. Then when the captain pulls on a full face mask and goggles, actually intended for intense paintball, “It’s going to get a bit cold”, warnings are rendered worthless. And finally when he motions towards the stowage compartments under the platform deck at the bow of the boat as a “good place to curl up” during long runs, one might ask, why make a long run? And nothing can warm a group up like1 fish in 5 hours between 5 anglers, but again like that former fishing guide once said “that’s why it’s called fishing not catching!” Pretty sure that clown is selling homeowners insurance now on the Gulf Coast. We wish you well sir!

So Tiger Woods Inc. is rolling out a new promotional offering, to try and do a little PR damage control and win some fans back into TW’s corner. Phil Mickelson did something similar with Ford a few years back, the Tee it up with Phil campaign. Where basically contestants submitted applications, videos or bogus make-a-wish claims and then the most deserving, the funniest or the phoniest heart tugging applicant wins and gets to play 18 holes with Phil. Well the Tiger camp has taken this idea and Tiger’d it up a little bit. The contestant that can prove that he or she is a bigger piece of fecal ooze than Tiger wins a chance to join Tigers already exxxclusive 3-some. The lucky winner will join Tiger, alleged tryst Holly Sampson and 2nd alleged tryst Joslyn James for a romp around any and all the holes with as many balls as needed. Shoot straight gentlemen!

The Winter Olympiad is upon us, and what a spectacular debacle it has been. Has one country or province (Vancouver) ever crapped the bed this badly this quickly? With still 2 weeks to go let us now look back over the first week and reflect on all that the Canucks should feel vury vury surry abute.

1) Luge course that terrified the world’s greatest luger’s. Obviously for good reason.
*Edt/update 2/18, 10:12am - Bobsledder hospitalized after injury on same sleigh track.
2) Wayne Gretzky’s contraption not coming out of the floor during opening ceremonies (:42 sec, 1:35 and 2:33 marks).The Great One hasn’t looked this confused since he tried to coach instead of play Hockey.
3) Um, the overall lack of snow for the WINTER OLYMPICS.
4) The constant rain and not snow at the WINTER OLYMPICS.
5) Allowing Al Rocker to pass through customs.
6) Allowing the Two man luge to be an event. WTF? As if 1 grown man in brightly colored tights on a sled doesn't raise enough questions, they are now trying to capture the Anderson Cooper demographic.
7) Not insisting that Apolo Anton Ohno shave that little food catcher on his chin before he goes round-n-round with little Asian men in full body tights.
8) Calling Men’s figure skating “Men’s figure skating” there has to be a more appropriate name for these flaming Peacocks. Actually that should be it. PeaCocks on Ice!

And finally we here at The Levee would like to tell the tulip sniffers at Yellow Tail to EAD. If you don’t know what EAD means, go to your local mall and ask the first kid you see with braces and zits.

Does "Size" matter "More" or less?

2010-01-27T00:32:00.002-06:00

You want musings? Yes I feel I was promised musings! Seriously, do you really know what a musing is? Wherever you fall, fact is the Levee promised them and unlike your prom date, we don’t tease. So forgive the delay, but a little thing called football and unemployment rose up and priorities had to be re-assessed.

* Let it be known that some of Hemingway’s best works were forged as he found himself immersed in booze, salty air and La Quinta comforters.

Sitting in a seaside hotel room having watched The University of Kentucky earn the #1 basketball ranking in the country, to then take a congratulatory call from Pres. Barry Obama and shockingly on the same day lose to South Carolina, one is inclined to do the next natural thing and that is of course to flip to Celebrity Rehab w/ Dr. Drew. It is no secret that the lives of the see and be seen of high-society often time harbor much strife. And for those willing to enter Dr. Drew’s program, knowing full and well that they will never be viewed normal again, speaks volumes. But does it matter? Case in point, one time prolific Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss, who may or may not be addicted to caulk, has claimed to have spent the last 6 months with no human contact, just birds? WTF? Charlie Sheen just got arrested for threatening his new wife, but being compared to a bird has got to be a new low! At Dr. Drew’s, Heidi was quickly becoming an after thought; that was until Tom Sizemore, Heidi’s personal Ike Turner showed up. Now Heidi’s fat upper lip makes sense, and to think we all thought it was a bad collagen session, or even worse perhaps an angry carrier pigeon exhorting his toll. In the meantime Dennis Rodman is claiming his issues, hey Dennis we appreciate your openness and so does VH1, but you haven’t exactly been fooling anyone. Even so, it is nice to see McKenzie Phillips try and play good cop/facilitator, while we all patiently wait for that follow up album to whatever it was that rocked skating rinks across America for those 3 months in the early 90’s. But we digress. Back to the Fleiss/Sizemore reunion, this is good, will he go little drummer boy on her nose or will she just assume the position and pull her hair into a pony tail? No one knows. And for breaking news, sure as the Hollywood freaks come out at night, one of the therapists has just proclaimed that Sizemore has “very recently” been using meth. Wow! Stop the presses! Ms. Therapists do you really think you can get Oscar worthy performances like his by simply rolling on Winston’s, Mtn Dew and life? Hell no, this man is inspired and joins the rank and file of all those that fell before him, loaded full of everything not right, just to ensure that you enjoy your $20 and 2 hours spent at the cinema. Cut the hero some slack and roll him a fatty for crying out load! Tom Sizemore is the working mans George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Ben Affleck rolled into one, but with twice the girth, no tolerance for lip and a better upper cut. Word to the un-wise and easily entertained, sit back and enjoy this Titanic-esque calamity, that is Dr. Drew's celebrity rehab 2010.

** Spoiler alert - For those who have given up on themselves and actually decide to watch: This show could really go places if that nobody guitarists from Jane’s Addiction would just get back on the needle. Seriously bro, you’re not helping the ratings.

As bullets whizzed by, the fishing had never been better.

2010-01-20T12:29:00.003-06:00

Since when did live coverage of 3rd world news turn into "casual day"? Don’t dwell on that right now but stay with us and think about it for a moment. Why since the advent of live news reporting from war torn/disaster plagued/weather decimated areas across the globe have the news correspondents felt it necessary to first and foremost pilage their fishing and outdoors closet and then hit the road? Let’s see there is the long sleeve Columbia fishing shirt (so it can be rolled up in the tropics and the blistering Middle East afternoons and then quickly unfurled for the cool Arabian nights), the dark undershirt, of course the poor fitting network affiliate ball cap (especially during weather related broadcasts), and then the one staple that truly knows no borders or boundaries….the freaking vest? Don’t get me wrong the vest is a very under appreciated and under utilized garment in the main stream, it’s very diverse and can accommodate in a vast array of environs. But it seems to have really become an integral part of the media 3rd world survival kit. The globe trekking correspondents of yester year who could only record happenings on the front lines as they played out with still photos would obviously where such vests to hold their cameras, film, batteries, cash for bribes and a few cyanide pills for worst case scenarios. It was a necessary tool to aid in the recording of events to send visual evidence back as to what was happening. Al Roker on the other hand probably has 6-8 honey buns on him at any given time. In all honesty if the bureau chief came in and said pack up you’re on the next flight out to Port au Prince, grabbing your fishing gear might not be a bad idea, at the end of the day it is still a sea side port in the Caribbean! Now for the Middle East assignments not sure the same can be said, perhaps some SPF 50 (mayonnaise), wrap around sun glasses, flip flops, a parasol, a full spandex one-piece (sand has the innate ability to migrate and defy gravity) and a Gilligan hat might have one better prepared. It does seem quite audacious that many a news folk feel it proper to dawn the woolen pea-coat in front of their peers, but the instant it’s off to another country/continent/hemisphere it’s time to “go casual” and break out the khaki, navy blue, forest green and brown uniform. But a real hats off to those that decide it’s a good idea to accessorize as well, perhaps incorporating a local piece (scraf/wrap/burkah) or even better is the flack-jacket and helmet! Hey reporter person you are fooling no one, just because they love mushy rice and don’t speak your language doesn’t mean they are brain dead! You can’t help but think there are citizens scattered about the Amazon, Iran, Darfur, Laos, Arkansas and Guatemala that wonder who is this awkward army that bring only cameras and microphones to a region in turmoil?

* Columbia, Patagonia, The North Face and Orvis all declined The Levee’s request to be interviewed for this piece.

Volunteers needed: Head coaching experience a plus.

2010-01-13T12:06:00.004-06:00

My oh my, how things have gotten interesting in college football lately, especially considering the next game won’t be played until Sept. 2nd of 2010. Instead of a monologue-esque debriefing let us just bullet point the highlights with thought and opinion intertwined:

* Colt McCoy gets engaged with a romantic 50 yard line proposal to long time girl friend and frequent 1st runner-up in Jessica Simpson look-a-like contests. Colt hit a knee, began his spiel and quickly motioned for Garret Gilbert to come in and finish up for him. In other news it was reported the Jordan Shipley was seen stumbling around 6th street rambling to anyone who would listen saying “I was only in it for the pub anyway, I prefer point guards!” Regardless, we honestly hope it was just your arm that died the other night Colt!

* Pete Carroll abandons the sinking USC ship, which is at threat to be pillaged by NCAA sanctions, for the football fertile Pacific Northwest of Seattle Washington. Careful Pete, Sea Hawks feed on rats.

* Jim Leavitt takes South Florida from literally no existing football program and working/changing/training/coaching out of double wide trailers to a perennial bowl team in 13 years! But apparently the 1980’s playground favorite “slaps” is frowned upon between coach and player, subsequently Jim has joined Capt. Leach as first mate on the SS Woody Hayes. God Speed gentlemen.

* Urban Meyer has quit, un-quit, and finally decided to take an extended leave of absence at some point from coaching the Gators. You think that’s crazy, try waking up in a cave, wrapped in linen cloth and spices then having to roll back a huge boulder just to get some fresh air, that’s what Tebow’s been dealing with.

* Lane Kiffin has left the Tennessee program after one mediocre yet tumultuous year to take over the helm at said sinking ship USC. He has taken his father and a few others with him from Knoxville; included in the group is none other than grade A class act and complete lunatic Ed Orgeron. This man has the same effect on a child that a first time jack-in the-box toy encounter has, leaving them paralyzed with fear and more than likely requiring some therapy. It is reported the as Kiffin was trying to tell his current Tenn. players the situation (situation = I’m getting the F out of Tennessee and heading back to Cali for twice the money and 18 times the scenery), old Coach O was on the phone with Tenn. recruits and early enrollees (some of whom were in the room with team and Kiffin) telling them to jump ship/skip class/don’t enroll and come with them to Southern Cal. The classiness is strong with this one. By 2am Wednesday morning, those west bound moving vans out of Knoxville had already hit Mtn time. Pretty sure the Kiffin children won’t be making it to school the rest of this week.

The next big day for college football will be the first of February when thousands of hopeful high school seniors will sign their letters of intent to play ball at one of the hundreds of colleges that have football programs. To the majority of you, we say good luck, to those handful of others, and you know who you are, break a leg!

Maybe a dead arm wouldn't have thrown 4 int's?

2010-01-08T11:18:00.004-06:00

They say that one mans junk is another mans treasure, if it were Brent Musburger saying that about Colt McCoy and Jordan Shipley it would have some validity, but ironically neither was the inspiration for that. Now, one mans pain is another’s pleasure is more like it and watching the expressions of pain from the burnt orange nation last night was a pleasure indeed. In a classical match-up of Corner Office versus Cubicle, the college football world zeroed in on the BCS National Championship game at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena CA last evening. And for those of you too busy draining water lines and wrapping sheets and heat lamps around your hydrangeas, the Cubicles rose up and defeated the Corner Offices. But sometimes in defeat comes small victories, like Texas fans having the built in excuse of “But Colt was hurt." They could be right or they could be wrong, but what is right is that we will never know, a lot like whether or not TCU could have beaten both Bama and Texas, oh never mind we do know that’s not true. It was intriguing that over the course of the year Texas safety Blake Gideon apparently learned how to catch the football, hauling in an impressive interception on an Alabama fake punt (ironically had he batted the ball down, the Whorns would have gotten the ball even closer to the end zone, thus probably not having to have Colt run the “fall on top of the left guard and get ribs and shoulder cracked play” but I digress) but like they say the good lord giveth and the good lord taketh away, somewhere between all the catching sessions Blake forgot how to tackle. He personally made Mark Ingram look like, well a Heisman winner. Sorry for that lay-up, I have to appease the simpletons as well. Also while were on it can Texas spring for some Velcro shoes for ol Mack, he looked like he was giving that shoe a 10 minute prostate exam on the sideline. And after watching Nick Saban almost morph into Nick Satan after the Gatorade dunking makes one want to see them win a big game on a very cold night to see if he really loses it and moves in with a single mother, her mom and her effeminate son. Hey Nick, you just won the National Championship and got a $400K bonus; get over your nips being a little perky. All in all a great game and a personal thank you to ABC for not plastering Mathew McConaughey all over the screen, seeing Vince and his pencil thin beard was enough.

So here’s to another college football season in the books, and as of today my team is as good as yours, so suck it.

The BCS worked, at least for one game.

2010-01-05T09:46:00.001-06:00

Attn: Gary Patterson, just because you wear a mock turtle neck Dry-Fit, we don’t confuse you for a marathoner, just as having a gym membership makes no guarantee of a lean body, perhaps a wind breaker would complement the visor and swollen intestines a little better. Poor TCU who felt disrespected by having to go to the Fiesta Bowl and mingle with the ilk from Boise State, instead of getting a shot at Bama or Texas, you should be glad you weren’t at the Emerald Bowl where you belonged. I couldn’t help but think about all the TCU tough guys (Reader: don’t be sidetracked with laughter) who, after the bowls were announced, swore on their Butler’s grave that given the chance would whip Bama or Texas, to then go and stink up the joint like last night. Thanks for proving that, at least for this year the BCS got part of it right. Better luck this spring, hopefully y’all won’t screw Spring Break up.

Mutiny on the High Plains.

2009-12-30T12:58:00.002-06:00

Well unlike Mike Leach at Texas Tech, we are back. Forgive the long hiatus, but the holidays, bowl games and special team melt-downs can keep a man in the proverbial dark shed for a while. Yes it’s true, as this is being prepared, the semi-lunatic pirate want-to-be in Lubbock has finally succumbed to mutiny and been forced to walk his own plank. This is just another rung on the ever growing ladder of Texas Tech decisions that leaves the rest of the semi-interested world scratching their collective heads. Outside of rampant STD’s Tech finally had something that put them on the national map of relevance. Mike Leach love him or hate him, made the Red Raiders a very formidable foe on the grid-iron. Even the gimmick hire of Bob Knight couldn’t steal the spot light from the chubby Vince Gill look a like. All of this was brought about by the reported “whining” of one Adam James, WR/TE, son of Craig James, lazy worker and all around d-bag. Adam was ordered to spend his practice time in a dark shed/garage due to a mild-concussion. But like it’s been said before one mans shed is another mans garage, regardless the one truth is, whether it was a shed or garage, it was not suitable for Adam and the silver shovel he’s been served off of his entire life. Congratulations James family, Father Craig (after a brilliant high school career leading Houston TX juggernaut Stratford HS to the ’78 state championship) was involved in one of college Footballs “darkest” moments, when he and fellow badass, Eric Dickerson, took so much money, coke, cars and women at SMU, that the NCAA gave them the dreaded Death Penalty, thus completely ruining the schools football program for the better part of 3 decades. And now Adam has managed, in Mike Leach, to get the best thing to happen to Texas Tech since penicillin fired. One can only assume if Adam hasn’t been flogged to death by print time in the Alamo Dome locker room, that he probably won’t be welcomed in to any other program with open arms. Oh and was it mentioned that if Mike Leach was still the Head Coach of the Red Raiders on 12/31/09 he was due an $800K bonus. That’s right all the genius in Lubbock got together and decided to save the University $800,000.00 by firing Leach 1 day before the bonus was to be earned. Congrats Tech enjoy your slide back into obscurity, tell Baylor hi when you get there.

And to all you idiots out there that will celebrate this bowl season by at some point chanting SEC, SEC at a game or even worse a bar, you my non-friend are an ass-hat. That’s like cheering for the guy on Biggest Loser, just b/c it’s a guy. With that you are saying that you would rather have another skinny dude on the streets rather than a recently skinny chick, with possible esteem issues. Again I tell you that you are an idiot.

Eye-yie-yie of the Tiger....

2009-12-02T09:45:00.002-06:00

Tiger it’s one thing to go out on one leg and win our nations most prestigious golf prize, but we must say your latest feat is truly one of a kind.

Seriously how on earth can you hit two stationary objects in your own driveway and darn near total an Escalade all the while never exceeding 33 mph?!! We know you are half Asian, but this begs the question, is the driving gene that dominant? So if you got your mother’s driving genes that means you surely got something ethnic specific from your father as well. Hmmmm…. Maybe this is why about 14 girls are claiming affairs with you. Just saying.

Look, do us all a favor, you have proven that you are at least half human with your latest escapades, now go out and fire a couple 83’s at the next few majors and we will all feel better about you and your antics.

Finally this makes a wise old quote make complete sense, we just had no idea the Tiger frequented Dudley’s Draw in College Station TX, and with a sharpie no less.
“No matter how hot she is, someone, somewhere is sick of her shit” – Eldrick W.

L$who falls victim to one of their own, and Mack goes public as NAMBLA's newest spokesman.

2009-11-22T00:02:00.003-06:00

Thank you doLes w/ more Miles, you sir have made us here at The Levee look a genius once again. Here lately pundits have given Bobby Bowden a hard time for “maybe” not exactly knowing what is going on during the waning seconds of a game, but you know what you fraud, you are 30 years Bobby’s junior. Your only excuse is what we all have known, and that is that you are a football moron! While watching you douche the Ole Missy game, the thing that added enjoyment to our pleasure, was listening to your Al Gore-ish rationale during the multiple post game interviews; that was absolutely nothing short of football folly purple and gold. It seems the ball boys were the only ones you forgot to blame for your abortion of a coaching job. Michigan is dealing with two consecutive years with a losing record, but you know what, all the Michigan Men around the world will wake up tomorrow grateful that you turned down that job. Here at The Levee, we take no glory in the public flogging of another mortal, but this next week we will enjoy your media lynching.

Can ESPN give Cosro and Holtz their elastic band wrist watches and send them on their way please? These two Social Security thieves need to hire realtors in Flagstaff and start enjoying their golden years. Corso can’t complete a sentence on Gameday anymore, and without the stretch of context clues, no one would have a clue to what he is referencing 80% of the time, and Dr. Lou’s Notre Dame infatuation is borderline a friable offense. Someone please remind him he works for ESPN not NBC, plus the on set camera men or tired of having to wear ponchos in studio!

And while we are at it can someone remind Mack Brown that senior night is a football game not a debutant ball, and that calling timeouts to show your man boy love crush on McCoy, Shipley etc… is not necessary. Mack, if you want to spend that much time in close confines with those two, jump on their bass boat sometime. Because there at best they can only get 18 feet away from you. Plus there will be plenty of poles on board to keep you occupied.

“Talent is hitting a target that no one else can; Genius is hitting a target no one else sees.”

Just die already Maj. hASSHanOLE. The Levee's Locks 11/14. YTD: 24-20

2009-11-13T11:54:00.002-06:00

News out of San Antonio is that the whack job Army Psychiatrist, Major Nidal Malik Hasan, who killed and injured dozens of soldiers at Ft. Hood, is currently and going to remain paralyzed from the waist down. That begs only one question……What the $*@& are you going to do with those 72 virgins now you worthless piece of camel dung. May you get a wheel-chair with square wheels and a nasty staph infection to boot. Forgive the rant, just needed to get that off the chest.

It seems like just yesterday it was August and all were eagerly awaiting the upcoming season and the glory that it could hold. Now reality has checked in and ain’t leaving any time soon, so we have had to deal with it accordingly. With that let us take a look at The Levee’s Locks for week 11.

1 Trina:

Neb -3.5 v Kansas – The Jayhawks have lost their last 4 straight up and against the spread. Nebraska is coming off a huge win over OU, having held the Sooners to 3 points. It appears that the Jayhawks have shifted focus to basketball a few weeks early, all though being pre-season #1 might have that affect.

Oklahoma St. – 3.5 v Texas Tech – Just feel like the Pokes are the better team here. Tech is 1-2 on the road and Ok. St. is 4-2 at home. Other than that all we know is that both schools foster coaches with the propensity to indulge in adult beverages and there should be a lot of fun coeds at the game if nothing else.

Clemson -8 v NC State – Clemson was favored by more and won by more to a better FSU team last week. Only thing I can think is the “trap” game with the hated South Carolina Gamecocks right around the corner for the Tigers.

2 Trinas:

Houston – 4.5 v Central Florida – This line jumped out like strange bump in the nether regions. UH has the most prolific offense in football and beat better teams by more points.

By associating with wise people you will become wise yourself – Menander.

Here’s to champagne wishes and caviar dreams!

Is that one, it looks like it's moving........no, that's still the fence post!

2009-11-10T17:49:00.002-06:00

No it wasn’t the H1N1 or any other physical ailment that can be blamed for the lack of attention shown to you devoted Levee Lackeys. It was indeed a much more serious condition, one that affects many this time of year. It strikes with full-warning, can become expensive to handle and can provide pure joy or udder defeat. Yes, it was a case of “buck fever”. This bug has bitten many and will for years to come. It will literally drive men crazy, causing them to spend hours upon hours in the truck, alone; hours upon hours in the woods, alone and days upon days at the deer camp, with 3 times the red meat and beer he needs, alone. Many of implement has been made to the once barbaric deer camp, the refrigerator/freezer, the microwave, the electric blanket and the satellite television to name a few, but many, the Smoking A Ranch in particular, are still internet-less. And that explains the neglect. But enough brisket, pulled pork, Coors lights and midnight spins on the mule, with a 1 million candle power spot-light, can make one forget about surfing the web real fast. So to those of you stuck in your concrete jungle this opening weekend, accept this apology and try to find a place to spend next years opening weekend. Let us now get caught up on the Levee’s Locks and preview a few games of interest for this (11/14) weekend.

The Levee went 1-1 two weeks ago with A&M’s Aggies handling the Cyclones of Iowa State with little trouble. Sure would make one think that heading into Boulder to become bowl eligible a week later would be a gimme for the Ags….. On the other hand the Cal Bears sure as heck did get caught in that “trap” game and had to come from behind to squeak past the Arizona State Sun Devils. Another “Golden” reason to never put your faith and/or hard earned capital in the hands of hippies. That brings the season total to 24-20, hitting at 54%. Still a great spot to be in.

Some games of note this weekend (11/14).

Utah @ TCU – All the sudden TCU is sitting #4 in the BCS with the # 16 ranked Utes coming to Ft. Worth. Perhaps they should open up Amon Carter Stadium to veterans for this game to try and eclipse the 40K attendance mark. Should be a good one, TCU is coming in as a 17.5 favorite, but that line is up to 20 at some places. Either get on the Frogs yesterday or wait until 2 minutes prior to kick-off and take the Utes if the line has climbed much more.

Texas @ Baylor – Can Texas cover a big spread, more importantly are the Horns pissed enough from getting jumped by Bama in the BCS, for not throttling UCF enough, to try and go out and obliterate Baylor. It might not matter; Baylor just went on the road and worked over a decent Mizzou team. There will be more burnt orange in Floyd Casey Stadium than Green and Gold, but that has become expected. Expect BU to let it all hang out, as much as they can without getting expelled from school that is, to try and cover the 23.5 points. It might not take much versus Texas’s 1 dimensional offense, but the Horns D can score as much as many offenses. Can’t wait to not watch this one.

Florida @ South Carolina – It’s always fun watching a Spurrier team play, even more fun when they are playing each other. The Gamecocks will go down, but they will go down in blaze, and their D isn’t bad and could force Florida to do something other than Tebow left, Tebow right, Tebow air it out and hope for PI. Will Florida continue to play it close to the vest, waiting on the SEC Championship or will they try and give Saban and crew more to think about in film session? Who knows, who cares just cover a line over 2 TD’s please.

“Ask what my country can do for me, not what I can do for my country.” - POTUS

More proof of the SEC producing superior athletes and even worse human beings.

2009-11-02T15:56:00.006-06:00

POS of the weekend award goes to Brandon Spikes.
- If karma is for real; you sir will sadly lose your own eye sight and never see any of your illegitimates ever again.

Rules with a limp wrist award goes to Urban Meyer.
- For suspending Brandon "I use my fingers like" Spikes for only the first half of next weeks Vanderbilt game. If karma is for real; your house will be robbed and ransacked with all valuables stolen, but the case will remain cold and unsolved for eternity.

These kind of antics would sure make me want to start chanting "SEC! SEC!" as a Bama/LSU/Auburn/Tenn/Ark/Miss etc. fan watching Florida win the MNC. Seriously, pull for your team or STFU!

**Disclaimer** - The Levee does not believe in karma, just paying it forward.....

Elizabeth find a ramp, we'll be in the hot tub. The Levee's Locks 10/31. YTD:23-19.

2009-10-30T10:58:00.002-05:00

Do you know what Jennifer Aniston, Charles Barkley, Jessica Simpson, LC from the Hills, Elizabeth Taylor, Pamela Anderson, Dennis Rodman, Christie Brinkley, Brad Pitt and The Levee have in common? No it has nothing to do with the executive suite at The Wynn in Las Vegas, damn Elizabeth Taylor and that wheel chair and the Wynn’s complete disregard for ADA compliance, otherwise oh brother! But I digress. What all of these have in common is their uncanny ability to rebound. Whether it be rebounding a ball, a set of balls or simply coming back from an unsatisfactory weekend of handicapping to go an impressive 3-1. That’s right we are back to hitting at 54% and that’s winning my friend. So like Elizabeth Taylor told hubby’s 1-5 “let’s try and keep it up this time!” here are this weeks locks.

Haven’t you heard the recession is almost over, so F the 1 Trina’s we are playing with house money!

2 Trinas:

Texas A&M – 6.5 v. Iowa State – The Aggies are coming off a huge win against the Red Raiders of Texas Tech. And on the other side Iowa St. is coming of an even bigger (for their programs sake) win at Lincoln. Iowa St. was helped with 8 crucial turnovers by Nebraska, a few while they were literally going into score. Look for the Ags to have this covered by the 3rd qtr. And look for me to be swinging through the Cork and then to the house.

Cal – 6.5 v. Arizona St. – Not sure what is going on with this line, could be a “trap” game for the Golden Bears, but ASU is pretty bad and the Pac 10 isn’t exactly sown up yet. Jahvid Best might have 5 touchdowns himself and ASU might not score. Recommendation to anyone going to this one, find the ASU coeds it will serve you much better than the Cal coeds.

Remember it’s nice to be important, but more important to be nice….

Here’s to champagne wishes and caviar dreams!

Like Coach like fan. A boat full of idiots.

2009-10-27T13:03:00.004-05:00

There is that fear of the inmates running the institution, and understandably that should be a fear, but along those same lines is a fear that grips Chancellors, Athletic Directors, Regents, Boosters, Alumni and School Presidents across the nation. The fear of a coach bolstering an image and persona that makes themselves bigger than the school. With that, please meet Mike Leach, Head coach of the Texas Tech University football team. Real quick, do you remember Danny Devito in Twins? When he and Arnold Schwarzenegger were twin brothers and the doctors referred to Devito as the “left over crap,” trying to atone for the glaring differences in character, moral code, stature and appearance. It is fair to say that somewhere there has to be another Leach brother; he might be hard to spot because of his put together appearance, his way of articulating charismatically, his apparent self-respect, his upbeat demeanor and his ability to paint clear pictures with his words. Either way, Tech has not only been left with the “left over crap” but they have allowed this dung heap to place himself and his bender inspired agenda above that of the Universities. What started as mad scientist antics on the football field, that really did have the pundits raving, has morphed into lunacy and embarrassment. His blatant disrespect for, well just about everything not him, has sky rocketed; his knack to, without so much a pause, throw his own players under the bus is nothing short of moronic and his ability to high-jack a fan base and guide them down the road of disgust from across the nation should have him packing his bags. One, 10 year win season can’t justify what he has done to the reputation of this once proud School on the high plains.

If you had a son being recruited to play football at the Division 1 level and this is what you witnessed on a recruiting visit, would you feel good about sending your son there to become a man? It’s hard to say if the fans once again turning on their own, after he sustained a concussion a few weeks earlier while trying to lead “their” team to victory, by chanting “no more Potts” or the coach publicly calling out his lack of ability in the press conference after the game, which of these would have a more detrimental effect on a college athlete.

Sports venues get their reputations based on their environment and its affect on the road teams chance to do well there. Good fans make it hard by being loud and knowledgeable, like getting louder as they see the QB having trouble getting his cadence out or hollering at the guy that is 0-12 to “shoot it” every time he touches the ball. These fan bases build up a reputation and are respected for what they bring to help their team win. Bad fans are fans that pour strawberry kool-aid on a team as they run onto the field, if you laughed at that you have the maturity of a 17 year old, congratulations. Bad fans tear up their own stadium, they boo their own team and they take pride in acting like buffoons. There is an old saying that relates directly to sportsmanship and it goes “Cheer for your team and for your team to do well, don’t cheer for the other team to do badly.” Easier said than done.

Dear Sirr Mix-a-lot: Speak for yourself! The Levee's Locks 10/24. YTD: 20-18.

2009-10-23T13:21:00.003-05:00

The President has decided that he should have the authority to set and cap Wall Street executive’s salaries and bonuses. I guess when you have lost the ability to tell your wife that she really doesn’t need that 4th bear claw or remind her that a 20 piece is usually meant to be split, you have to flex your authoritative muscle somewhere. Kudos Barry, you are successfully eliminating competition amongst the best financial institutions, the same institutions that we all count on for productivity and increase in some capacity, and at the same time your better half has doubled her lower half in 6 months. Maybe she should take up smoking or basketball; it seems to work for you. Or maybe it’s the stress of running the greatest most powerful country on the planet, right into the ground, maybe that will curb a mans appetite. With that, it is the Levee’s honor and duty to help these under financed financiers recoup some of those lost wages. Let us now take a look at this week Levee’s Locks.

1 Trina:

Georgia Tech -5.5 v. UVA – Ga. Tech just handled the then #5 team in the country, Va. Tech. UVA is very close to DC, and DC is full of suck-bags. So Karma and Irony are on their way to do a little dishing.

Minnesota + 16.5 v. the Ohio State – the Ohio State just lost to the Purdue. Many tOSU fans feel the Tyrell Pryor (QB) needs to see the bench or the wide receiver position. Either way look for the Golden Gophers to be well inside the number.

Oklahoma St. -9.5 v. Baylor – Ok State just beat a decent, much better than Baylor, Mizzou team by 16. Baylor just got rabbit punched by Iowa St, 24-10. There should be ~18,000 fans, all tripping on sugar highs, at Floyd Casey in Waco on Saturday, but it won’t matter much. Ok State is looking to get all the kinks out before their showdown with Texas next weekend, sorry Baylor you are once again relegated to dress-rehearsal status. Don’t act like you’ve never been there either.

2 Trinas:

Oregon St + 21 v. USC – O State has beaten SC 2 out of the last 3 years. SC is looking to just keep winning, not blow anyone out. O State has talent that can hang with SC, just as Washington and ND did.

Take this and put it to good use. Or regurgitate it at a bar tonight, as if you know something, and see where it gets you.

Here’s to champagne wishes and caviar dreams!

Weekend recap, night cap, or whatever you want to call it.

2009-10-21T22:37:00.004-05:00

Real quickly, the Levee went 1-2 last weekend, bringing the YTD to 20-18. Still winning but would like more cushion. Relax there are as many winners this week as there are games played. We will address this later.

A few quick thoughts on Ole Miss and Oxford:

- An absolutely beautiful campus and town
- The square has everything one could want/need on a game day or any day really
- Sweater vests are still in demand
- When you think you have been in the car forever and are getting close, you’re not
- Jeans aren’t terribly popular
- North Face is terribly popular
- The Grove is a people watchers Mecca
- Four guys in pea coat jackets sitting together at a football game is not a coincidence
- Ole Miss claims to be the Harvard of the South, pretty sure there’s a pending lawsuit
- It’s a hidden jewel, very much off of the beaten path

Some quick thoughts on the weekend’s games:

- The Aggies of Texas A&M should have been made to walk home from Manhattan KS
- Sam Bradford should sue Bob Stoops or demand a $5 mil per year job from OU for life
- the Ohio State is in trouble with Pryor at QB
- The SEC is a cheating, whining mess
- Colt McCoy needs to drop the awe shucks act
- The refs that called LSU/UGA and FLA/ARK games have been suspended for 3 weeks

Check back later for the Levee’s Locks, or don’t. You can play and reap it, or you can just talk about it and reap nothing but regret. All the while trying to fit in and put on the show by simply trying to make your wife think you are something other than that guy she see’s leave every morning, all the while you both know that that’s really all you are. It’s your funeral…..

Stay thirsty my friends….

Why is your Sprite brown? The Levee's Locks 10/17. YTD: 19-16.

2009-10-16T12:39:00.001-05:00

It could be said that the vacuum sealer revolutionized the ability to freeze food items in a manner that would have it tasting as good the day it was frozen as it will 2 years later. And this thought has merit, but what the vacuum sealer has really revolutionized is College Football. Camel Bak was onto something with their liquid holding bladders, but it was only a matter of time before this idea was improved upon. They say necessity is the catalyst for invention and there was no doubting the need here. The need you ask, getting your beverage de jour into the ball game undetected and easily accessible. The time line of booze smuggling goes roughly something like this, the 5th bottle, the standard hard flask (groomsmen gift variety), the plastic flask to avoid metal detectors, the mini shooters, the soft sided flask and now the vacuum sealed pre-mixed beverage or just a simple 2-3 shot packet. Somewhere Che Guevara is applauding this epic revolution. But I digress. Why is this all the sudden relevant in week 7? Because this week the Levee will venture to the land where 9 out of 10 can differentiate, with just a passing glance, between a real or fake Louie, where tap water in a Fiji water bottle can be detected simply by sight and where the football game plays second fiddle to the hob knobbing of The Grove. That’s right Oxford bound and looking forward to see if the stereotypes hold water or if it’s the result of much seersucker envy.

There are a few games that The Levee likes this week, but not many, so here we go.

1 Trina:

UH -16 v. Tulane – The Cougs are a tough team to figure out, but when they put it all together they are flat out a tough team. Conversely Tulane isn’t a tough team. Look for Houston to take out some pent up Katrina revenge on the New Orleans residing Green Wave.

Navy -7 v. SMU – This is solely based off of Navy almost beating the Ohio St. and knowing that SMU doesn’t have Craig James or Eric Dickerson toting the rock. Unfortunately for both teams, especially SMU, they will lose most of their fans to another game going on in Dallas this Saturday. Good planning!

2 Trinas:

The Ohio St. -13 v. Purdue – tOSU is the front runner for the Big 10 title, with late season tests against Penn St. and Iowa. But they will toy with Purdue before putting them away by 3 scores.

Always leave them wanting more….

Here’s to champagne wishes and caviar dreams!

Step aside Metro's the Yuppies and Necks are coming to town. The Red River Rivalry '09.

2009-10-15T09:52:00.011-05:00

Reason # 76 to be thankful you don’t call Dallas home - The Red River Rivalry.

This is the week that you find out your lawn man attended Texas and that scantily clad bar wench went to OU or that over zealous co-worker from Kansas that went to Pittsburgh State owns 3 Texas coaches polos. It’s amazing how these die hard alumni keep their allegiances hidden so well the other 51 weekends of the year. Or 50 if either is playing in a big time bowl game, which has been occurring quite frequently of late. On one October weekend, once a year, Dallas is invaded from every conceivable direction by rabid Horns and overconfident Sooners. And so begins the annual shenanigans that remind non horn and sooner fan why he moved his family to Plano. Bar’s conduct contests as if it was Spring Break and they've tranfsormed into Louie’s Backyard. There is even a Tug-a-plane contest this year put on by Southwest Airlines, pitting a group of Horns versus a group of Sooners to see who can pull the plane the furthest. After the officials explain to the Sooner team that it is an airplane and not John Deere’s newest wheat combine, you have to think that they will out pull their soft handed counterparts. The only certainty is that the Levee will neither know nor care how this one plays out. Bars will be rented out by different student and alumni groups, thus forcing the regulars and locals to retreat to Addison and slum it up. There will be a run on the metallic car logos of each university, as if this run hadn’t already happened, like every May, August and December (graduation). The DFW residing alumni of each school will “reconnect” with old college buddies that they hadn’t heard from since, well college. Horn fans will pull out their most obnoxious burnt orange attire and feel the need to where it everyday of the week leading up to the game. While Sooner fans have put off the last hay cutting and bailing of the fall in anticipation as well. The State Fair of Texas will be in full swing, catering to just one of the at least two dozen state's Universities and to the state school of another state, makes perfect sense! Cabbies are already hiking their fares, knowing that no self-respecting Texas fan would dare park his 5-series in Fair Park, while Sooner fans say I dare you to F with my super duty 4x4. There are a few good things about this year’s game, first, it’s an 11am kick-off meaning there won’t be an entire days worth of suffering through Brent Musburger’s promos about a dramatic tale of two fabled teams destine for an epic battle of the ages and somehow incorporating Colt McCoy and Jordan Shipley’s bass fishing fetishes blah blah blah. Secondly the schools split the stands in half at the 50, both teams getting an end zone, this provides free entertainment because when one team scores in the other teams end zone, it invokes wild “we better dan you” celebrations, all the while whipping the many celebutards roaming the sideline on both the OU side and the Texas side into a freenzy. Finally the best part of this game is that one team will lose. This game also has the ability to spawn some creative folly, like theses guys or these MC's. In our best Nancy Kerrigan cry/whine we ask; Why? Why? Why? Why now? Why us? Why?

Smells fishy and it's not Michelle this time.

2009-10-13T17:40:00.002-05:00

They say if you give a man a fish, you have fed him for a night but if you teach a man to fish you have fed him for a lifetime. Obviously this was not part of any curriculum in the multitude of schools/churches were Barry O received his lessons as a child, and for sure not in the hallowed halls of Harvard or its esteemed law school. As well it is highly unlikely that many kids in Chicago are learning the values of the other education, the outdoors kind. And by outdoors education we don’t mean beating another teen to death with a fence post, which recently happened in a South side Chicago neighborhood. We mean the education that teaches respect, accountability, appreciation, confidence and most importantly a love of the outdoors and all it offers. What most enviro’s don’t realize is that the majority of outdoorsmen are in some form or fashion environmentalist themselves. Not the climb a tree and live in it types, rather the climb a tree to hunt from types, all the while following and respecting natures rules, the governments regulations and most importantly their own ethical and moral conscious about what is right and what is wrong. A good outdoorsman takes what he needs and uses what he takes. They follow seasonal guidelines, size restrictions, bag limits, all the while paying handsomely to do so in the form of licenses, permits and equipment to name a few. The direct by-product of all these expenditures is job creation and money being spent in all arenas directly related to the outdoors. The president in his slight of hand way is currently trying to literally do a complete face transfer on outdoor, especially fishing, policy. Sweeping policy change that would affect the weekend warrior, the seasoned salt and the commercial grinder. It is just now getting radio air time and making its way around the web. Whether you fish for recreation, for a living or just enjoy knowing that your husband likes to fish, this policy reform is detrimental to all. The sheer numbers of potential job loss is unfathomable; the sharp increase in equipment prices will force people out of the business and force others to find new hobbies all together. More than anything it is the latest attempt by this government to permanently become a fixture in your homes and your garages in this case.

Feds to 60 Million American Anglers: We don't need you.

Sleep-LES in Baton Rouge, what a yawner!

2009-10-13T09:11:00.002-05:00

What did we learn after the first full weekend of conference play?

- The SEC needs to get over itself already.

- Jevan Snead 4 interceptions against Alabama (hard to win a Heisman or a game for that matter with those stats).

- LSU’s inability to score a touchdown at home as the #4 ranked team in the country.

- doLes with more Miles going for a field goal instead of the TD, knowing his O hadn’t sniffed the end zone all game. Did he really think 3 points was going to be enough to send it to OT or was he just ensuring no skunk?

- Vanderbilt loosing to Army!

- LSU/Florida playing one of the more boring games of the season.

- Auburn getting ranked and then immediately getting blown out by Arkansas.

- Tennessee looking like the Vols of yesteryear in their romp of preseason top 10 UGA.

- Alabama and Florida have the two best defenses in the land and the two best teams for that matter, but watching Florida’s offense is like watching a c-section. You know the end result is going to be good, but the process is unnatural, painful and awkward.

- And for the rest of the country.

- We had said Texas isn’t playing like the #2 team in the country and finally the AP aggress, dropping the Horns to #3, after a lackluster effort against a bad Colorado team.

- Texas A&M literally handed Ok. State the game. An interception through the hands of freshmen CB Dustin Harris, which just happened to harmlessly fall into the waiting hands of a Cowboy receiver for a score was the difference in a 36-31 game. Plus a dropped TD on 4th and goal by QB/TE/FB Jamie McCoy.

- Oklahoma needed all 60 minutes to dispose of and cover against Baylor. Bradford looked rusty and wasn’t helped by multiple drops. Better get it straightened out before the Texas game this weekend.

- The Big 10 is still such a beating to watch. Iowa/Michigan on ABC trying to go head to head with LSU/Florida on CBS was a tough task. Even though that game turned out to be 10X as entertaining. That’s like putting anything against “CHiPs” in the 9am Fox slot on summer mornings in the '80s; it just wasn’t going to work out well.

- Who says you can’t lose your starting spot because of injury? Don’t tell Texas Tech back-up QB, Steven Sheffield, who was filling in for injured Taylor Potts. Sheffield threw for 490 yards and 7 touchdowns in the Red Raiders hammering of Kansas State. I am sure # 5, 6, and 7 were completely necessary. Sounds like a captain on a wobbly ship trying to put up some style points.

The Levee came back down to earth a bit this weekend, going a very pedestrian 3-4. Over all the numbers still look good at 19-16 or ~54%. Hey even Chuck Norris got bloodied up occasionally.

The Levee's Locks 10/10. YTD: 16-12

2009-10-09T14:31:00.003-05:00

Not sure if it’s the nasty weather, the sloppy football game between Neb and Mizzou that was suffered through last evening, or the need to stay up and watch Justin Leonard lip out a 3 footer on 18 for the match win and a point in the President’s Cup, or possibly the wife catching the 5:30am flight to Newark, but something has the Levee feeling a bit stirred, not shaken today. Well, that was until I realized that the wife had indeed caught the 5:30am flight to Newark, meaning I have ~48 hours to undo all that was done by Mary the maid this week and can more importantly watch 36 straight hours of football without feeling obligated to periodically check the E entertainment channel to figure out which Kardashian sister needed a PR boost and decided to got married or pregnant. Plus my main man “Buckshot” Gus went under the knife last weekend, so a little father/K-4½ bonding should do wonders for his shaky self-confidence. Speaking of confidence, does anyone know the record for most deliveries to the same house within a 48 hour period for Papa John’s? This is a question not a riddle, regardless it could be in jeopardy this weekend. So with that said let us dive feet first, always in the shallow end or any unmarked or muddy waters, of this weekend’s college football slate and see where the smart money is.

A country and western singer once sang about the virtues of a good gambler, and his/her ability to stay astute to the situation at hand and make decisions accordingly. One nugget of wisdom was knowing when to walk away, or in our case back off some plays, which could ultimately be the difference between getting new rims or having to fire the maid. Always remember the need for action is the house/books secret silent weapon. But this same singer also referred to himself and his love interest as two islands in a stream, Whiskey Tango Foxtrot! Just take all of this with a grain of salt and own any decision you make.

1 Trina:

Kansas -16.5 v. Iowa St. – Not inferring that KU is that good, but am inferring that Iowa St. is that bad. After Mizzou going down to Nebraska last night, the Jayhawks feel like the Big XII North is between them and the Huskers. Look for Reesing to have a big day, particularly with their RB a little banged up. Behind any game Syracuse plays in, this might be the most unattractive game on the schedule, and were not talking about the coeds either. This game will be best viewed on the scrolling ticker or in Sunday’s paper.

Alabama -4 v. Ole Miss – This line has moved up and down more than that Ole Miss Sorority girl is going too tonight. Everyone is on Ole Miss, which naturally would tell you to get on Bama. But that is not the only reason Bama is the play here. Bama will have one of its chief SEC rivals (LSU/Florida) enter Sunday with a conference loss and they don’t won’t to be in whichever team (LSU) that might be’s company. Plus Ole Miss hasn’t looked good at all and for sure hasn’t been tested by the speed and athleticism coming to Oxford tomorrow. Memo to Grove patrons, you’ll probably want to pull out the faux silver and china for this one, Bama fans have sticky fingers if you know what I mean.

Vandy -10 v. Army – The flight of the Commodores continues this week. We had to lay off last week, but whether good or bad for Vandy, they have been good to the Levee. This has all to do with Army struggling mightily this year, they’ve lost to Tulane and been blown out by perennial juggernauts Iowa State and Duke. But on behalf of The Levee we thank the cadets for their current and future service to our country. Where else could I be typing a blog, earning a pay check all while our country is fighting two wars? Only in America baby!

Iowa -7 v. Michigan – Not sure why there is so much focus on the football hotbed that is the state of Iowa, but smart money is blind, and thank goodness because the scenery ain’t much up there. And I like to look at row crops if you follow me here. Iowa is playing good football and Michigan is not. Tate Forcier is still banged up and they have had high level emotional and physical games the past few weeks. Iowa will get a big road win in the big house.

Colorado +33.5 v. Texas – Had to find a dog to get on. That’s a gaming term, so please let’s re-focus here. Texas will win by 3 maybe even 4 touchdowns, but not by 5. Don’t be surprised to see the Horns looking ahead to the fried Twinkie show down in Garland TX next weekend.

2 Trinas:

Oklahoma – 25.5 v. Baylor – Even with RGIII, Baylor doesn’t sniff this number. Bradford or Jones again no matter, in fact for good times sake they ought to run The Boz back out at middle linebacker and let him crack on some Baptists. OU looks to warm up for the crucial fried snicker fest next weekend.

Auburn -2.5 v. Arkansas – Auburn put up huge numbers on a Tennessee defense that smothered the #1 ranked Florida Gators. Arkansas put up pedestrian numbers on an A&M defense that couldn’t smother the common kitchen fire. Arky has been up and down the road over the last 4-5 weeks, they are tired, miss their trailers and hide-a-way sofa beds; look for an energized Auburn team to continue to build momentum.

As always, don’t forget to tip your servers. If you see a Papa John’s delivery guy looking lost, send him my way and remember do as The Levee does, always pass it forward.

Here’s to champagne wishes and caviar dreams!

College football, fajitas, covering spreads, botanas, palapas.... Is this Heaven?

2009-10-07T23:56:00.005-05:00

Let us toast another workman like effort from the Levee’s handicappers; hitting 4 of 7 plays this week brings the YTD season total to a respectful, semi-envious, 16-12, that’s 57%, you’re still making ching. Now don’t go calling Morton’s just yet, but feel free to start thinking about that savory first bite into a piping hot, medium rare, bone-in-ribeye. That burst of flavorful juices created solely from blood and broken down connective tissue, man aren’t we refined. But I digress, so how about we look at some high/low points from the weekend and quickly preview some intriguing match-ups for week 6.

LSU as predicted went between the hedges to knock off UGA, setting up this week’s showdown with the #1 Gators in Baton Rouge. LSU is still overrated, but don’t blame the bayou bengals for merely being survivors in this season of top 5 attrition. But for everything else feel free to hold worthLes Miles directly responsible. Remember it is in his contract to single handedly snatch defeat from the jaws of victory against at least one SEC after thought. By the way Tebow will play, the concussion probably caused brain cells to split, thus in his case doubling his previous cache.

Memo to Boomer Sooner fan - “You’re not done losing this season.” Like many an attack against the red man, there is no telling when and where defeat is coming from but just know that more is coming.

The difference between coaches and good coaches is the ability to put players in a position so that their strengths can be an asset. Equally important is seeing the flow of a game and on the fly, having the ability to make adjustments. Anyone who watched the Southwest Classic at Meadowlands West this past Saturday night knows exactly what is being referenced here. And like 98% of Saturday nights in Arlington TX, this one was menstrual esque, and should be flushed from the memory and never spoken off again.

Houston’s Metro busses hummed to a somber tone this week. After weeks of excited University of Houston commuters talking about beating Oklahoma State and then pulling off the shocker against Texas Tech, their beloved Cougs went into the Sun Bowl and got handled easily by the Miners of UTEP. Personal thanks to the Cougars, now we will all have to stomach another season of hearing about the proverbial “hang-over” game. Oddly enough it is now obviously clear that UTEP had been overlooking Texas for this premier math-up against UH.

The Levee’s recent Texican musings:

If a diorama of a city block, in the Rio Grand Valley of Texas, were being made, here are the items that need to be replicated to achieve authenticity: 17 cars pre-‘94, 8 leery lurkers, tires, signs, benches, fences, dogs, sinks, un-sea worthy boats, posters, flashing lights, banners, 3 strollers, 2 couches, cats, more tires, 2 taco stands, trash, debris, even more tires, 2 cows, chairs, bar b q pits, recliners, refrigerators, more dogs, telephone polls (both erect and strewn), lawn mower, guy standing w/ ice cream cart, and 3 girls pushing and carrying babies.

The mastery of the cocina by our southern neighbors continues to impress. The sheer thought of putting that much flavor and effort into so much, grade: barely-edible, meat de la vaca is nothing short of magical. One encounter with the infamous La Botana platter will leave even the most sinister of food snobs begging for pequeño más. El trabajo bueno mis amigos, el trabajo bueno!

Apparently we are in the midst of the Great Grass revolt of 2009. In arguably one of the most fertile areas for Lawn Mowing Maestros and Grass Cutting Gauchos in all the land, yard after yard locked abandoned. What fuels such irony? Is it like the swim coach that won’t get in the pool? Is it a fear of allegedly possessing the skills to be masterful, but the inherent fear of not living up to unrealistic expectations? That’s got to be it; most certainly this is the mental dilemma Juan battles daily.

El Valle is grand, not quite God’s country as some suggest, but an American treasure no doubt. As many “up-country” folk fear the H1N1 flu virus, they sit under las palapas enjoying a breezy 75 degree evening, more than likely with doped up skirt steak sizzling!

Week 4 thoughts and The Levee Locks10/3. YTD:12-9.

2009-09-29T23:35:00.004-05:00

It is a bit early to be so brash and throw out the locks of the week on a mere Tuesday evening, but in reality when you read this it will be Wednesday, even actually Thursday in Tonga and Fiji, where more than a few outriggers of NCAA football talent have descended from. So because of an early wheels up beckoning, and no guarantee of internet access in Northern Mexico, The Levee has selected its locks and jumped on early favorable lines and we recommend you do the same. But first let us quickly recap week 4 and the illegitimate child it threw into last weeks seemingly “happy marriage.”

Penn St. v. Iowa – How has Joe Pa angered Hawkeye nation so much to the point that 2 years running they have ruined what are supposed to be his golden years?

Cal v. Oregon – What a better way to follow up a Heisman type performance by a Jahvid Best than to go get humiliated by the wounded Ducks of Oregon. Only way it could have been worse is if some Berkley Bear hippie found themselves KO’d after the game and it not having been the result of falling out of a giant Redwood or a green tea overdose.

Texas Tech v. UH – The Levee said it would be a battle between oneself and what that one see's in the mirror. And it was, now Houston’s Cougars have that feel of a team jumping in the HOV lane on I-10, but with not enough passengers. They are speeding ahead like Cole Trickle, before the wreck and brain tremors. Mike Leach and his system met its match by way of a bunch of commuters that can flat out play ball. The fallout of this mess for Tech has been nothing short of awesome to sit back and watch. Since the game Leach has forced a few players to walk the plank that he might very soon find himself peering over the edge of.

Miami v. VA Tech – Honeymoons over Canes. Who would have thought that a bunch of hurricanes would have been so inept in a driving rain?

Let us now take a look at week 5. Conference play is coming into full swing and Barry O just announced that Cash for Victories is out of money, shocker. But you know who still has cash, is the books, and since The Levee decided not to participate in this recession, we feel obligated to go out and get more of it. Last weeks unworldly 5-2 mark has The Levee sitting at 12-9 YTD, that’s a winning percentage of 57%, remember little peons at 54% you are winning money, so be grateful and listen when daddy speaks. Here are some games to keep an eye on. Do what you will with the information provided.

1- Trina:

Washington +13.5 v. Notre Dame – ND wins this game outright, but not by two TD’s. Washington will use this next high profile game, since beating USC, to send a message that they are not a one hit wonder.

LSU +3 v. Georgia – LSU got caught looking ahead to UGA last week versus a determined, nothing to lose Miss St. team. With Florida, Bama and Ole Miss ahead LSU knows it’s either now or never to figure things out. If DoLes with more Miles can stay out of his own team’s way, LSU should win outright. The bayou bengals currently have more talent than UGA, and just need to handle a pressure packed, nationally televised SEC game. Again, as previously stated, LSU wins despite of Miles.

Texas Tech -35 v. New Mexico – Tech’s shortfalls have been well documented, and a mutiny might well be in the works, but Tech saw what Texas A&M did to the Lobos and will do whatever it takes to not be outscored by the lowly Aggie offense against the same defense. New Mexico has suffered both physical and emotional injuries lately and that’s just between coaches. This is a battle of who can hold it together longer. Tech will score at will.

2 – Trinas:

Alabama -15 v. Kentucky – Bama might be the best team in the country. And with Ole Miss looking so “poor” against South Carolina, Alabama need not fret Ole Miss, and won’t have a big game until the first week of Nov. when they square off against Florida. Alabama Quarterback McElroy has proven to be about as adequate as the great John Parker Wilson, meaning he doesn’t win games for the Tide, but equally he doesn’t lose games for the Tide. Alabama’s defense is as legit as The Levee suspected it to be about 6 weeks ago. Look for Bama to make a statement that they are the SEC’s bell cow team. Lord knows Saban is always looking for a chance to make a statement.

Ole Miss -8 v. Vandy – Disregard the “poor” Ole Miss comment above for this game against Vandy. And thanks Commodores for the ride, you’ve proven your worth and it’s been fun, but The Rebs will hand it to you on Saturday. Snead has had plenty of time to remember what color uniforms his team wears, remember he did play at Texas for a year, and that can be confusing to a young man, so look for high percentage passes. McCluster should be more involved in the offense and the Ole Miss defense is what’s holding them together right now. A classic battle of brains versus bankrolls should be entertaining. Ole Miss by at least two touch downs.

VA Tech – 13 v. Duke – Tech does not experience the hang over after a huge win. QB Tyrod Taylor is finding his groove and feels he has more to prove than a one time dethroning of Miami. The Hookies build off the momentum from last week and put Duke back in its football place.

Houston – 14 v. UTEP – See synopsis directly above and replace Tech/Hookies with Houston/Cougars and replace Duke with UTEP.

The pencils in Vegas are getting sharper; lines are finally getting to that point of justification on either side. You could sit on the sideline and watch and wish, or you could put yourself in the arena, exposing yourself to the possibility of both glory and defeat, the choice is yours, but no one wants to hear from that d-bag that claims he was going to do this or that, but……

So with that said remember this, in 125 years every single person living on the planet will be dead.

The Levee is not pessimistic, but realistic and sometimes the two get convoluted.

Here’s to champagne wishes and caviar dreams

The Levee's top 8 "Less than desired" moments in College Football, that have little to do with the game.

2009-09-29T15:29:00.006-05:00

In the wake of recent college football goings on, let us take a look at some of the more, head scratching, what the hell were you thinking and damn your screwed, moments in college football and see how those of yester year stack up with those of yesterday/week.

In no particular order here is a compilation of oddities that have occurred on and of the field of our beloved college football.

1. The 1954 Cotton Bowl. Rice vs. Alabama – Bama bench warmer comes of the bench and tackles Rice’s half-back on what would have been a guaranteed touchdown run.

2. the Ohio State’s Woody Hayes literally trying to dot the “eye” of a Clemson defender during a game for the whole world to see. Essentially the only thing that Woody really punched was his own pink slip.

3. 1981 - Texas A&M Officer of the day, going Blackbeard on an unsuspecting SMU cheerleader. Somewhere in a Bud-heavy/pot haze a young Mike Leach was drawing inspiration.

4. 2003 Mizzou pulls the up-set over Nebraska at home and one Tiger fan wishes he would have stayed in the stands where fans are put for a reason. Kellen Hustun throws that punch that every male bar fly dreams of at some point. You know the one where the other guy is smaller, not looking and inebriated.

5. 2001, the High Plains near Lubbock Texas, the Red Raiders had just pounded a team they were favored to beat, by the unmerciful score of 12-0. So naturally the Tech fans tore down their goalposts and proceeded to march them across the field. To no ones surprise a brawl would ensue and from that day forward Texas Tech and their ineptness was known now not only to Texans but to an entire nation. Guns up!

6. The punch seen ‘round the world. Lagarrette Blunt goes Rocky Marciano on some Boise St. bench heater and at the same time officially ruins his chances of ever using football to better his already troubled life.

7. New Mexico new head man, Mike Locksley, got into a “heated argument” with wide receivers coach, Johnathan Gerald, resulting in Gerald suffering a ruffled lapel and a busted lip. There is no word on what caused the flare up, but having seen them play, the receiver routes are far from the Lobo’s main problem. Perhaps Coach Locksley has a phobia of men with two first names.

8. Back to the High Plains. Texas Tech coach Mike Leach has banned all twittering and other similar social networking abilities of his players. This came after a LB tweeted from a team meeting wondering why he had to be there when “the head coach can’t even be on time.” Said LB'er is no longer on the team. And local village idiot, Brandon Carter, has been suspended indefinitely for tweeting about the season not going as he had suspected. So painting your face like a 12yr old going as a Goth tranny for Halloween is normal, but loosing a few football games isn’t?

No doubt there are many more oddities and infamous moments that have taken place over the years, but based on regional biased these are what came out on top. If you are wondering where the Stanford/Cal band play is, please don’t ever look at this bog again.

Levee Locks 9/26. YTD: 7-7

2009-09-25T15:45:00.002-05:00

Breaking news on the Sportscenter ticker, Ole Miss QB Jevan Sneed asking for a release from his scholarship and hoping to transfer, again. Just kidding, don’t get your seersuckers in a bunch Reb fans. But after last nights pitiful showing he might be wishing he was still Colt’s back-up or even wishing he had stayed with his original commitment where he’d be backing up Tebow right now, but who knows. As expected South Carolina put it all on the table last night and beat a clearly over rated #4 Ole Miss squad. An exciting game to start, what on paper, is not such an exciting weekend of college football, but we shall see. It was brought to The Levee’s attention that last week we were in fact 4-2 not 5-1, there were some line discrepancies in the LSU v. ULL game. So to you, that pointed out the error, thanks and now please go pick up that dry cleaning. That brings us to 7-7 on the year. 50% not bad at all, but to break even one needs to hit ~54% of their plays, to cover the juice. Let us now get straight into this weeks Levee’s Locks.

1 Trina:

Minnesota +1 v. Northwestern – Minn gave the #6 ranked Cal Bears fits last week for 3.5 quarters. Unless Gary Barnett is back in Chicago pulling miracles out of his wallet, I think the Golden Gophers win this game outright.

Tennessee -21 v. Ohio – Lane Kiffin and his Vols proved a lot last week, and he managed to do it without opening his mouth, at least publically for 60 minutes during their game at Florida. Yes they lost, but they stood toe to toe with the consensus #1 team in the land for 4 quarters. At times showing more athleticism and toughness than the Gators. Tenn. is still a year or two away, but they will give every opponent all they want this year.

Texas A&M -13.5 v. UAB – Last week a blown call that would have given the Ags first and goal from the 1, which ultimately resulted in a punt, and the 2nd team defense giving up a touchdown in the waning minutes of the 4th quarter would have had the Ags covering with points to spare. A&M will be without the services of phenom WR Jeff Fuller, out ~6 weeks with a broken fibula, but if there is ever such thing as a stable of unproven young WR’s, the Ags have one. UAB’s QB Joe Webb will be the factor; he can do it all and will have to for the Blazers to put up a good showing at Kyle Filed. Look for the Ags to try to get all the kinks out before facing Arkansas and then the gauntlet of the Big XII South.

Southern Miss +14 v. Kansas – KU struggled for 3 quarters last week with Duke at home. The final score truly does not reflect the plight of this game. If you don’t believe in off the field distractions, you might start now, twice over the last week the KU football team has tussled with the KU basketball team in exhibitions of mass fisticuffs. Talk about severe little brother syndrome, learn your place football team, no banners = no mouth running. They deserve your girls right now.

Ball State +33 v. Auburn – Don’t know much here other than 33 points is a lot of points. 35-0 looks good until that last second “meaningless” touchdown for the Cardinals in mop up time.

2 Trinas:

Vanderbilt -7 v. Rice – Vandy covered on the road in Baton Rouge and this line has gone down 4 points in Rice’s favor. Public, you didn’t let me down last week so let’s not start this week. Fade the public here and go 2 units on Vandy.

Florida State -12 v. South Florida – Fla. State’s QB Ponder is as quality a dual threat quarter back you could hope for in most cases. And on the flip side, South Florida’s QB Matt Grothe is out, not sure if it’s an injury or they just realized he’s been there for 7 years. Either way look for the Noles to try and make a statement to in-state prospects that although it’s not South Florida, Tallahassee is nice and it comes with free shoes and a fill in exam taker.

Funny in a week of “less than desired” match-ups The Levee was able to find 7 to play. But hey you can’t spell degenerate without rent, as in rents due, so let’s make some coin!

Here’s to champagne wishes and caviar dreams!

If life is like a box of chocolates and you have a nut allergy…..Week 4 is the chocolate covered cashews.

2009-09-24T16:47:00.005-05:00

After 3 solid weeks of exciting match-ups, meaningful early conference games and a slew of story lines this weekends slate leaves a bit to be desired. It was bound to happen; we can’t be lucky enough to have Colorado at Toledo type games every week now can we? This week’s TV games will however promise to be better watching than whatever marathon HGTV is airing all day Saturday for sure. You’ll find some decent games scattered around the country but not on the scale of last week. In fact one of the better games is going to be played tonight when Ole Miss travels to Columbia SC to see if their #4 ranking fits. The Rebs are good but severely untested and have meandered up the polls by simply letting those ranked higher lose and fall by the wayside. But hey don’t blame them; they just go as their schedule dictates. So let us now take a look at week 4 and some match-ups of intrigue, with a little window dressing and insight tossed in.

Ole Miss v. South Carolina – As previously stated, the Rebs are good but highly untested. Spurrier will pull it all out tonight and try to get the Gamecocks their first SEC victory of ’09. While Ole Miss will be looking to send a message to the rest of the SEC that they can go on the road, win in a tough environment and substantiate that top 5 ranking. With Spurrier’s GameCocks and Nutt’s Rebs, this guarantees to be a swinging good time.

Miami v. VA Tech – Both teams are feeling pretty good and carry good rankings coming into Saturdays contest. Especially Miami, they have been the flavor of the month from coast to coast since beating FSU at home and feel good riding the arm of Jacory Harris. And on the other side you’ve got VA Tech coming off a last second win against Nebraska feeling QB Tyrod Taylor might be putting it all together. This is the classic, centerfold versus the girl that didn’t quite have the waist-to-hip ratio to be a centerfold but still got a 3 page layout, match-up.

Arkansas v. Alabama - Good SEC West match-up between divisional favorite and divisional season killer. Arkansas put up good but not good enough numbers last week versus Georgia, while Alabama has really only been tested once, in week 1 versus VA Tech. Arkansas is in a tough part of their schedule that has them playing the #3, #1 and #4 ranked teams in a 5 week period. Plus an old rivalry renewal against Texas A&M mixed in. Bama won’t get caught looking ahead to Kentucky and would like to give the village something to be idiotic about.

Iowa v. Penn St. – Iowa ruined Joe Pa’s dreams of perfection last season. Outside of that, this seems like a good time to get that yard work done you’ve been putting off. Regardless of whether or not the score is 6-3 or 56-49, the Big 10 should be sponsored by Ambien CR, because not only will it put you to sleep, but it will also keep you asleep. Plus it’s fun to play “spot the hottie” when they pan the crowd and that game doesn’t last long in the Big 10.

Texas Tech v. Houston – This game offers up two teams that have a striking resemblance to one another, quick strike offenses and bend but don’t break defenses. A UH win would add another large feather in the Cougs hat, having already knocked off Big XII South contender Oklahoma State earlier this year. It will be interesting to see if the Red Raiders can shake off the tough loss last week in Austin and carry some of that momentum into H-town. With another 9:15 pm kick-off, which is ideal for Leach and his happy hour fetish, it looks like the Sunday sports page will be needed to aid in the analysis of this one.

Cal v. Oregon – Cal has one of the best RB’s in the country in Jahvid Best, and is now in the cat-bird seat of the Pac 10 with USC falling last week. Oregon is looking to make amends for their deflowering at the hands of Boise State and get a much needed home conference win. But with Lagarrete Blunt not suiting up for the Ducks, thus insuring that the only hitting will be legal, this might be a “catch the highlights on Sportscenter” type of game.

UTEP v. Texas – Will the Horns fall victim to the much over used “hang-over” game scenario? Not a chance, but hey since Y’all are Texas why don’t You try covering a spread this season.

As you can see week 4 gave us a bunch of lemons, so on the advice of many bumper stickers, we made lemonade, but remember there is always action to be had, so check back tomorrow to see if The Levee can stay hot and keep riding winners.

Remote control domination....agian.

2009-09-23T11:11:00.003-05:00

Week 3 of NCAA Football got the memo and carried the torch dutifully by providing high quality entertaining action from beginning to, way too late PAC 10 late game, end. For some reason it’s always the early/afternoon games that are able to be recalled play by play as if you were there, where now the 6pm and later games on the other hand are more a hodgepodge of sequences, separated by brief interludes of joy or disgust, that are then randomly strung together in no real particular order. Thank goodness for DVR, the internet and the early Sunday sports page. However it works out for you, there is a universal truth, complete mastery of the remote control is crucial. Without looking, the ability to hit “last” and “exit” in succession, get the score and repeat are imperative. Equally vital is being able to mash 4-3-2 while never loosing eye contact with your Vizio, instead of mistakenly mashing 7-6-5 and your mother-in-law wondering why we are trying to pay per view “Naughty Secretaries.” When really your intention was to get back to ABC for the Mussberger/McCoy make-out hour. What it boils down to is that complete sovereignty in your football viewing environment is a crucial half of the battle. Regardless of whether your team wins or loses, if some A-hole has high jacked the magic wand and you find yourself watching 300 in your own home on a Saturday afternoon, you my friend, are the only looser! With that let’s look back on some of week 3’s action.

That 11am Big 10 game that has been much maligned on The Levee turned out to be a great one. Minnesota v. Cal not only provided good action and heavy hitting throughout, but it also showcased one of the nation’s best running backs in Cal’s Jahvid Best. Best had 5 TD’s, look for him and the Berkley Bears to be the PAC 10 favorite from here out....

....which is the perfect segue to the Washington v. USC game. The Trojan(s) sprung a leak and we all know only bad things can result from this. In a classic pupil beats mentor game, USC went to Seattle and lost to a team that won as many games last year as VMA Video of the year awards Beyonnce won in ’09.

Tennessee went to the Swamp and pushed Florida to the very end. While it was mostly an ugly game on both sides, the Gators were 28.5 point favorites but a lopsided thrashing never even began to formulate. Once the line wasn’t in jeopardy, most people were more interested to see the post-game hand shake between coaches. It went without incident, but the war of words was “on” again as soon as each coach could get behind the safety of a microphone. Very fitting for the SEC, keep up the class fellows.

One or all of these next statements is true, you decide: 1) Tulsa is a bad football team 2) Landry Jones is an adequate QB 3) Bob Stoops never forgot how to embarrass lesser opponents at home in front of big money alumni.

Nebraska and Bo Pelini look like they might be closer to being “back” than many thought. Tough last second loss to V. Tech, but a confidence booster no doubt.

Georgia and Arkansas put on an offensive clinic, while the defenses were what some people refer to as exposed. 3 weeks, 3 different opponents and 3 different UGA football teams. Arky gets Bama next weekend and then over to the Meadowlands West, in Arlington TX, for a renewed rivalry with old SWC foe Texas A&M.

Texas and T. Tech lived up to the hype. Tech hung in there and left some wondering if Texas is playing like a #1 or #2 team in the nation.

Texas A&M put up huge offensive numbers again, but out of triumph came tragedy when they lost their best WR to a broken leg. Jeff Fuller is expected to miss up to 6 weeks. Look For Uzoma "EZ" Unoihavenoclue (#7) to step up; he did have 4 TD’s on 4 touches last Saturday. The Aggies of Texas gave up way too many yards and points to the Aggies of Utah State. Conversely the Utah St. Aggies would probably say the same thing. Hope the Aggies of Texas saved some of that offense, because they will need it in two weeks against Arkansas.

Oh by the way those that questioned The Levee’s handicapping skills how do you feel about 5-1? Look, it might not make you prettier, but it’ll make you feel prettier. And that’s all that matters. 8-6 for the year, check back on Friday for some more games of interest.

Levee Locks 9/19. YTD: 3-5

2009-09-18T12:10:00.004-05:00

Okay so things didn’t go as planned last week. That's why it's called gambling not winning and fishing not catching or even sometimes it's just sex and not making love, there is never a guarantee of a happy ending. There is however a guarntee of plenty of season left, so don't go hawking your golf clubs or your shotguns just yet. Here are a few games to look into for the week of 9/19.

1 Trinas:

Colorado -7 v. Wyoming – Yes we shot and skinned the buffs in previous posts, actually twice but they fully deserved it both times. The line has dropped ~3 points so we are going to fade the public here and assume Wyoming left it all out there against Texas last week.

UConn +10 v. Baylor – This opened at 7 and has been bet up to 10, again I have no faith in you, the public, so we are taking the points here.

ULL + 27 v. LSU – This is for the simple fact that LSU hasn’t covered yet, ULL is coming off a huge win over Kansas St. which gave them confidence that they could play with the big boys. Simmer down tiger fan, I am not saying KSU = LSU, but KSU does = Vandy and LSU couldn’t cover the 15 against them.

2 Trinas:

UCLA -11.5 v. Kansas St. – This opened at 14 and apparently John Q. Public didn’t hear about KSU’s loss in Lafayette last weekend and have bet this number down to 11.5. Big, fancy, nice, pretty, expensive things are in Vegas, because they know how to make the money, not in Manhattan Kansas by some hay seed not willing to give up on his Wildcats.

Texas – 17.5 v. Texas Tech – There will be over 100K at the stadium and Texas is looking to avenge last year’s heart breaker. Tech lost the only two guys that kept them in last years game, one is apprenticing as future CFL MVP and the other left millions on the table, on the advice of a family member/agent, to sit out a year and get re-drafted. Did no one learn anything from Ricky Williams using Master P as an agent?!

Stanford -17 v. San Jose St. – Stanford easily covered this same number in week 1 versus Washington St. I am going on a limb thinking Wazzou is better than SJS.

Here’s to champagne wishes and caviar dreams!

Parody want a cracker?

2009-09-17T10:52:00.004-05:00

So if picking winners were easy, everyone would do it right? But it’s not, however if The Levee’s advice had been followed, you would have been -1 unit on the 1-Trinas, -4 units on the 2-Trinas and +3 units on the 3-Trinas, for a net -2 units. Okay, so you would still have been in the red, and now you have to take the old lady to El Chico instead of Morton’s this week due to losses incurred and a diminishing net worth. It’s a long season, deal with it, in fact according to Chairman of the Fed Ben Bernanke the recession is “technically” over. What the hell does that mean Ben? Isn’t technically usually the precursor to something you don’t want to hear? Think about the last time someone began a comment with “technically”. It was probably followed with something the likes of, “________, yes I do posses the skills that would allow me to set you up with free movie channels and pay per view, but it might cost me my job w/ Comcast.” See bad news. But hey at least when the wife asks if you asked for it, you can tell her “technically I asked the cable guy, but ____ was being a snatch and something about loosing his job, whatever, I quit listening at technically.” See more bad news in a statement started with “technically.” But I digress. Let us get back to what matters most, let us get back to College Football. Like every year, although we act completely blindsided when it happens, ol Miss Parody has once again made her way into this season. She has gone the way of Mathew McConaughey and surfaced at way to many games, and it’s only week two! It started when the Steve “I’m only here for my Augusta Country Club membership” Spurrier led Gamecocks mustered a coma inducing 7 points against the State school of North Carolina, yet still got the W. That was followed by the Kimbo Slicing that occurred after Boise St. had their way with the PAC 10 title dreaming Duck’s of Oregon. Then Colorado State goes into Boulder and whips team Hawkins in front of 50,000 chafed rock climbers. Can you imagine the number of slashed Subaru tires after that one; it’s hard to have all wheel drive with only 3 tires now isn’t it! Syracuse got decent play from ex-Duke point guard Greg Paulus, and actually put some points on the board, they still lost, but they now know that the bulbs for the HOME team score on the scoreboard work, baby steps Cuse, baby steps. The Oklahoma Sooners got manhandled by a bunch of missionaries and lost their main brave in the process. Navy sailed into the Horseshoe and took the “I” dotters to the brink, some think The Tyrelle Pryor was thinking about how well he could have thrived in Rich Rod’s system at Michigan, considering all that extra practice and what not. UGA rolled into Stillwater in the most anticipated matchup of the day and got handled by the Pokes of Oklahoma State. Al Groh and his Virginia Cavaliers managed to lay down to both William and Mary, that won’t sit well in the Commonwealth. So the point should be clear that parody was alive and well right out of the blocks in the ’09 college football season. To drive the point home one need not look further than week two to see team Hawkins once again getting embarrassed, this time at the hands of the mighty Toledo Rockets or Notre Dame getting bested by Michigan, or the Cajuns that Rage in Lafayette serving beer in a college stadium just to insure that everyone was well primed for their victory party over Kansas State, or Oklahoma State following up a triumphant victory over Georgia only to have Houston’s Cougars come into Boone Pickens diorama and hang 45 on them, or a few Levee favorites, Texas unable to cover against Louisiana Monroe or Wyoming and then LSU unable to cover for the second week in a row, in a night game, in Baton Rouge no Les….miles, against the imposing Commodores of Vanderbilt. But at the end of the day aren’t these the reasons we so dutifully tune in week in and week out? Yes it is exactly why; look we all like Miss Parody when she’s skull pounding a rival, but the second she plants her keester on your team’s sideline one Saturday afternoon, while playing Arkansas State, it’s a real kick in the junk, trust us. But she’s also the reason many start twisting lids at noon on Saturday to start feeling right again and also to watch Fresno St. push Wisconsin into overtime, thus solidifying the +8.5 cover! Folks, I have excellent news, we are only half way through September, meaning there are still ~4 months of this insanity left to go. So let’s go Kanye, grab some Hennessey and redirect the spotlight on some of this weeks most intriguing match ups.

Tennessee v. Florida – Lane Kiffin hasn’t exactly endeared himself to Gatornation, accusing Urban Meyer of recruiting violations and then sarcastically referring to the ’09 Gators as probably the best team ever to play college football. Lane, we hope you packed your jean shorts, because the whipping might get deep in The Swamp and you’ll at least want to fit in.

Georgia Tech v. Miami – Attention: Lady’s and Haitian’s, The U is on their way back. After outlasting Coach Bobby “which team are we again” Bowden’s Noles in a thriller, the Canes will take on a solid GT team led by ACC player of the year Jonathan Dwyer. Engineers versus Paroles, should be a good one.

Duke v. Kansas – If Duke’s bigs can get physical on the boards, hit some 3 balls early and keep KU’s transition points to a minimum; the Dukey’s have a chance. Look for The Phog to be brimming with heavy jayhawketes and desperate jaycocks.

Nebraska v. Virginia Tech – 10 years ago in Lincoln and 7 years ago in Blacksburg this would have been a hell of a game, unfortunately neither team could get all their criminals on the field at the same time. There will be plenty of Ramen noodles and Twinkies wagered on this one. Leavenworth might go on lock down.

Rice v. Oklahoma State – Will Oklahoma State get Two-ston’d? That’s 0-2 against Houston area teams, Think Houston Rockets dynasty circa mid 90’s. Or is this Gundy’s cheap way of recruiting the Greater Houston area? As if the hunters blaze orange billboards in Hobby Airport weren’t doing enough.

Louisville v. Kentucky – See Duke/Kansas, but between extra marital affairs and DWI’s this might get testy. If KU wins will Calipari get to keep it? Check back in 5 years.

And now a personal favorite of The Levee:

Texas Tech v. Texas – There was a time when The Levee would have pulled for the Taliban versus the Longhorns, but with the annoyingly strong emergence of over the top Red Raider fan, much due to Barry O’s shovel ready job projects; The Levee finds itself in the proverbial quagmire. But it’s not about The Levee; it’s about Texas University and Texas Technological University. You see on one side you have the self proclaimed Texas elitist and on the other side you’ll find the “I would sell my soul to be a Texas Elitist, but I was hung over for my SAT’s,” crowd. Both equally obnoxious and self righteous and beneath the dim light of a trendy Houston bar equally hard to discern, and as it should come as no surprise, one side likes it that way! This game forges rivalries within many inner circles, roommate against roommate, one pays a mortgage and the other pays him rent; father against son, hey father can only pass on half his genes; boyfriend against girlfriend, look at least she’s hot; boss against employee, self explanatory. So come game day some will don the orange Lacoste while others the black or red, that is understood and goes without saying, but the real question for all will be whether to sport the brown or the black Gucci loafers? Regardless, here’s too a maze of puddles between your SUV’s and the stadium!

Check back to get The Levee’s Locks for 9/19, which should be available at some point tomorrow.

The Levee's Locks 9/12

2009-09-11T16:12:00.001-05:00

Gambling has taken a lot of heat over the years; it has reportedly broken fingers, legs, men, families and kept great ball players out of the hall of fame. But like the worlds oldest profession, gambling has stood the test of time. It has weathered years of hand -cuffing legislation while also enduring countless assaults from the “thou shalt not judge” perfect people crowd. For years it required a trip to the Nevada desert as one’s only chance to flip cards, roll dice or take a home dog. Note that did not read to take a dog home, lord knows you don't have to travel that far to accomplish that, just simply a reference to betting on the home team when they are the underdog, if that had you confused you might might to scurry along, JC Penny's is probably having a post-Labor Day sale this weekend or something. However things have changed and between the internet and the frat guy that never wants to fill out a W-2, the sports gaming side of things has become more common place in today’s society. Common place to the tune that some declare it is a multi-billion dollar a year underground thriving enterprise. Do you really think they print the spreads in the Shreveport Times everyday because the sports books in Vegas forgot what the number was on the USC v Ohio St. game? Of course not, they are printed so every 43 year old, 2nd team all district flanker, can peruse the lines, tap into his vast well of football knowledge and make some friendly wagers with said frat guy who is now pushing 40. Mr. Flanker can then roll around from cube to cube in his office talking about his weekends “action” and voice his fear of “the hook” (that’s a half point, Honey) on the Ball State game to his co-workers; claimging to have been screwed by the hook in last years Armed Forces Bowl. When really Mr. Flanker has $30 to win $27 riding on Texas because he went to Southwest Texas State and hung out in Austin on the weekends and he’s only heard of Ball State because he falls asleep to Letterman every night! With all that said, The Levee has seen the best and worst of both sides in this gambling game, much like you would expect from an inanimate object that is designed to keep a bad thing from reaching a good thing, but I digress. The Levee is rolling out The Levee’s Locks, a gamblers guide to staying in your window, praying for a blocked PAT, doubling up on the late PAC 10 game and learning how to do quick math with 3’s, 6’s and 7’s.

Rating system:
1 Trina – Like the game but wouldn’t put over the value of 1 Reggie Bush jersey on it.
2 Trinas – Like the game, worth at least 1 FEMA card, possibly 2.
3 Trinas – I’d grab every Reggie jersey in sight and crawl threw broken glass to do so.

9/12:

1 Trina:
LA Tech + 7 v Navy – Navy caught Ohio St. looking ahead to USC. Plus every Mr. Flanker will be on Navy.
Texas – 33.5 v Wyoming – Texas will cover one of these big lines and the Horns get very giddy when OU playmakers go down.
Georgia – 7.5 v South Carolina – South Carolina looked horrible against NC St. but still won and this game will tell you if UGA has any fire left in them after the beatdown in Stillwater.
Syracuse +28.5 v Penn St. – No doubt Penn State wins but over 4 touchdowns is a lot of points. Now that Cuse can actually eat up some clock on O.
Vandy + 15 v LSU – LSU wins but their D is really that spotty.

2 Trinas:
Notre Dame -3.5 v Michigan – Don’t think the extra practice will help the Wolverine’s here.
USC – 6.5 v. Ohio St. – USC has too much talent on D and will have Pryor running for his life.

3 Trinas:
TCU -11 v UVA - UVA lost to a D-II school last week. Al Groh might not survive the season. Plus prepy on prepy violence is amusing.

That’s all for this week, but be sure and check back to next week to be convinced of something we know little about.

Personal Financial Advice: Bob Stoops other Achilles Heel, after BCS games of course.

2009-09-09T11:28:00.004-05:00

Can someone remind Bob Stoops that he is a football coach and not a life coach? Although as of print time both could be in question. Turns out that not only did the Sooners get embarrassed in what was essentially a home game in Dallas over college footballs first weekend, but they got their Heisman winning QB tomahawked in the process. So now that is two, guaranteed 2009 NFL 1st rounder’s that OU has lost in a total of 1 football game. Jermaine Gresham, out for the season, was the #1 tight end on most draft boards after last season and would have been the first taken in the draft. Sam Bradford would have been the first overall pick by the Detroit Lions instead they had to go with the, newly guaranteed 28 million dollar, millionaire Matt Stafford. How do you say "I’d like to have that one back" in smoke signals?

Bob Stoops issued this gem back in January of ’09:

“They all want to take care of their parents, they want to be able to take care of their family,” Stoops said.
“The second and third round money you’re going to be able to take care of yourself and that’s about it. First round, you’re talking about taking care of yourself and some other people. They want to solidify those positions and be in as strong a position as they can be when they enter the draft.
“So, when you do it that way and you jump draft positions forward, you really make a more significant amount of money and you’re more experienced and prepared for that atmosphere. So they see the value in that, and I appreciate those guys.
“I also think our players recognize the opportunities we have as a program to pursue more championships and that’s something that means a lot to all of us.”
Players who stay in college for four years almost always improve their draft status, barring injuries.
“It’s a lot harder to cut a first-round pick,” Stoops said.

I agree with you coach it is hard to cut a first round pick, in fact when you’re not one, it’s impossible!

College is about preparing for a professional career, if a company or team is willing to pay for your services before you graduate or with elgibility remaining, you should be thankful that you blossomed ahead of your peers and jump at the opportunity. Let’s face it if Deloitte & Touche were offering accounting majors Ken Lay size signing bonuses and salaries after their junior years; they should be encouraged to take it.

The Levee is not denying the importance of a degree; just simply saying big ass yachts are a lot cooler.

It's here, the top five and their respective season analysis......enjoy!

2009-09-02T21:25:00.002-05:00

#6 - #20 updated on post below.

2009-09-02T09:20:00.000-05:00

dun dundundundun dundundundundundundundundunnnunununun... It's (1/5th of) The Final Countdown....dundundundun dundundundund

2009-08-25T16:18:00.015-05:00

Let the delusion begin, well actually that should read, Let the delusion continue! It’s getting very close to that most grand time of year when all the verbal bullying on team message boards will either be substantiated on the field, and chat room Nostradamus’s will be crowned and praised, or force ill informed posters to hide behind new handles until their team gives them reason to resurface. Is there really anything greater than the respect of keyboard jockeys the nation over having to be defended and affirmed by a bunch of 18-21 year olds who wouldn’t know SoonerBob from BeauxTigers or WolverIrene from T#15Teboner? Metallica said it best “Sad but true!” A wise coach once said (and he was wise because he managed to get fired yet stay on the schools payroll for years with some trumped up title)that every Saturday half the teams that play will loose. He also likened a big rivalry game to a bowl of your favorite ice cream and encouraged that it should be savored and enjoyed, which probably led to his unceremonious departure. But all this aside, he was on to something with his bold prediction of half winners and half losers every Saturday. He was clearly months ahead of the Rules Committee and their crazy new "overtime rule." But we digress. Ask yourself, would it really be fun to support a team, spend big money on tickets/travel/lodging/gear/emotionally driven bets as you walk into the stadium if you thought you were pulling for a loser? At the end of the day this ain’t the NFL and these kids chose to attend your respective school. Seriously how gratifying is to know that the 8th best in-state QB and an unranked 5' 8" WR chose to get a free ride and be treated like royalty at the same school you bled, sweated and cried to get in, stay in and hopefully get out of. This my friend is why College Football will forever rein supreme to sports fans and odds makers alike for the duration of time. Below you will find the AP preseason top 25, in increments of 5; the Levee will give an honest, un-researched preview as to why their fans will be toasting a great season or toasting the first basketball game against Athletes In Action. Feel free to disagree and then Google that particular teams chat room, create a witty anonymous handle and saddle up your keyboard for a surely insightful rebuttal to this nonsense.

AP Top 25

1. Florida - Tim Tebow can win connect four in three moves. Superman sleeps in Tim Tebow pajamas. Tim Tebow does not own nor know how to effectively motorboat. Tim Tebow won the Heisman and the Nicaraguan equivalent in the same year. The Gators won’t overlook an Ole Miss again this year; even Tebow’s teammates are tired of watching that speech on Youtube. Not much to be said about the juggernaut Meyer has going in Gainesville. Coach Meyer and the Gators will repeat, you heard it hear 5th. They will win and win and win a lot, beat Bama or LSU in the SEC Championship and cruise over to Pasadena and beat Texas in the BCS Championship game. Congratulations Gatornation, you’ve repeated but you still live in Florida and as far as possible from quality fishing.

2. Texas - The NCAA established scholarship limits because of one Darrell Royal. Back in the day Darrell would give scholarships to every Dick and Tom in the state of Texas just to keep them from going to A&M. Or maybe it was the all male military thing that kept the studs away from College Station, but I digress. But now Mack yellow teeth verging on Brown doesn’t have to play those games. His “you play at Texas, you are above the law” sales pitch is taking care of his personnel needs. So naturally the talent flows into Austin. BREAKING NEWS: Colt McCoy and Jordan Shipley like to fish together, someone tweet Brett Musburger, so he can remind us every Saturday for the next 16 weeks. Okay, back to my 40 acres and a mule. Memo to Texas fans: graduates, students, 7-11 graveyard shift workers and homeless guy on the Drag you all will be happy with the team Brown/Obama puts out on the 40 acres this season. With pain that can only be equated to a series of spinal taps, it breaches The Levee to tell you that your horns will be good and by good I mean play in the BCS Championship good. But you will loose. However, the arrogance and entitlement that you all seem to inherit while on campus, will be on show when you and your stepford wives host party after party over the holiday season in anticipation for the big game. Enjoy comparing Labradoddles you pompous invertebrates!

3. Oklahoma - To be sung to the tune of Indian Outlaw, by Tim McGraw:

I’m an Indian Quarterback,
Half Cherokee and Heisman,
My baby is a black jack dealer and she’s one of a kind.
The village chieftain wears a Visor,
He likes to bend the rules and then play dumb,
But the NCAA makes him walk the line.
He does it all the time.

Okay, that is getting tough. Deal is OU will be good, they return mucho NFL talent at a lot of positions. Why the likes of Sam Bradford and Jermaine Gresham would pass up guaranteed millions in the NFL, should tell you and the NCAA something, but apparently Rhett Bomar and Big Red Sport/Imports was a one time thing. Regardless the Sooners will win games, put up big numbers, stay in the top 5, but ultimately loose to Texas in Dallas. The good news Sooner fans, is you won’t loose in the BCS Championship game again, because you won’t be in it. But don’t go disturbing the Medicine Man; you will be in a BCS game. So grab your ponies and go study some cave drawings and please, for the sake of the Big XII, be prepared for simple sandlot plays, like the Statue of Liberty and the dreaded hook-n-lateral.

4. USC - You know what white horses are good for? Carnival pony rides or glue factories. Coach Carroll will trot out another who’s who group of college football players and The Hills extras in ’09, but like last year, no college experience at QB. Although Mitch Mustain sits on the 3rd team, after starting at Arky as a true freshman, great move leaving Mitch, was your mommy given permission to call plays at USC? But I digress. The prophylactics will usher out a true freshman to call the singles this season, in Matt Barkley. Look at his tips, tell me this guy wasn’t born to start at USC and coincidentally run into LC at the Laguna Surf Shop during filming. There’s no doubt that the skill players are in place, even with WR Ronald Johnson out 6-8 weeks. They have a stable of running backs and a bunch of former American Gladiators on defense. USC should win the PAC 10, there biggest test might be in week 2 when Ken doll QB gets his second career start in Columbus at the vaunted Horseshoe. Not sure if the size and scope of the Horseshoe and the hype of the game will get to him first or if seeing that many ugly people so concentrated in one place will. USC will be in a BCS Bowl, and it will be the Rose Bowl, unfortunately there will be another game at the Rose Bowl a few nights later to crown the BCS Champion and if any USC players are at this one, it will be to knock out some community service hours.

5. Alabama - Paging all 3 named Quarterbacks that can play above average, yet far from excellent, efficiently hand the ball off to a stud running back, throw jump balls to Julio Jones and also get tail anytime, anyplace. After a year that, whether the tide fans will admit it or not, exceeded expectations but was closed out with an embarrassing defeat to the Utes in a Crimson Tide friendly Sugar Bowl, Bama hopes to once again lean on their defense for another SEC Championship run. It took a mighty defensive effort and Jarrett Lee going color blind, for the Tide to escape Baton Rouge with an overtime victory. It was told to a Bama fan, from yours truly while leaving Tiger Stadium “Congratulations, y’all will handle Auburn and then not win another game.” This was said knowing that Florida was waiting in the SEC Championship and assuming they would get a harder foe than Utah in a BCS Bowl. Regardless it looks as if the Levee’s tarot card reader was money well spent. Saban, love him or hate him, has a good thing “rolling” in Tuscaloosa. Having just signed an extension that will pay him close to 4 mil/per through 2017 has him locked down unless a Tony Danza look-a-like world tour takes off. The talent is continuing to pour in and memories of the great hounds toothed one are beginning to seem more like a reality than the Dubose/Shula/Fran puppeteers. Bama will field if not the best; one of the top 5 defenses in the country and Julio Jones (WR) is as good as anyone else in the country. If the Tide can make it out of the SEC West, having LSU at home will help; they will more than likely have a rematch with Florida. Where every 3rd world child, that now has indoor plumbing, thanks to Tim Tebow, will sacrifice hundreds of pigs to the Pigskin Gods to ensure another Florida victory. Tide fans. hope you didn’t mess your hotel rooms up too bad in New Orleans last year, because the Levee has you back in the Sugar Bowl, possibly facing the Horny Toads of TCU.

6. Ohio State - Instead of scripting Ohio, how about scripting a win in a BCS Championship or even a BCS bowl game for that matter. The Buckeyes should be the odds on favorites to win the Big 10 this year, a late season trip to State College, PA will more than likely decide that outright. The Ohio St. gets USC at home in week two, now on paper USC has the edge, but at game time the Trojans will likely have a true Freshman QB making only his second career start and it coming at The Horseshoe, has to tip the hand to The Ohio St. The Terrelle Pryor will be fun to watch as he showed much versatility in their Fiesta Bowl loss to Texas. Not sure if or how many tatted and roided up white LB’s The Ohio St. plans to run out this year. But am sure The Horseshoe will be filled with buckeye jerseys over hoodies complemented with giant buckeye seed necklaces. Whatever on-field adversity The team and The fans face this year, they will all rest easier knowing that Michigan is reeling from their new found joy of self-mutilation.

7. Virginia Tech - After winning the regular season ACC Championship and then handling college football stalwarts Cincinnati in the Orange Bowl, the Hookies of Va. Tech have good reason to enter ’09 brimming with confidence. But with that also comes expectations. An early test, probably the best opening day game, against Alabama, will provide a good glimpse of what’s to come. It is admirable the way V Tech has traditionally scheduled at least one, sometimes two, non-cupcake nonconference games. They also have Nebraska in week 3. Granted this isn’t your granddads Neb team, but it’s not Louisiana Monroe either. Having Miami, BC and North Carolina in Blacksburg will be advantageous. There are a few difficult road games, at Georgia Tech and UVA, but those don’t come until mid-October and the last regular season game respectively. Outside of a derailing loss to a weaker team early (Georgia Tech), look for Beamer and his ballers to represent the Coastal division again in the ACC Conference Championship.

8. Mississippi - There has been a run on caviar and Johnny Walker Blue Label in Oxford this summer in anticipation for the Rebels upcoming season. A season that has probably not been as hyped since the NAACP successfully fought to have the confederate flag banished from David Duke Memorial Stadium. The Rebels are coming of a stellar year that included an improbable win over Florida in the Swamp and concluded with the wood shedding of the 11-1 Texas Tech Red Raiders in the Cotton Bowl. If Snead can avoid the costly INT, like the few he heaved while backing up Colt McCoy, the Rebels should offer a balanced and affective offensive attack. Will Houston(s) Nutt(s) have Ole Missy hollering for more buttered grits? We shall see….

9. Oklahoma State - If victories could be bought Oklahoma State would be awarded the Waterford Crystal National Champion trophy today, unfortunately wins can’t be bought, yet. But on the bright side, players still can be and that has Ok. Lite chalked full of hand Pickened playmakers. The Pokes will be rolling out one of the best trios of skilled guys in the country with Zack Robinson, Kendall Hunter and Dez Bryant. These 3 guys have three things in common, none could find Stillwater OK. on a map going into their senior year in high school, all will take pay cuts at the next level and all can do pretty special things with the ball in their hands. A week 1 show down with Georgia will do one of two things, substantiate the hype and create a lot of momentum or completely take the air out of their wind farm. It should be known however that no amount of wind will effect the coaching staff.

10. Penn State - Things hope to only get happier in Happy Valley and it’s not because they have come out with a sporty sideline version of depends. Penn St. looks to take advantage of a down Big 10 as well this year. Penn St. has won 2 of the last 4 Big 10 Conference Championships and returns 10 starters in Joe Paterno’s 44th year as head coach and 60th year with the Penn St. football program. And one can only imagine that the taco-storm created by Coach Rodriguez over in Ann Arbor isn’t dampening spirits either.

11. LSU - You can’t spell delusional without LSU. And once again the Bayou Bengals fans are up for the challenge to outdo their blind ignorance once again. From Harvard to LSU and back to Harvard, sounds like an Acorn recruiting trip, but really it is the plight of clearly secure in his decisions QB Andrew Hatch. Perhaps when he was named ’08 starting QB and Dean of the Business School upon his arrival in Baton Rouge was more then Andy could handle. Fast forward past the Jarrett Lee experiment, an experiment to see how quickly his offense could turn their minds to defenders and chase DB’s on their way to pay dirt, and we have Jordan Jefferson an athletic QB that really came on late in the season. That coupled with the insertion of many highly touted recruits, including Russell Sheppard, Craig Loston and Rueben Randle the Tigers look to avenge last years disappointing season (in the minds of Tiger fans) and make a serious run at not only an SEC championship but also another National Championship. It really couldn’t happen to a better coach and fan base.

12. Cal - There are still a few obstructed view seats available in the tree houses atop the giant sequoias surrounding Cal Memorial Stadium. They are currently going for two hacky-sacks and one authentic dream catcher. Hippies and football have never got along, except at Cal Berkley over the past decade or so. Coach Jeff Tedford has built a much respected program and sans USC looks to be the next best Pac 10 team. With some luck and an occasional trombonist trampling the Bears could be primed to challenge for the conference championship. Now if they could just incorporate a deodorant drive at some of their home games, we would all be better off.

13. Georgia - Matt Stafford’s baby face and newly very adult size bank account will no longer be barking signals between the hedges at Sanford Stadium, but there will still be plenty of baby faces and adult size bank accounts in the stands, and that’s just the Greek block. The Dawgs also lost Knowshon Moreno to “greener” pastures. Coach Richt is looking at 5th yr Sr. Joe Cox to fill the Stafford void, but with wide out AJ Green, his transition from clipboard to pigskin will be a bit easier. An intriguing opening game against the Ok. State Cowboys will give UGA a great idea of what they can expect from themselves and a good warm-up to an always daunting SEC run. Fortunately they get LSU at home and then Florida at the world’s largest cocktail party, which should determine the SEC East champion and keep the Duval County Jail very busy.

14. Boise State - Are there any trick plays left? Outside of the fumbleruski or the Texas special I think the Broncos emptied the basket against OU a few years back, and with unheralded success. Outside of the “not made for HD” blue turf and their willingness to play on Tuesday afternoons, Boise State has put together one of the more impressive runs in the past decade of college football. Coach Peterson likes what he saw from his defense this spring and it will be tested right out of the blocks with a Thursday night match-up against Oregon’s Ducks. Looking at the Bronco’s schedule, the travel might begin to wear on them at some point; they play games in Hawaii, California, Utah, Oklahoma, Ohio and Louisiana.

15. Georgia Tech - The rambling wreck and Coach Paul Johnson look to put the dismantling job put on them by LSU in the Chick-fil-A-bowl in the rear view mirror and draw upon some of the positives from ‘08 coming into ’09. The most exciting has to be the return of ACC reigning player of the year, RB Jonathan Dwyer. The Tech running back averaged ~108 yards per game on the ground last year in Johnsons run first based offense. They look to mix in some more passing plays this year which could open it up even more for Dwyer. Tech has two SEC opponents on the docket this year and at worst will be 1-1 in the two but could easily be 2-0.

16. Oregon - Nike University should win a lot of ball games and look hideous in the process. Much like our current government is trying to do to us; Phil Knight has got Oregon by the tail feathers, he gives them all they think they need, when in reality he is clipping their wings rendering them completely dependent. A rare but intriguing opening weekend match-up with Boise St. should tell a lot about the rest of their season and how this years KB crop is coming in. It will be interesting to see how many of the possible 384 uniform combinations the Ducks dawn this season.

17. TCU - BCS Busters, will we here that again for the next 16 weeks. Probably so, the toads should keep form and roll out another solid defense. And as we all know, if you score you may win, but if they never score you will never loose. Opening at UVA (9/12) and then back to the East Coast two weeks later to the real Death Valley to tango with Clemson is some gutsy scheduling, but Patterson knows to get a seat at the years end table you’ve got to beat some big foes on the road.

18. Florida State - The Noles have weathered many a storm of late, from rampant academic fraud to QB’s that just can’t help but break the law. Now whether or not the highly touted new crop of players live up to their billing is anyone’s guess, but it is a safe bet that the fans will be openly exposing their Nole pride! Thank goodness, Tommy got that axe at Clemson, no more having to see Mrs. Bobby B in that hideous half garnet half hunters orange jersey. With the surge of South Florida and Miami looking to be headed back to the top in a hurry, the Noles are in jeopardy of becoming the 4th team in the Sunshine state.

19. Utah - Remove the Jim McMahon line from below and the rest all applies here as well. Coming off a program changing victory over the Crimson Tide in last years Sugar Bowl has got to give the Ute’s a ton of momentum and excitement coming in to this season.

20. BYU - It’s still a mystery how Jim McMahon ended up at Bring Your special Undies. Either way the cross breeding of 23-25 year old lily white Mormons and huka dancing Pacific islanders has year in and year out resulted in competitive teams. Other than that, all I know is they will probably have a gun-slinging QB and some “deceptively” fast DB’s.

21. North Carolina – This is one team that the Levee feels like should be higher and thinks that as the season progresses they will march up the polls, or down whichever way you prefer to visualize their ranking getting better. Butch Davis was a great hire, he’s recruiting lights out and they are doing this at a Basketball school. See Kansas as well, maybe elite athletes like to be around other elite athletes. Well maybe not Duke, or does Lacrosse count?

22. Iowa – For the hype and more importantly the money and contract extensions they keep giving Coach Ferentz, one would hope and expect much, much more. He is one of the top 10 highest paid coaches in college football, at $3.1 mil a year, with 2 Outback, 1 Alamo and 1 Capitol One championships to sing about. All that said they should take advantage of a way down Big 10 plus 1 conference this year. I know I’ll be on the edge of my seat to see how it plays out.

23. Notre Dame – Why? 3-9 in ’07, 6-6 in ’08 with an end of the season loss to Syracuse! But that was avenged with a whipping of Hawaii in the Hawaii Bowl. I guess it was because Jimmy Clausen finally felt like he fit in.

24. Nebraska – The Bo Pelini project enters year 2 and while expectations have climbed, season ticket sales have remained stagnate. He comes with a wealth of experience from time spent in the SEC at LSU; unfortunately he couldn’t bring the players or loose entrance requirements with him. Still a year or two away from re-claiming supremacy in the Big XII North, they should start to challenge this year.

25. Kansas – Very adequate QB returning in a system he has proven he can make work and, like UNC, they have started recruiting better, regardless of fears of authoritative cannibalism. KU should be the next to represent the Big XII North in the Championship game and lay down to whichever juggernaut the Big XII South rolls out. Someone alert San Antonio to start making extra enchiladas now for when Coach Mangino and team arrive for the Alamo Bowl.

Look for the next 5 teams to be haphazardly analyzed in the coming days.

If anyone's got an extra clue, the Pres sure could use it.

2009-08-24T14:01:00.004-05:00

This guy just doesn’t get it. First he is equal parts black to white, was raised by a white mother and an even whiter grandmother, yet he proudly carries the title of first African American President. To be honest this should have the African Americans more upset than anyone else, but apparently not. Had he not come out with kinky hair, would he be just another multi-cultural politician that doesn’t mind a little junk in the trunk? Then in ’95 he pens the memoir “Dreams of My Father” now having not read the book we should steer clear and we will of the content, but having read the title, that’s fair game. From the title we will surmise this book has something to do with his father……….a man he met twice in his entire life! This is the equivalent of the Levee scripting a book on strategies for game planning and success in Water Polo. Well, we are strong swimmers and have a handful of Polo’s; doesn’t that make us the authority? The latest is just a case of brain fog coupled with a serious case of what we like to call Untouchableitis. A serious sometimes debilitating syndrome that usually is brought on by being the first to reach particular heights and having throngs of followers that see no chinks in your armor and hang on your every teleprompted word. So this weekend amid the country’s ever increasing economic woes and while we are waging war in two separate theatres the first family decided they needed a week at a 28 acre private retreat on Martha’s Vineyard. To the tune of $35,000.00 a week. First off don’t you have to accrue vacation time at most new jobs? Secondly how many of the currently ~11% unemployed probably maxed out around $35,000.00/year and are now seeing the un-chosen one spend that on 1 week of vacation. Was the 3 weeks in Europe not good enough? Shouldn’t the girls be in school? How do you follow up a private island vacation, send them to the moon for spring break? And does that dog have cataracts or something? Thought for sure he would've high tailed it by now.

Children of The Levee

2009-08-18T13:32:00.002-05:00

These days when a baby is born, see’s daylight and an Asian or East Indian doctor for the first time, they are accompanied with a bunch of stuff, unfortunately none of it containing an instruction manual. In most cases that leaves mom and dad to do what they think is best, in some cases that leaves mom trying to find a dad, either way no one has ever claimed raising a child is easy. But there are some basics that should be implored universally and while it won’t guarantee an Eagle Scout, Homecoming Queen or Valedictorian, you can bet it will ensure that your kid isn’t that “he/she needs a good ass kicking” kid. We all know a few of those.

The Levee’s top 10 child rearing pointers:

*Teach politeness early and often. A yes mam and no sir still and will go a very long way.
*Allowance should be earned, not assumed.
*Every boy should know how to mow a yard, this includes edging and sweeping.
*Every girl should at least learn a few things about how a kitchen works.
*Both should be able to do a load of laundry on demand.
*Teach them how to iron, nothing fancy, but something other than hanging it in the shower for 45 minutes.
*Your child should not be your best friend. They will/should make plenty in school.
*No should be used as often as Yes. And No’s should be non-negotiable.
*Hold your children accountable. You bail them out once, welcome to the rest of your life.
*Teach and demand respect, to get it you have to give it.

Follow these 10 simple tips and who knows, maybe one day your child will be writing a semi-entertaining blog.

Not offered without comment...

2009-07-29T15:41:00.003-05:00

Sometimes it would be nice to offer things without comment, but that’s what scrapbooking is for.

Separation of Church and State has sparked wars, been debated, been taught, philosophized about, been interpreted, been over-turned and also upheld since the beginning of civilization.

* Since adding it in 1954, countless groups have been trying to get “under God” removed from the Pledge of Allegiance.

* In Alabama they required a monument of the Ten Commandments be removed from their State Judicial building.

In fact our own President has waded into this murky pond once or twice before, problem is he’s been wading on both sides of the pond

Example 1) Toe the company line.

Example 2) Piss on the company line.

Extra Extra, you probably didn't read all about it.

2009-07-28T12:31:00.002-05:00

And as promised, here’s some college football for you. These are some of the “not so” headlines that might have made your local gazettes 5th or 6th page in the sports section. None of these stories should affect any actual games, but none the less they are all true and, well, entertaining in some capacity.

Notre Dame – A group of former golden domers and one slobbering ex-coach took on Team Japan recently. In football, and even more surprising…..they won! Not so much the who, when and where, those answers are all provided, But WHAT and WHY???? What’s next is Notre Dame going to invite a pro-abortion politician to speak at graduation?

SEC/Florida – Media days in the SEC is a cross between Cirque Du Soleil and the first round of American Idol tryouts, on one hand you have immense talent and ability and on the other you have communities and individuals with backwards priorities, unrealistic expectations and a warped since of reality. Sit back and enjoy the train wreck. So the clouds part and Tim Tebow descends to sitteth at the right hand of Urban Meyer. Things are going as normal as one would expect, knowing that it is SEC media days, and then a question comes from the back asking Tim, considering his rock star status on the Gainesville campus, if he has been able to resist temptation and maintain his Jessica Simpson pre-Nick Lachey status. You could’ve heard a microscopic camera drop out of a small hole drilled in an adjoining hotel room wall, when he finished asking the question. But Tim being Tim, he grinned and let the world know, that yes he has and that he still fully intends to wait. Good for you Tim, shame on the idiot that would ask a college student/athlete this kind of question.

SEC/South Carolina - Then there was Steve Spurrier, who was the only coach not to have Tim Tebow as the pre-season SEC 1st Team QB going into the season. He claims it was an oversight by a staffer, but we think maybe the fellow/former Gator QB and Heisman trophy winner does stuff like this all the time to carve out just a small space in the head of his opponents. He has had some classic quotes in the past like:
* When asked about how he felt being in "Big Orange" country by Tennessee reporters, Spurrier replied: "I thought this was Vanderbilt country."
* Questioned the abilities of Head Coach Phillip Fulmer of Tennessee "You can't spell Citrus without UT" and former Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning "I know why Peyton came back for his senior year: he wanted to be a three-time Citrus Bowl MVP"
* Spurrier Poked fun at a fire that burned 20 books at an Auburn University football dorm, saying “But the real tragedy was the 15 hadn’t been colored yet!”
* After a blowout win over Kentucky in 1996: "These sort of games don't prove very much. All it proves is we're better then Kentucky."
And many more zingers.

Texas A&M – As if 4-8 weren’t bad enough, the Ags recently had their football complex and locker rooms broken into. Turns out the perp was more than likely a disgruntled former team member. No charges were filled; I guess they figured the shame of loosing to Arkansas St. was punishment enough. Note to remaining team members: Yes we want that ass-whipping mentality back, but more the, I’m going to rip your lips off and talk shit to you with your own mouth, versus, I’m going to sneak in under the cover of dark and sprinkle protein powder around a locker room floor! COME ON!!

North Dakota State – 4 DUI’s and 2 possessions w/ intent to sell in 6 months for the Bison football team, no wonder they almost became extinct. According to NDSU Student Orientation Director, Laura Oster-Aaland, North Dakota leads the country in binge drinking at all ages. With players and fans like that, game day must rock!

Tennessee – The Vols have had a rash of summer injuries, including 4 impact offensive players that will have to miss part or all of the upcoming season. Coach Lane Kiffin wanted to visit with the newest strength and conditioning coach to make sure it wasn’t a result of overtraining. He was assured it wasn’t but, this could clearly be karma and a direct result of Coach Kiffin’s recent over-talking instead.

There will be much more college football talk in the near future. Whether it be legit newsworthy stories or the highlighting of poor decision making by young college athletes or coaches. You can bet you’ll get an unfair and biased opinion here at the levee.

Princeton Reviewed and Princeton still a loser.

2009-07-27T13:11:00.004-05:00

The Princeton Review has once again released its list of “top ________ college”.

BYU – Soberest student body – Polygamy is tough enough, booze would only blur an already blurry practice.
Notre Dame – Every student is involved in intramural athletics - Too bad the football team isn’t.
George Washington – Most politically active students – Kind of goes without saying, doesn’t it?
New York University – Gay Community most accepted – San Francisco Art Institute is demanding a re-count.
Texas A&M – Most conservative student body – Banner year for TAMU continues, Golf Nat’l Champs, Men and Women Track Nat’l Champs. Track teams must have been at a meet when survey was performed.
Warren Wilson College – Most liberal student body – Students must work on campus to graduate, I thought liberals didn’t like to work?
West Point – Most accessible Profs – Making sure the concept of shot-to-kill is understood is pretty important. I hope they don’t need many tutors up there.
Penn State – Hardest partying student body – How does the Big 10 claim this every year? Long winters and fat chicks, sounds like a rocking party to me! You’ll notice they head south very quickly in their poll.
Brown University – Happiest students – Apparently it fades after graduating in some alumni.
Pomona College – Best classroom experience – Whit an average SAT of 1460 and ACT of 32, I suppose the classroom might be fun for them.

If your respective school didn’t make the list, there are many ways you can directly impact next year’s results. To start you could…..Put down the beer, pick up more beer, register to vote, vote straight ticket Democrat or straight ticket Republican, come out of the closet, harass those as they come out of the closet, annoy your profs daily, smile and giggle throughout the entire lecture, or study hard in high school and go to Pomona College.

Birds of a feather, or of a crow, do what again?

2009-07-24T14:38:00.004-05:00

It would be easy to jump on the topic of College Football right now with all the media days from the various conferences either currently or preparing to be held, but here on the levee we take pride in not falling in line. There will be plenty of that to come, fear not, but at this juncture it seems appropriate to aim the cross hairs at our elected walking lobotomies and the regularity of their elementary decision/comments.

Let’s start at the top and work down from there. Like they say, the manure always rolls down hill. Somewhere I think they had Capitol Hill in mind when that was coined. But I digress.

President Barry O decided to use his bully pulpit during the latest installment of “Presidents say the darndest things” to waver off the topic of French health care and address the Cambridge Mass. incident that involved a long time Harvard prof friend and his subsequent arrest for disorderly conduct. Very professional Mr. Pres to weigh in on a simple civil matter when 1) you self-admittedly know nothing of the circumstances 2) have a proven relationship with the defendant, but that has never been an issue now has it (see Rev. Wright and Bill Ayers). It was a clear example of your community organizer roots getting the better of you, but hey if the dog pees inside for 8 years why should we expect him to ask for a dogie door for his 9th birthday. Barry O was asked about this case where Cambridge PD was called to a house by a neighbor reporting that two men were ramming their shoulders into a front door of a residence that was not theirs. The responding officer knocked on the door and was met by Prof. Gates, Harvard African-American Studies Professor, who happened to be occupying the home on loan from the Rice University of the North. One thing led to another and the Prof became belligerent accusing the officer of being “one of those racist cops" and ordered him to leave the property. This went on and on in front of a growing mass of fellow officers and passers by. The prof made the guaranteed one way ticket to the clink comment saying “you don’t know who you’re messing with and I’m going to have your job.” Lets’ be honest we’ve all thought about saying that and some might have even tried, but we all know where it gets you. The officer had enough and decided to take the Prof in for disorderly conduct. So fast forward to the presser planned and scheduled by the Pres himself, seriously how pathetic is it when you have to plan your own “hey look and talk to me party.” When asked about the incident, by apparently some reporter in perfect health who could’ve cared less about some new health care system, Barry O referred to the officer’s actions as “stupid” and went on to say that as a country we have had a historical pattern of racial profiling. First, acknowledging and then responding to that sort of question was the more stupid of the two events. Second, sure wish we would have been doing a little more racial profiling the morning of Sep 11, 2001. Do you really think we aren’t profiled in other countries? Why then are the girls in Ciudad Town of Boys, Mexico sitting with you and not your cab driver? Seriously think about it.

As the levee pointed out a few weeks back while tracking the Dow and it’s response to Jacko’s memorial, one Sheila Jackson Lee of Houston was in attendance and used MJ’s coffin as a soap box to drive her own agenda. Well it has come to light that, while many in Houston mourned the lose of The King of Pop, that was clearly not the business those from her gerrymandered district had in mind, when being bussed to voting stations by Acorn, to cast their X for her in the last election. Turns out she was asked about how her LA trip was funded and this was the dialogue that ensued between SJL and some Wayne Dolcefino in training.

"Who paid for that trip for you to go to that memorial service?" reporter Joel Eisenbaum asked Jackson Lee when she appeared live on the Sunday morning newscast.
"Well, uh ... that ummm ... those resources are resources that I have and, therefore, they are in a way that does not interfere with anything that has to do with serving the United States Congress," answered Jackson Lee.
"Understood," Eisenbaum replied. "So, public funds?"
"Those resources are resources that I have," said Jackson Lee.

You might wonder about the District she reps, well here it is, Texas Congressional District 18, I wonder why they left out that big chunk in the middle? I’m no Census aficionado, but I used to trick or treat a lot, and I would be willing to bet that SJL and those in the “white hole” don’t see eye to eye on most social issues. Feel free to draw your own conclusion.

Folks, here at the levee we are not above reproach, I tried to run over a cat the other day and am willing to admit that, please judge away. We just like to point out the fleecing of our country that seems to be happening right under our very noses from time to time.

The Dow of MJ.

2009-07-07T19:55:00.002-05:00

They say that in a time of anguish, those in grief, should try to carry on as normal as possible, with the hope that a sense normalcy will allow ones mind to be free of the crisis at hand. Seeing on TV today, obviously heeding such advice and maintaining a sense of normalcy, all of Harlem and much of the world for that matter had taken the day off to watch Michael Jackson’s memorial. So I did the only thing I knew to do and decided to conduct an interactive critical analysis of the Dow Jones Industrial Average (DJI) and the fluctuations based on whom was speaking/eulogizing/singing/campaigning/reverse racism preaching etc…. This will not include every person who spoke; I found that if I hadn’t heard of them, than the stock traders in NY wouldn’t have either; thus having no real bearing on the market.

Berry Gordy – Founder of Motown Records was when the experiment began.
At this point the DJI was down/off 88 points (-88) for the day from an opening number of 8,325. The larger the number in ( ) the lower the market is going. That makes our starting total 8,237. If you can’t follow that don’t worry, actually be afraid, very afraid. For your future isn’t bright.

Kobe Bryant and Magic Johnson – Two Laker greats, one has it all, the other wants it all minus 1 thing.
Beginning – DJI @ 8,237 (-88 points)
* Kobe reading from teleprompter at a funeral, traders aren’t impressed (-89)
* Magic takes over, traders think this guy is invincible, they’re right (-87then-86)
* Magic makes KFC and Michael Jackson joke in same sentence, uh oh (-89)
* Magic does what he does best, saves the speech and gets back to even (-88)

Rev. Al Sharpton – The man needs no introduction, in fact he usually doesn’t need an invitation.
Beginning – DJI @ 8,237 (-88 points)
* Rev. comes out screaming, traders don’t like loud noises from posers (-89)
* Rev. continues to scream, traders have seen this act and are unimpressed (-90)
* Rev. mentions the other Rev (Jesse J.), traders are confused (-91)
* Rev. tries to start a single phrase chant, traders say “he’s no Dr. King” (-92)

John Mayer – Band nerd in High School that wants to scream “look at me now to all the jocks, but still a bit scared, so he got a tattoo, learned guitar and goes through Hollywood starlets like fingers through single ply.
Beginning – DJI @ 8,233 (-92 points)
* JM has it going on, traders can identify with the nerd in him (-91)
* JM is jamming, traders still thinking about Anniston and J. Simpson (-89)
* JM bust into bluesy solo, fingers so fast, traders finally identify with JM (-81)

Brooke Shields – She and MJ both shared in the pain of childhood stardom and post-partum.
Beginning – DJI @ 8,244 (-81 points)
* BS looked great, traders remembering Blue Lagoon (-79)
* BS showed first real emotion, traders hate to see pretty girls cry (-78)
* BS tells story of Elizabeth Taylor’s wedding, traders unsure which time (-80)
* BS says the name Blanket aloud, traders confused (-82)

Jermaine Jackson – Older brother of MJ, and looks like Max Headroom’s black counterpart.
Beginning – DJI 8,243 (-82 points)
* JJ grabs mic with one sequined glove, traders know it’s a gardening glove (-89)
* Traders no respect for any of the 4, of the 5, who couldn’t hack it (-92)
* JJ was wearing a blue tooth at on point, traders know it’s deactivated (-95)

MLK III and Sister – No introduction necessary for these two. Market dipped another -19 points as they were making their way to the stage, presumably still reeling from the Jermaine experience.
Beginning – DJI 8,211 (-114 points)
* Not sure why, the Kings all seem like great people, but the traders were having none of it, I blame Sharpton for stealing their thunder. Market goes down (-118) but rebounds to break even at (-114) for their efforts.

Congresswomen Sheila Jackson Lee – (D-TX) House of Representatives, Houston Area!! Also the first vice-chairwoman of the Congressional Black Caucus.
Beginning – DJI 8,211 (-114 points)
* Apparently the traders didn’t like her using the memorial as a political stump and rewarded her with a large swing, down. (-125)
* Introducing a Bill into Congress declaring MJ to be recognized as a humanitarian and musical icon didn’t sit well with them either. (- 133)
* Referring to MJ as “The King”, obviously trying to stir the Elvis pot, didn’t bode well either. (-146)

Usher – The singer/dancer, many say this generations MJ.
Beginning – DJI 8,179 (-146 points)
* Sheila’s damage was too much even for Usher to overcome; traders liked and rewarded his effort and raw emotion. (-135)

Old Clips of the Jackson 5.
Beginning – DJI 8,190 (-135 points)
* Traders didn’t think much, confused on who the little black kid was. (-135)

Smokey Robinson – MJ’s hero and Motown’s first star. Might have same rare white turning skin disease as MJ.
Beginning – DJI 8,190 (-135 points)
* Smokey was cool, calm and funny, traders like that in an old black man (-131)

Shaheen Jafargholi – Britain’s Got Talent finalist, who MJ had asked to perform with him on this tour that was not to be. Sorry no warm milk Shaheen.
Beginning – DJI 8,194 (-131 points)
* Traders not sure if this was an old plaintiff or what. (-137)
* Kid had some pipes, and then was properly introduced, traders relieved. (-127)

Finale – We are the world and more family speeches.
Beginning – DJI 8,198 (-127 points)
* Traders nor viewers recognize a single person on stage singing, traders are pissed (-143)
* Still no-one knows who any of these imposters are, traders have had it (-145)
* But then, as if this wasn’t actually going to happen, all the performers, speakers and family spill onto the stage, traders pleased but possibly put out a bit (-137)
* Rev. J. Jackson and Rev. A. Sharpton shoulder to shoulder and Sharpton gets caught watching himself on TV and then decides to start waving his arms above his head. Traders back to pissed again. (-140)
* Lots of footage of MJ’s children singing, but singing a song that wasn’t “We are The World”, traders having mixed emotions. (-143)
* Jermaine gets the mic again and claims he was “MJ’s voice”, traders worn out by this attention whore. (-145)
* MJ’s daughter, Paris speaks in public for the first time and shows real emotion, traders and viewers appreciate that. (-140)

That’s a wrap; the Dow Jones Industrial Average was at 8,185 at the end of the Memorial. A 140 point loss (-140) during the broadcast. There are many hypotheses and summations that can be drawn from this data. Remember neither the numbers nor market lie. If we would listen, the market will always tell us what it wants/needs/demands. Below are some points of analysis that might make one turn a few lighter shades of brown.

- The market see’s no need in shutting down two LA freeways for a pop stars motorcade.
- The markets appreciates real talent old or new, see Smokey Robinson and Usher.
- The market wonders why a $25,000.00 coffin is necessary.
- The market worries about how the over $880,000.00 in pre-sold tickets for a concert, that obviously won’t be happening, is going to impact consumer spending.
- The market doesn’t take handouts, doesn’t need handouts, doesn’t like handouts and especially doesn’t like those that encourage/create/approve handouts see Rev. Sharpton and Congresswomen Sheila Jackson Lee.
- The market is over Brooke Shields, but the traders can’t get Blue Lagoon out of their minds.
- The market wanted 3 things, in no particular order, and got none:
1) Elizabeth Taylor
2) Bubbles
3) Justin Timberlake

Pretty sure only 2 of the 3 were possible, apparently Elizabeth has been accepted into an Ex-Hollywood Vixen Sanctuary in South Alabama, you can keep hot food on her plate for only $0.17 a day, but I digress.

Interpret the numbers as you may, this is just one opinion formed from the meticulously collected data, and again the market doesn’t lie, cheat or steal, but it seems to reward those that do!

Big XII Football Preview - the good the bad and Iowa State.

2009-07-01T13:40:00.006-05:00

North:

Kansas – If they can just survive two-a-days, you can’t dangle that much muscle and meat in front of Mangino before he snaps and fulfills his internet prophecy. I think one practice a day would be safer, especially for the linemen, all that marbling they got going on. Reality is in a weak north, with a returning starter at QB in Todd Reesing who is 20-6 in his career; KU should be the favorite to represent the north in the Big XII title game.

Kansas State – The Wildcats in a move that some consider odd, have enticed Bill Snyder away from The Villages, you know Florida’s friendliest hometown, to give the coaching thing another shot. Not to say it’s a bad idea, he did lie, cheat and steal that program into 10-12 years of relevance, but he had some good assistants that time around. Guys like Bob Stoops, Mike Stoops, Jim Leavitt, Brett Bielema and Mark Mangino. So that’s were big game Bob learned his evil ways. Reality is the Manhattan Kansas Luby’s just picked up two more regulars in the Snyders, and the only big replacement on the team is QB Josh Freeman. As of print time Carson Coffman was penciled in to replace the NFL bound Freeman. And we all know if Coffman doesn’t work out, the Texas High School for the Slow *but athletic probably has some no name QB on the raise, I say no name, b/c he can’t remember his name either.

Iowa State – Lot’s of change in Ames over the past 12 months. The head coach, that used to be the DC at Auburn, returns to Auburn to be head coach and is replaced by the most recently let go DC from Auburn. Summary: Auburns defense is a bastard and Saban has them very scared. Reality is Iowa State has a powerhouse wrestling team year in and year out. Oh and the nation’s longest road losing streak, 17 games. Please don’t break that on Halloween in College Station.

Missouri – Chase Daniel and his buggers have left town, unfortunately we won’t be able to sit down for a Mizzou game anymore and watch 3 quarters of the Daniel family in the stands. Reality is Daniel, Jeremy Maclin and a host of others have departed Columbia, leaving some big holes to fill for Gary Pinkel and crew with only 9 returning starters. Pinkel did shore up a multi-year multi-million dollar deal based off the success of the stubby legged Chase Daniel, do you think he’ll share any of that when the undrafted Daniel gets cut by the Redskins and goes back to Southlake working at Edward Jones?

Nebraska – I was really hoping Neb would jump on board with K-State and bring Osborne back to the sidelines, but Tom’s not dumb he knows Tommie Frazier ain’t walking through that door anytime soon, plus he’s a congressman, so basically he’s getting paid to be retired, boy that must be nice. Thanks baby boomers, thanks for nothing. Reality is it’s year two of the Bo Pellini era, he has done what was expected in tightening up the defense, the blackshirts aren’t completely back, but they are a far cry from the pink popped collar Polo shirts they were the several years before his arrival.

Colorado – Memo to Buff fans the Football season is about 2 months away. And then you get about two months of it before the lifts open. Now I know some of you are hardcore and don’t need no stinking lifts, and will skin up the back country early, but for the rest of you transplants that thought Boulder would be a totally rad place to live in and go to college in, at least show up to games, you’ve got one of the greatest stadiums in the country, an exciting young RB, a coach that loves to yell (especially at his shot put throwing QB son) and it’s always cold so bringing in booze in the parka shouldn’t ever be a problem. Leave the lasers at home and try not to have an entire section ejected this year, that wasn’t cool it was embarrassing. Reality is that Darrell Scott is a great young RB, and finally this year the O-line is healthy going into two-a-days.

South:

Oklahoma State – T. Boone Pickens stadium is complete and is a real piece of eye candy. Problem is Pickens Plan didn’t really catch on as expected. The wind farm in the Texas Panhandle is still on paper and in dreams. Rumors circulated that his $165 million dollar donation was tied directly to his hedge fund which was tied to the wind farm, and we all know how that probably worked out. So when Boone Pickens Stadium looks half full every other Saturday it might be because half of the seats are PVC and card board facades. And like good soldiers the OSU administration will publically call out Poke fans for not filling the new stadium, all in an effort to save face with Oklahoma A&M’s only famous and successful alumnus. Reality is expectations have never been higher for coach Stalagmite and all the returning playmakers he lied too. If Zac Robinson has healed from the beat down he took from Oregon in the Holiday Bowl, he should have a good year throwing to phenom and Texas A&M lock Dez Bryant.

Oklahoma – If it’s true that certain parts of the body continue to grow as men get older, ears, nose etc. then Bob Stoops huevos are about the size of cantaloupes heading into the ’09 season. Problem is his confidence and successes in big games are conversely the size of corn kernels. With the sting of the very hard and mean slap on the wrist from the NCAA, over the Rhett Bomar being blatantly paid by boosters, now completely over with, the Sooners can put the past behind them and begin learning to defend every trick play ever scratched in the dirt of every sandlot/trailer park in Oklahoma. Reality is Stoops got a stroke of good peyote mumbo jumbo from the medicine man when his Heisman Trophy winning QB decided to pass up $15 million guaranteed in the draft and return to OU. Bradford returns along with a host of other NFL caliber talent to field what will once again be a team that has BCS championship aspirations. That second weekend in Oct. in Dallas will tell the tale as far as the south goes. Sounds like a great weekend to get married in Houston!

Baylor – I hear they use real flakes of fools’ gold in the paint for the BU helmets. Some Baylor Line girl told me that when I complemented her turtle neck under her jersey at a game last August. We spent the second half talking about dancing and other perverse topics, including BU’s football legacy. Art Briles has done a heck of a job in Waco; they haven’t pulled in talent like this to Waco since Dave K. opened that summer camp out in the Waco country side a few years back. What a loyal group that was, sticking with their commitments, those kinds are hard to find these days and an even harder kind to get to leave their camp cabins. Reality is Briles has one of the Big XII’s best young talents in Robert Griffin on campus; he personally accounted for most of their wins last year and kept them competitive when they should not have been. Are Baptist allowed to bowl?

Texas Tech – Questions abound in Lubbock heading into 2009, unfortunately most of the people there aren’t good at answering questions. How to replace a two year douche and Arena Football bound Graham Harrell or college great, NFL mediocre Michael Crabtree. One thing is for certain, there will be 5-6 little white guys doing the 5 man weave up and down the field on every offensive play again this year. What “system QB” will Capt. Vince Gill double chin plug in this year is anyone’s guess, that’ what they do best in Lubbock, just guess. Reality is the Red Raiders are coming off of the best season in the history of that program and they were rewarded with a 3-way share of the divisional conference championship (T-shirts were made) and a once in a lifetime, eye opening, dreams coming true, trip to Dallas to play in the Cotton Bowl. Where they were embarrassed by a middle of the road SEC team. New QB, team’s hangover from what could have been last year, coaches daily hangovers, it could be more than the techsters are able to handle. Still put money on them holding serve against the Aggies on the high plains this year. It is their superbowl.

Texas – In Austin they don’t re-build, they re-load. Why build a new bong when the old one works just fine. Just re-load it. Regardless of off the field issues, Sergio Kindle once again proving that he is a threat to QB’s, pedestrians and highly visible permanent structures, or Jordan Shipley’s 6th year of eligibility, so he and Colt can hit their favorite bass fishing honey hole for one last Fall, or the presence of another McCoy on the Texas sideline, don’t look to long you might go ugly. Reality is the Horns are loaded with talent and have a gutsy QB to lead the way. If they can establish a running game early in the year and not allow teams to completely focus on Colt it could pay big dividends as the season progresses. Look for the Red River pie eating contest to determine if the BCS is in their season’s future. Actually since that game was just for practice last year, look to see if Blake Gideon has been learning to catch the football this year versus last year (1:50 mark).

Texas A&M – Somewhere today in Texas, Dennis Franchione just had large direct deposit go into his bank account, courtesy of TAMU, for services not rendered. And somewhere last fall, the Arkansas State Red Wolves made a nice deposit as well, courtesy of TAMU, for coming to College Station and allowing the Aggies to beat up on them in front of a sold out Kyle Field, well not exactly. Reality is Sherman and his staff are standing at the bottom of Mt. Everest trying to figure out how to get Sherman onto his lama, while all the neighbors (Texas, OU, LSU) are shot-gunning beers and grilling brats at the summit. The talent is improving, the Ags have some of the best skill position players right now that they have had in a while, and all are young. If Sherman and his Eggies (:55 mark) can continue to improve defensive speed, recruit, coach-up and keep healthy above average offensive linemen, the Aggies could start to see positive improvements as soon as this year, once they get through the gauntlet of non-conference foes like New Mexico, Utah State and UAB. Fingers crossed Ags.

OMFG G2G....Just hit bldg. LOL! CM - #2

2009-06-30T13:49:00.003-05:00

I recall reading recently that being an attorney for the University of Texas Football program was a “recession proof” job. Turns out that was no joke.
Sergio Kindle, linebacker for the Longhorns, pulled off his best grandma at the crowded farmers market, when he plowed his vehicle into an apartment building at about 2:30am. Unlike grandma, Kindle and crew quickly got out of the car and pushed it down the street to let it cool off over night. Apparently the car had had a few too many and they were just being good friends.
Sergio claims to have been texting when the accident occurred. The apartment complex estimates the damage to be around $8,700.00. So if Texas can collect $1 from the first 8700 fans to arrive too their seats at the whorns home opener this year, he should be able to pay this off at the start of the second half.

Kindle was also suspended for 3 games of the 2007 season for a DWI arrest. Serg, you obviously can’t drink and drive efficiently, now you prove that you can’t work a cell phone while driving. I think by deductive reasoning it’s fair to say you shouldn’t be behind the wheel when booze and booty calls are at hand. Let me guess you aren’t a strong swimmer either?

Cap & Trade for idiots by idiots

2009-06-25T13:42:00.003-05:00

Once again the politico’s in Washington are using their law school vocabulary in an effort to make a straight forward issue so confusing and coma inducing that the average American will develop a quick case of ADHD trying to read and follow what they are trying to push. They all, Dems and Rep. seem to get quite a kick out of assuming we are all idiots that could never think, interpret or analyze on their posh level. It reminds me of that old saying “those that can do, and those that can’t teach” well it’s no wonder why so many politicians are or were educators at some level. The latest, until tomorrow probably, in my humbled opinion is the Cap and Trade legislation that is being ram-roded through congress as I type. One Henry Waxman, D-California, most famously known for the charade he allowed and presided over during the Roger Clemens hearing, has co-sponsored the bill with Ed Markey, D-Massachusetts. Here is Wikipedia’s explanation of Cap & Trade and here is a WSJ article breaking it down to lowly undergrad level. If Madlibs would do a version the Texas Tech folks could get it. Hey Henry do you like apples?

The levee’s quick take on this Cap & Trade thing. The government wants to regulate (Cap) the amount of CO2 that companies can emit. And they will require them to buy permits allowing for set amounts of emission. That’s great and all; I am all for cutting down on pollution and regulating those Chernobyl looking plants that spew “smoke” 24/7. No one can honestly think that stuff isn’t having some negative effect. I mean have you ever met a looker from Pasadena Texas? Me neither, at least not since Mickey Gilley took a torch to his place, but I digress. The government then wants companies to buy and sell (Trade) their permits to or from each other as needed at a non-regulated price. Obviously Dow Chemical will emit more CO2, thus requiring more permits, than say Stan Da Man’s detailing shop in Shreveport, and they have plenty of emissions, just not CO2. So Stan can sell his permits to Dow at whatever price an ounce is going for that week. Dow, having to stay in production has to become a price taker and has little leverage to negotiate a fair price. And we all know how this ends; the costs will always get passed down to the consumer, all products and services will sky rocket. However it doesn’t stop there, companies could be forced to cut production which means cutting jobs or they will up and move to Bangladesh, so then your Polo’s and industrial lubricants are made side by side. Actually Hypercolor T-shirts might have been a by-product of this a few decades ago, but I digress. Either way it seems pretty obvious that this has peeing up-stream (bad idea) written all over it.

I don’t do forward email chains, and would appreciate all of you that do and happen to read this blog, yes I am talking to 1 person in particular, to please take me off your list, but this might not be a bad thing to call your local representative about. I am sure between luxurious trips with lobbyists and week long hikes with their mistress’s they would love to hear from you. Don’t forget they aren’t producing anything, sans the occasional bastard child, carrying out our will is their sworn duty.

2009-06-23T14:17:00.004-05:00

I wish the delay in updating could be blamed on a potential levee break due to rising waters, but as we all know that free fuel from above called rain has been doing its best Stacey Peterson and staying well out of sight (This is not the opinion of The Levee, solely based on statements made by current incarcerated husband and all around complete ass hat Drew Peterson, tell hitler and saddam hello when you get down there you spineless puke). I digress. Unless of course you were trying to get in a few rounds at Beth Page Black this past weekend. I mean seriously, we already have to endure Tigers temper tantrums, Johnny Miller’s holier than thou commentary, idiot yanks yelling “get in the hole” after every drive on a par 5, but then we have to sit threw rain delay after rain delay, never knowing who was playing which round or which cheek Lucas Glover was hiding his chew in. Not until Bob Costas crawled down from Al Roker's lap did I realize it was over. Actually once Phil starting gagging on the finishing holes I realized the end must be near.

So when it’s raining cats and dogs, funny people like to say “it’s a good day to be a duck!” What about when the heat index is 105 and the nearest rain is on the west coast of Maui, what do those wise asses say then? “Good day to be a radiator repair man?” I say this as I stare at my Aquafina bottle sweating like a (something derogatory) doing (something that takes intelligence) and marvel at the fact that someone somewhere decided to take a free natural renewable resource package it in an environmental cancer and sell it for huge profits. From a capitalistic/entrepreneurial standpoint it’s pure brilliance, but I wonder how that poor natural spring in Arkansas is able to supply the demand. Me thinks at some former Nike manufacturing plant in Thailand the sewing and glue machines have been replaced by little water faucets and a boat load of Brita water filters. Regardless, I will continue to purchase the cheapest bottled water available at every gas station I stop in, mainly because I don’t like to be chastised in a foreign language for using the facilities without spending a dime.

I saw that Steve Jobs, co-founder and CEO of Apple, is back on the job after a hiatus that turned out to be a health issue that ultimately required him to undergo a liver transplant. They said that in his absence Apple stock dipped as much as 11% at one point, with weary investors not sure of the company’s future without Jobs on the job, that was too easy. Anyway a few thoughts about the investors thought process from my perch atop the levee.

1) Do you see how many people have I Phones? Pretty sure that secret isn’t locked away with the original coca cola recipe.

2) How can a country so technologically superior, full of supremely educated people and investors with such deep pockets be mindlessly steered by the presence, or lack thereof, of one man? [Edit: 6/23: See most recent presidential election for answer.]

3) If Apple stocks were negatively affected by Job’s liver woes, then shouldn’t the converse effect have been seen on these stocks? ABI.BR, TAP, SAM ??? Buy buy buy!

Finally a few recession proof jobs for those that might have found themselves in a pinch under the current state of affairs.

- Manufacturers and retailers of anything that can be made in purple and gold with LSU printed somewhere on it.

- Apprentice criminal defense lawyer for the University of Texas athletic program.

- Crack dealer

- Any job with Welch’s Soda. Especially those in the grape division.

- Lower back and fraternity tattoo removal specialist.

My kind of day on Padre...

2009-06-09T14:27:00.002-05:00

It was with much anticipation and night-filled dreams of picking out back lashes that the Levee headed down south, “Down to Laguna Madre, cruising over the causeway…”, for some 3rd world living and 1st class fishing. But let’s start where most adventures start, in the shower. Thinking I was way ahead of schedule for my 1pm flight, I was applying the last good scrubbing I knew I had coming for the next 72 hours when I was summoned by the shake and squeal of my phone. Who on earth could be calling at 10am on a Thursday I thought. Hadn’t everyone set up the automated out of office replies and told their clients they “would be in spotty coverage areas” for the next few days? Well Southwest Airlines automated system apparently wasn’t mentally checked out yet, and decided to let me know that my flight had been canceled. And in the spirit of first class customer service asked if I would like to speak to a representative to make other arrangements?!? No, I think I will just blow off my fishing trip and head to Hotel Zsa Zsa and watch leather faced grandpa’s spend their waning 401K’s on young ladies that all seem to be working on their Master’s Degree’s. But I digress, so I did as instructed, pushed the #1 key on the phone and proceeded to figure out it was going to take an act of Barry O to get to Harlingen in time for my appointment and keep my well regimented crew on our planned schedule. So after a quick change it was off to Love Field to test my luck at the standby game. Having a few Mexican Nationals and their hefty cinch sack luggage in line in front of you is usually a bad sign. I was already thinking about what I was going to order at Chili’s and see how many El Presidente margaritas I could throw down until the much later flight, when like Barry O himself, a Southwest ticket agent appeared to make my southwestern eggroll and tequila dreams disappear like a new Huffy in West Shreveport. Turns out I was not only going to get on a different flight, but even better my Tex-Mex vacation was going to start an hour earlier. At this point I am at the gate, people watching, which outside of a good shoe shine and a Hudson News every 15 paces, is my most treasured airport pastime. I would not be disappointed, but how could I not have expected to be. I mean come on, flying from Dallas, stopping in Austin and terminating in Harlingen. Mix in some Lubbock trash and you’ve got all the makings for a proper Texas stew. You’ve got your Dallas its, that think the world gives a flying hippo about whatever happened to them 5 minutes ago, jabbering on their I Phones at levels that Chuck Yeager would find annoying. The suave business traveler hustling home to take Jr. to tee-ball and refresh his memory on what his wife looks like before he’s off again next week to close big deals, which we all know aren’t happening. But hey, those cuff links aren’t going to where themselves are they. And then there are those with the Valley as their permanent or weekend destination. These are the best, really they are, and did you know that 9 out 10 valley locals went to Texas University? Seriously, you have to be an alumnus to get that shirt, hat, and pompous ass entitled attitude package. And Vince Young is still the bestes ball thrower ever man. Poor Texas A&M Kingsville, how are the Javelinas ever going to build a solid fan base? Let’s fast forward; I will save you the pain I incurred of having a man of my demographic order a Bailey’s and coffee at 12:30pm, because the female he was trying to gab with had ordered the same thing. If it weren’t for their 6 kids combined, I bet mimicking her order would have surly sealed the deal.

It’s 11:00am Friday, we have successfully launched the boat, the trip is underway and apparently my “Out of office reply” is deterring no one. The fishing was good, we all remembered how to catch fish and turn a large cooler into a fish holder, food keeper colder and personal beer dispenser. Now balancing the boat taking into consideration the two arena league O-linemen I was on board with was more of a challenge. I mean heaven for bid we get wet after having just waded in 4ft of water for 6 hours. There was about 4 hours of not so much peril but frustration that faded to exhaustion and for me at least eventually hallucination. At one point I thought headlines were going to read “Three fishermen lost at Sea, all within a 6 iron of land in every direction.” We had taken the “shallow sport” a term obviously used loosely into some very “skinny” water with a not so “skinny” crew. Do the math and you see where this is headed. But with a true team effort, lots of pushing and some good old elbow grease, we were back up and running. The fishing tapered off a bit with an occasional lady tarpon, trout, hard head and clump of grass still bending our rods. The rest of the night was filled with good hearted ribbing, catching up and fantastically poor service at “The Donkey” in SPI. Now it was off to our smoking friendly hotel rooms for a guaranteed cold catching, wheezing, scratchy throat nights sleep. For tomorrow it mattered, the tournament was to start.

Up at 5:45am straight to the dock, to find that our fellow competitors had already headed out. No worries, there’s plenty of fish in the sea, right? Well for some of you there might be, but for us it was a slow day. You see a Sat. on any water way brings out every Dick and Tom with a boat and an understanding wife. Every spot that we had had any luck at or had heard about was stacked 4-5 deep with little pastel dots flinging their mass produced, lab engineered scent, Chinese manufactured lures, that by the way really resemble nothing from nature, into the water to try and allure the coveted trout and red fish. We gave our best and met very average results, but like a wise man once said, “that’s why the call it fishing not catching!” actually that was a crappy fishing guide that told me that once, far from a wise man. Our numbers however were much better with the cold beverages, although they can be quit slippery and squirt away when too much pressure is applied, I feel confident in saying bag limits were achieved by all.

As the trip was regrettably coming to an end, we got word from a very lively source that made it all make sense. For Friday night was a full moon in the South Texas area. Well that made all the sense in the world, that’s why Friday had been good and Saturday was a grind. Anyone worth their salt knows that fish can feed all night under a full moon, kind of like what happened to my roommate for the weekend, meaning that during the day they can retreat to their happy/protected areas and let us fools get excited every time the non-elusive grass fish taps our lines. So in light of the recent news we all picked our heads up, looked strangers in the eye again and put a little pep back in our steps as we canvassed the town that evening, for we were great fishermen, it was mother nature that screwed things up. Well, this confidence was quickly dashed when on Monday we find out that a guy in Corpus Christi had caught and landed what might be a state record trout, currently leading the statewide Star Tournament, he must have found the “happy/protective” place because this guy brought in a 10.7lb trout. For any bowlers that are reading this, that’s like bowling a 330! I know 300 is the max. The point is outside of soaking croakers, neither you nor I or anyone we have ever broken bread with will ever catch a trout this size.
All in all great trip, great company and great times were had. I thank those that made it happen and please share my gratitude with the numerous illiterate people that played a part as well

Country of origin please......not America

2009-06-02T10:44:00.002-05:00

So it’s starting to look and feel a lot like summer time again. Not because the weather, the ever present sun or the aimless adolescents wandering the streets all day with 40 oz. red bulls in each hand, but because the annual Scripps National Spelling Bee has just concluded. Some say the Hotdog contest at Coney Island NJ over Memorial Day weekend is the kick-off to summer, some say the beginning of the college baseball post-season is, but I stand by it’s the gathering of every ethnicity in this country, outside of Caucasian, at the spelling bee that marks it for me. The Bee, where brown and brown is preferred is kind of the Anti-Miss America, where blonde and blue is. They air this on ESPN, you ought to see their relatives try and find this on the cable guide. The only chance an Anglo really has is if they have had the social misfortune of being home-schooled. Noting against home-schooling, I mean someone has to keep an eye on the moonshine still or play QB at Florida. The bee does remind us that our call centers will always be manned, Lord of The Rings will never not be popular and all smart kids really do where glasses and don’t own mirrors. Congratulations to Kavya Shivashankar this years Queen Bee. I guess bubbling in that name on enough scantrons, makes one proficient in linguistics and etymology.

North Korea is showing off their nuke capable bottle rockets again, and why not when your only consequence is a strong denouncement from the rest of the world. They aren’t allowed to look at pictures of their leader for fear of their eyes turning to stone, do you really think stern words from Hillary Clinton are going to scare them? Her threats have yet to scare Bill, an intern, a b-list actress or a former Arkansas State employee. There is a reason Hiroshima and Nagasaki don’t play cat and mouse games like this anymore.

Barry and Michelle O spent the weekend in New York, catching a play and having a date weekend. Not only is this guy the worlds biggest celebutard, but now’s he showing up all the rest of us by having a $24K date weekend during this recession!! Come on Barry, your breaking man-code here in a major way. How are DVR’ed Office re-runs, and venison steaks suppose to compete with this?

Congratulations to the Texas A&M Mens Golf Team, your 2009 National Champions. Quite a feat for the rag-tag bunch of Spaniards and red-necks stuck in College Station. Now if we can move some of the Meat Judging trophies to the left and the Equestrian trophies to the right we should have a bit of room in the National Championship Trophy case. So suck it Pepperdine, Ok State, Florida, Arkansas, Texas, every school in Arizona and all you other golf powerhouses, there is clearly a shift in power taking place.

The Levee gets political

2009-05-28T08:49:00.006-05:00

We were all taught to never talk about politics and/or money in social settings, it’s been deemed rude and unrefined. Well color me both then, because if four, 24 hour news channels can do it, then so can I. Not so much the money, but the politics. I’ve met miserable rich men and joyous poor men and those that have it want more and those that don’t do too, so I don’t get too caught up with money. Now, only if my generation felt the same way, we might not be in this economic abortion at the moment, but I digress. Recently Barry O nominated Sonia Sotomayor to be the next justice in the lands highest court. This is where monumental cases are argued and ruled upon, like Roe vs. Wade, Brown vs. The Board of Education (which has been improving suburban high school athletics ever since) etc… Personally I prefer to wade, rowing can really take it out of you. Sorry, I saw that on a sweet tank top in Destin one year. Back on topic, this Sotomayor lady has an impressive resume and a neat rag to riches story, and a law degree and federal judgeship appointment, but that doesn’t place her above reproach. She has made some freighting comments and rulings in her past. There was the comment made while speaking to a group of Duke students stating that the court of appeals “makes law.” Forgive my 1 high school semester worth of civics, but I recall being taught that it is the Legislative branch that makes law and it is the Judicial branch’s role to implement the law. Strike one. Okay, that is boring hubbub I know, so let’s spice it up a bit, let’s get reverse-racist! Lady Sonia added this nugget a few years back, at Cal Berkley no less…..shocker!, She claims "that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experiences would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn't lived that life." If she’s talking about homemade enchiladas, I couldn’t agree more, but outside of that I believe that’s strike two. Think if a white male had said something similar, he'd be run out of town quicker than John Edwards mistress. Here’s another example of her blatant disregard for the constitution and individual rights, she ruled against a teenage blogger, who had made some incendiary remarks about school officials on her blog. The teenager wanted to run for class office and the school said no b/c of the comments, the parents took this to court where Senorita Sotomayor ruled the court doesn’t have the right to step in and affect school policy. Sounds like a blatant free-speech issue to me. Strike three or red card, either way she’s out of here. There are more cases in which her rulings could be labeled suspect at best, but if I wanted to do that much legal wrangling, I would dye my hair blonde, get some enhancemnets and become a legal assistant. I know that is very cliché about legal assistants, but sometimes clichés really help hammer the point home, very much like a simile or metaphor.

Some food for thought….

Ladies, moms, wives, girlfriends, bosses, co-workers, teachers etc…. When you start a sentence with “I don’t mean to nag, but….” YOU ARE ALREADY NAGGING!! Just come on out with it, 9 out of 10 times you will get a better response by being forthright.

To all …. If you ever hear someone say “to make a long story short….” Prepare for the longest story you’ve heard in a while. I guess it’s a subconscious thing to make the storyteller believe that they aren’t about to waste your time.

It's Memorail Day and that's still not Oprah

2009-05-26T13:07:00.005-05:00

Another Memorial Day weekend come and gone. I hope everyone had a nice long weekend doing whatever it is you do. It always surprises me how many folks don’t know what Memorial Day stands for, just that it’s a long weekend and even better a short work week. Real quickly it is to honor all those that have served, fought and died for our Country in battle. Yes even those 18 year olds that were given the option from judges across the country of time plus probation or enlisting, even they should be recognized. Why not teach a petty criminal how to become a honed in killing machine. In all seriousness I hope everyone was able to thank family members that have served or were able to thank a soldier in passing. I was in the airport all day and while there were plenty of soldiers coming and going, I spent the majority of my lay-over time reminding the TSA agents that they are not the 6th branch of the military. And whenever they are ready to come down from their collective high-horse, we citizens are ready as well. And I wonder why I get “special screening” every time. The airport can be a very entertaining place, the people watching is one of a kind, especially when you post up at a gate with the next flight headed straight for Shanghai. If you want to see the newest and hippest luggage coming on the market, go find a flight heading to the far East and you will see what is going to be on every liberal arts bound college kids Christmas list next year. You will also find the latest in face masks here as well. Maybe it’s mandated by the Chinese government, possibly afraid of Democracy spreading from inbound US flights. If they only knew this flight was coming from Chicago, where they haven’t enjoyed democracy in years!

I knew we were getting close to home when I overheard a phone conversation while waiting to board our regional hop, skip and a jump jet home. The man that called my fellow passenger was upset and felt it couldn’t wait apparently. My fellow passenger allegedly promised this guy a “show pig” for his daughter, my bet it she already is one or at least one of her friends would work, but I digress, and it sounds like the caller didn’t like the end product. The passenger, like any good stock swindler, immediately blamed the mistake on his hired hand. Why not, he can’t speak the language and surely doesn’t have a cell phone so he basically he doesn’t exist, all clear! Plus as the passenger would announce at least 36 times to the whole terminal, “I’VE BEEN IN RENO ALL WEEK!” so he couldn’t be held responsible. I am sure Reno hated to see this “whale” leave town. Word is they are going to be out of french toast at the Best Western Reno for at least another week and all the slot stools are in need of a good tightening. But alas it was good to know that we were getting close to home and that my public education was going to continue to serve me just fine.

We had a great time in Chicago; it was the perfect mix of great weather, great food, great excursions and most importantly great company. So that wasn’t Oprah I kept seeing, it took hours to erase all those pics of me and random black women from the camera. We kept very busy, but never felt rushed, kind of like every quarterback A&M faced last year. We covered a lot from architectural tours, to fine dining, shopping, art places and even a game of putt-putt in the middle of the park with a few Mike’s Hard Lemonades. LOL! (For all the Chris Hansen fans). I mentioned art places, this was more like an art city and art people everywhere, or it could have simply been a Star-trek convention going on, depends on who you ask. Regardless the Art Institute of Chicago was quite a spectacular, it houses some of the most famous and rare pieces out there, in fact if anyone would have gotten a picture of me in there, it would be a one of a kind, never going to happen again type piece that surely would be worth something. By the way any of you with toddler age children, save those papers with all the scribbling on them, apparently there is a place in this super awesome world of art for them as well. Please see exhibit A. So we walk into the “Modern Contemporary” room and after successfully muffling my laughter with fake coughs, I had to get the camera and document this. And in true non-art appreciating fashion I quickly pulled of a picture from the middle of the room of this 20’x20’ behemoth, with the flash on. I was promptly told that this was a no-no, and it proved to cut our viewing session short, by short I mean over, if only I had been privy to this information earlier; I might have had us out of there after the second Renoir! I mean seriously though, what was my Japanese made flash going to do to this acid-trips pencil and crayon loopty loops? All in all it was good to go and watch my darling wife enjoy seeing the rare art. I also enjoyed getting to wear my new bowler hat and whistling the Thomas Crown Affair theme music for two hours. The guards however, didn’t think my empty cans of Copenhagen were funny when I would roll them around the rooms upon my entrance, but I was entitled to entertainment as well wasn’t I?!

2009-05-21T23:04:00.006-05:00

How time flies when you don’t pay attention, the levee has been battling rising waters the past week and if it weren’t for Sean Penn’s heroic, anonymous efforts, all might have been lost. However, the water has receded, Michael Vick is home, his cats are happy, and I’m now thirty, when life starts to matter. So to the 3 of you who's lives hang on your daily dose of “views from the levee” I apologize, but as Eminem dealt with severe writers block and needed a year to kick Valium and to decide if he wanted to bed-down or kill Kim, the levee too has had much on its proverbial plate. Age is just a number, at least that’s allegedly what some ladies have been told in Vegas every December, stopping promptly in 2006, but for some reason 30 has a different vibe to it. To answer why; would be like asking why fine China is called China even though it is not made of lead, a product of some 8 year old "average" gymnast or from China at all. Some things just have no explanation. So we go with it, like the flock of sheep you have been taught to become. Gut check is the best way to describe it in my opinion. You look in the mirror that morning, as every morning before, but this day, the beginning of your 30th year in existence and it’s different. This time you need to like and/or be okay/content with what you see. Because this time you have no excuse, the days of blaming poor decisions, inappropriate comments, or bad bets can no longer be chalked up to “I'm in my 20’s, I'll recover from this!” I promise the bad bets will continue, like not putting Mine That Bird in your Exacta at the Preakness! You fool, me too. As will the inappropriate comments, like thinking every server at the Mexican food joint wants to be spoken to in Spanish, they don't by the way, but I digress. At 30, society tells us that we should be on some sort of “path” and have “direction." Two words that when not associated with war or hiking, have very negative connotations. I guess not all feel this way about 30, some look forward to it, it justifies their expanding waist line and life long goal to “be old” and to others it’s a time to do self-inventory (a nice way of saying “do I fit in with the Jones’s?”) and to those others, it’s still just a number. Whatever it is to you, do what feels right, but do it with no regrets.

Now on to more pressing current happenings. Michael Vick has been released from Leavenworth Federal Prison, in Kansas. He did a 19 month stretch on a 23 month stint, while down for felony animal cruelty, tax evasion and living up to the stereotype. Sorry for those that aren’t into prison lingo, when House Hunters or Real Housewives isn’t on the levee's TV, anything with “Lock” in the title is being watched and DVR’ed at this housing unit, I mean house. So Mike gets to do the rest of his stint under house arrest. Wow wouldn’t we all be so lucky. The odds that Mike Vick isn’t soaking in a jacuzzi tub full of Dom Perignon right now are about as good as my one eyed tabby cat making it out of a Michael Vick puppy park alive. A 10 year, 130 million dollar deal wasn't enough, but seeing if Spike could "eliminate" Rosie was, I hope the street cred in your suburban Virgina hood works out for you. Congratulations, you have just become as thug as Grant Hill and Christian Laettner. The only solace is that every night when he slides between his 2100 thread count Egyptian sheets, hopefully he has nightmares of Pits using his corn rolls as dental floss. Even a 4.3 forty can't save you from terminal mental torment. Perhaps that will be his Waterloo.

Allegedly the NBA semi-finals are happening right now. From the levee it looks more like a 2-man game of horse with 8 other guys in jerseys, 3 zebras, an over paid NBA has been in a suit and 40,000 people paying hard earned money to watch. It's amazing that so many tatted up Rhodes Scholars can clear out and let the two super-stars do their version of the Brazilian Samba every time down the court. I know that traveling and fidelity in the NBA are only stories our grandpappys tell us about, but has defending the ball been completely lost during the leap from Jr. High to the NBA? And we scratch our heads when the Croatians pummel us every four years in the Olympics. If I watch 5 minutes of the next NBA play-off game it will be the first 4:45 minutes of NBA action I have seen all year, and 4:40 minutes more than want I wanted to see. But as a loyal Sporstcenter guy, I find myself wondering, can someone please produce Lebron's real birth certificate. The dude is 24 years old, allegedly, have you noticed the two bowling balls he calls shoulders and he's been trimming that beard since '97. Good thing the NBA has gone to long shorts.... And we thought we only cheated in the Tour de France .

Finally MLB baseball was on at the levee the other night, and man has Rawlings got a good thing going. Obviously neither the umpires nor MLB have received the memo that we are in a RECESSION. I bet they go through 100 balls a game. Cincinnati had some hack on the mound the other night that was very good at throwing a 59.5 ft. pitch, meaning every second pitch bounced to the catcher, and like Latino clock work, the catcher without hesitation would hand the ball to the home plate ump demanding a new ball. Thinking that it was obviously the balls fault that his rag armed pitcher couldn't get a curve ball to carry 60 ft 6 inches. And like the trained circus elephants they are, the ump would mindlessly hand a $20 Rawlings to the catcher, just to have to do the same swap-out no less than three pitches later. I guess being in the leather by-product business I should embrace such foolishness, but being a Phil Niekro fan, I appreciate the value of a good scuffed baseball.

As the Memorial Day Weekend awaits us, the levee is going to be on the road. The darling wife has put together what should be a most memorable weekend in Chicago. Considering there is only about a 4 month window to enjoy this true American city, we plan on doing our best. Personally the shopping potential on Michigan Avenue has kept me up the past couple of nights. Can we make all the stores? Will all the items I've been bird-dogging online still be in stock? Will Oprah leave any size 16's for the rest of us? Oh, the anxiety that kicks in before such a trip. All I know is that any time spent with my darling wife is time that is cherished and if nothing else we will always have the Art Institute of Chicago! And maybe a couple of deep dish pies.

Closing thought from the levee: As times are tough and getting tougher, and having just become happily married and seeing many peers have and/or attempt children, I have heard some question if bringing up children in such a changing world is even worth it. Well, I pass along some genius that was said to me one day, un-provoked as much advice I receive is. But these two optimistic thinkers said, instead of being afraid that your child might fall prey to the crazy world we live in, why not bare children and raise them to exude the virtues that we hold dear, and let them be the leaders of tomorrows generation. Have faith that your child will absorb your teachings and desire to carry those ideals into the years ahead. Remember as much as Nancy Pelosi makes us want to eat a bowl of thumb tacks in the morning at times, it only takes one young congressperson to cancel out her Karl Marx inspired vote!

How an umpire can ruin a rip-roaring Friday night, and weekend for that matter...

2009-05-11T17:30:00.006-05:00

Nothing says married and fixing to turn 30 like sitting in front of your computer to watch a college baseball game on your 15” monitor on a Friday night. While DVR-ing Deadliest Catch re-runs to watch “late night” when you really want to cut loose! Seriously, I had to rest up for the big Mother’s Day dinner at my Grandparent-in-laws that Saturday. They deserve my “A” game and as usual they got it, and some of my “B” game, but that was later in the evening. So back to my Axl Rose-esque Friday night, DVR is set-up in the living room, A&M vs. Texas is pulled up on the computer, A.M. radio is pulled up on the computer, to let Dave South see how confusing he can make a baseball game and the Coors Lights have been laid out in a very particular order in the fridge to coincide with the ebbs and flows of the ball game. That turned out to be a lost cause, as you will read; some how whiskey turned up in the rotation, if that gives any clue as to the contest I was about to witness. *Side note - House Hunters was being watched on the main TV, if you ever want to rob my house, come when I’m gone and my darling wife is watching House Hunters. Unless you want to steal the TV, your presence won’t be noticed. It’s like a baby on 40 milligrams of adderal and a new mobile! Okay, back to my hotel room destroying Friday night. The game gets going and as expected it’s a dandy, Texas jumps out to a big lead and their pitcher is mowing threw Aggie batters like the Swine Flu through a chiclet distributor’s convention. With some well timed long balls, the Ags play there way back into the game and make it a nail biter. Amazingly Dave South, A&M’s infamous all sports play-by-play guy, is calling it like he’s reading it off a fast scrolling ticker at the bottom of ESPN, and couple that with a 10 second radio delay. So when the pitch has reached the catchers mitt after a “coming out of his cleats homerun swing” I’ve got radio genius telling me to watch for the drag bunt. I mean seriously, he gets about half of everything correct, leaving many to wonder why A&M shut-down its journalism department. I digress, so now it’s late in the game, the Crown Royal has mysteriously made its way into my office and the House Hunters marathon is on the home stretch. Now to the point, there were 3 calls, by the same umpire, Dave Yeast, one in all 3 games of the series that would greatly swing momentum and ultimately cost the Ags the regular season conference championship, not to mention the coach’s bonuses that are attached to such feats. Let me also mention that Dave Yeast has served as the National Coordinator of Umpires for the NCAA for 8 years. Here is a clip of the 1st bad call, (Forgive the music, it's the first single from my garage band "Shingle Fever") which would have given the Ags the lead and not forced extra innings where Texas would go on to win by 2. Now onto Saturday where the series shifted over to Austin and or pal Dave Yeast is now at third base, this pitch was perfect, with a left handed batter, to nail a guy trying to swipe 3rd, but apparently yeast infections can travel and have adverse effects on one’s eyes. Fortunately this blown call would have no lasting effect as the Ags went on to win 3-0. Finally it’s the Sunday “rubber match” to decide the series and more than likely the regular season conference champion. Mr. Yeast was now umpiring first base and it didn’t take him long to screw up another call and 100% effect the outcome. There was 1 out in the bottom of the first, Texas has a runner on first, a ground ball is hit to the second basemen, he shovels it to the short-stop covering second, gets the lead runner out and throws onto first base to complete the double play, but Mr. necessary active bread raising ingredient decided to botch another call, thus leaving the runner on 1st with two outs. Texas went on to score 5 runs in that inning and nothing else the entire game. The final, if you’re still reading, you guessed it, 5-4 Texas wins. I know that no one play can/should effect the outcome of any sporting event, but anyone that knows anything about baseball knows that it’s a game of momentum and breaks. When you get no breaks and continually have the momentum snatched from your dugout, it becomes a tough row to hoe.

So see you really don’t have to be out carousing around, painting the town red, leaving your credit card at bars, maybe needing to apologize to co-workers on Monday to have a good time. A functioning refrigerator, an understanding wife, a full can of dip and a good internet feed can provide all that you need. I am already looking forward to next Friday, maybe there’s a good high-limit bridge tournament I can get in on!

Building Champions...with both kinds of tools.

2009-05-07T12:39:00.003-05:00

If this is what it takes to play in BCS games and compete for championships, well then someone head to the Lowes in College Station and buy up all the screwdrivers.

Just kidding of course, a really good linebacker shouldn't need a weapon.

Let it rain

2009-05-06T10:37:00.003-05:00

As I sit here, watching, listening to and appreciating the rain, I wonder why this free fuel of life gets such a bad rap. Sure it inconveniences us at times and might cause an all out change of plans, but for all the good it provides, I am tired of the complaining. And to all the weathermen and women out there, shame on you, for always referring to the rain with a negative tone, outside of those weather folks in the rural communities whom know the value of a good dosing. If the weather people realized the job security “storms and rain” provided they might have a different perspective. I doubt many Hawaiian’s stay up to catch the 10pm weather on their local news just to make sure it’s going to perfect for the 7,584 day in a row (High of 82 Low of 82 and mostly sunny). Back to the rain, as previously noted it can be an inconvenience, but so can brushing your teeth in some situations. It might interrupt a ball game, but I think its nature’s way of separating the real fans from those who want to know what inning the football game is in. There is a reason sports bars have more taps than TV’s. Rain is the ultimate provider; it makes Goodwill look self-fish. It fills our rivers, lakes and streams. The streams are often created by, or rejuvenated by rain, which allows them to transport nutrients to fish and so on all the way up the food chain to us. It fills the rivers that allow for the flow of industrial goods from one part of the country to another and the creation of unlikely friendships. And a great place to get rid of an old car or washing machine. It fills the lakes, which provide all of the above plus real estate, retirement, vacation and other piece of mind opportunities. But most importantly it is free fuel, that grows are crops, fattens our livestock and it doesn’t cost a dime. The earth’s surface is 75% salt water, if anyone could develop a low energy/cost effective desalination process; they could buy a big boat and float wherever they want on 75% of the earth. By that I mean, it’s possible to desalinate but terribly expensive and consumes mass amounts of energy to produce little yield. Sounds like the same requirements for an Al Gore speech. So when it rains we get this jewel for free, with little to no energy output, but with great yield potential. So the next time the “Chief Meteorologists” starts bagging on the rain and saying little zingers like “good day to be a duck!” think about the hypocrisy they spew. They need that rain, they want that rain, and they depend on that rain. At least until Doplar radars become stocking stuffers and we are all making our own forecasts. So the next time it rains, which will probably be soon, don’t look at the rain with anger and disgust, look at it and be thankful for the goodness it provides, the services it aides, and the money it can save. Oh and the oxygen that is a by-product of photosynthesis, that keeps you alive, but that’s for another day. Just trust me without rain you would be dead, ask those folks in Death Valley, not Baton Rouge, their border line brain-dead already, but in California.

Some pictures... you should be able to click on them to enlarge

2009-05-05T11:20:00.007-05:00

Some quick updates and notes of interest

2009-05-04T13:59:00.002-05:00

Probably the coolest thing that occurred in my small universe over the past week was when it came to my attention that one of the 3 yr olds running in the 135th version of the Kentucky Derby, Join in The Dance, is owned by a group of guys that were classmates of mine for many years. To have watched these guys hamming it up with the Sultans and Sheiks would have been priceless. It has been reported that they were the only owners that bought canned beer from the stable boys for the procession walk from the paddocks to the track! I would have expected nothing less. Unfortunately for them, strippers in the owners box are frowned upon at Churchill Downs. But when the dust/mud settled they had to be thrilled. Their pony led the Kentucky Derby for 3/4 of the race and finished strong in 7th place. The heavy race time favorite finished second to last and the winner was the other 50-1 long shot coming in. It will be interesting to see if they decide to run JITD at The Preakness in two weeks.

In keeping with the "livestock" theme, Riverland Cattle Co. had it's first calf about 2 weeks ago. For those scoring at home, Red #7 had a black heifer #9. Baby and mom are both doing well, neither seems to want me to get close, but a well driven gator and a well placed neck rope ended that the other night. She has been tagged and will be left alone to grow.

Speaking of gators, the above was referring to the John Deere version of off road utility vehicle. But the Mother nature version has been out in abundance recently. I have been taking pictures and will try to post, but the quality doesn't do the encounters justice. It is truly like stepping back in time, oh about 5 million years, and watching dinosaurs.

Thoughts from the Levee

2009-04-28T22:49:00.002-05:00

What a past couple of days, where to start, what to hit on and which tales to tell. Let’s tackle the NFL draft first; the best part of the draft is that when it starts, that means we are that much closer to it being over. And not having to hear about it from every sportscaster, columnist, college flunky or plumber for another 364 days. I guess it’s the one/two days a year that the meter reader gets to think he’s Jerry Jones and act like the balance of the free world hangs on his decision of which 21 year old to turn into an instant lotto winner. So Mathew Stafford gets a guaranteed $41+ million dollar deal, two days before the draft, and they complain that the rich always get richer. Don’t get me wrong I harbor nothing but admiration for Matt (he’s not 12, Mathew is what you call your portly son who may or may not pan out) he’s made it. I admire a guy that started “seeing” a sorority girl at Georgia while still in high school and decided to play his college football between the hedges. Let’s hope ol Katy Kappa didn’t balloon and ended up staying for 5 years with Matt, to reap what she (her father, uncle and grandpappy) sowed. She’s probably earned her share of that “guaranteed money.” Actually even with the freshman, sophomore, junior and two senior 15's, she’ll look better than anything he sees in Detroit.

Mike Leach – Somehow this guy managed to bitch and moan his way into another conversation that would have been just fine without him. I guess knowing your Pepperdine Law degree got you a lifetime in Lubbock would have those kinds of psychotic effects. Good thing because the world always needs complete tools, meaning Graham Harrell will always have a job.

So Barry O and Co. decided to fly Air Force One and two fighter jets over NYC, smooth move. Apparently it was for a photo opp. Well somewhere tonight Ansel Adams IS NOT flipping in his grave because I’m willing to bet that NYFD Ladder Co. #32 won’t have that print hanging in their firehouse. I know you’re just a puppet, but come on even Bill Clinton knew to only sleep with ugly chicks.

With the good rain and some smart fertilizing, the Celebrity and Brandywine Tomatoes are taking off. I bet they have put on 6-8 inches of growth in the past week. The peppers are starting to bud; the real test will come keeping the squirrels and Jays out of them. The pistol BB gun that lobs bb’s at about 30 ft/second has not exactly deterred them. I have heard that fox urine sprinkled around the base of the plant will. I just happen to be fresh out.

It seems as a country we are reverting back to the ways of imperialism and isolationism. Many thought the Barry O would bring us all together, but it seems his reign is creating serious lines of division. It’s been a long time since there were this many people that held so much animosity towards the leader, those that follow and those that oppose. America was founded on the ideals that with hard work, a few breaks and a sound economical environment, anyone could succeed. In 100 days the socialist Democratic Party has done everything in their power to thwart that thought. I still believe in capitalism and survival of the fittest, even though if my life depended on eating fish I would be malnourished, I still think those virtues hold true. We shall see…..

Round 2:

2009-04-24T10:10:00.003-05:00

It has been one week since the debacle that was trying to get the house cleaned. I must admit there were about 10 minutes of uneasiness this morning when Patty G arrived and my darling wife had not. If you'll remember this is where we got derailed last week. To say the silence was uncomfortable would be an understatement. I fidgeted and awkwardly said "just get started doing everything you forgot to last week, and my wife should be here by then" and quickly retreated to the comfort and safety of my office. For 10 minutes I heard nothing, no sweeping noise, no water running, no doors opening and buses speeding off and then the wife arrived and I think both Patty G and I released collective sighs of relief. I tried to eves drop on their conversation, in case I ever find myself having to negotiate with a helper again, but they speak in some kind of, female I should be doing this work myself but would rather pay you and she understands, code that as a man I will never get. However 3 minutes 47 seconds later Patty G is whipping this place into shape, my darling wife has gone back to work and all I've done is written a check and typed this paragraph. What a wonderful world we live in.

Yards mowed, fish in the Red River are safe...

2009-04-23T18:36:00.003-05:00

...and it's about time to throw the steaks on. Put the 29-0-5 fertilizer on the lawn Tuesday, have been watering a lot and raised the mower blade one notch, to encourage growth. The key is to water, so that the fertilizer doesn't burn your lawn, but not too much. To much water establishes a weak root system, because the roots don't have to "travel" as far to find their water source. A good dampening in the AM will provide adequate water, but also burn off as the day progresses. Therefore forcing the roots to burrow deeper and ultimately developing a strong long lasting root foundation.

As for the steaks, we are grilling fillets fresh from Sam's, yep that's right, Sam's. They have in my opinion the best meat selection outside of a true butcher shop going. Blows Kroger, Randal's, Brokshire Bros., Target etc. out of the water. I will be using the "restaurant method" often talked about but seldom tried. It tends to render a very tasty steak. Remember to under cook your steak if nothing else, it will continue to cook while resting off of direct heat. I learned that while I was apprenticing as the worlds oldest bus boy at Outback in College Station. Apparently the GM didn't think I would interact well with customers, so he decided to let me begin my duties promptly upon their departure.

The large mouth bass in the Red River will sleep safe again tonight. After many attempt to lure them to bite my lead laden, plastic, hyper color craw fish, I conceded and vowed to return with a vengeance another time. I did hook a large female the other day and with my mind still in the saltwater, trout and red fish mode, I "horsed" her too much and as she rolled revealing the biggest whitest belly you ever saw, broke me off, 12lb Stren line split like a strand of dental floss being pulled through my bicuspids. I went Mike Iaconelli and yelled and screamed to no avail. At least she'll have to feel the shame of having a black/watermelon with chartreuse tipped craw fish hanging from her lip when she goes back to mingle with the other black bass. The lack of boat, the plentiful snakes, and sunning alligators within casting range make wading a bit of a quagmire. After watching the pros at the Bass Master Classic fish this very spot, I thought it was just a matter of putting a line in the water. I guess that's why those guys have terminal sun glass tans and a lifetime supply of Pemmican beef jerky and Stren fishing line. What a great way to live. But I must admit, bass isn't the most tasty, I think if I were fishing for a living I might have one catfish rig on the boat just to make sure I bring home some bounty, if the coveted Missouri Land O Lakes Bass Invitational trophy doesn't finds it's way to my mantle.

Stay Classy tech...

2009-04-23T11:12:00.002-05:00

Offered without comment. - The pride of raiderland.

Shake up at College Gameday

2009-04-22T11:22:00.004-05:00

Rumor spreading is that there will be some personnel changes on the set of arguably the greatest pre and post game show in the Fall.

Out: Fowler and Corso

In: Karl Ravech and Lou Holtz

Quick thoughts - Corso out, this was long over due. We can only be expected to listen to him butcher names, forget teams and be so predictable for so long. He was entertaining but the act has grown tired. But replacing him with Lou Holtz isn't exactly a step forward, in fact this might be considered a step backwards to many. Where Lou has the edge over Lee is on the sideline. Unlike Lee, Lou had success, of course until cheating began to be frowned upon. Get your umbrellas ready now, b/c the saliva shower is coming.

Getting rid of Folwer is a huge mistake. Karl Ravech has been Peter Gammons whipping boy for the past decade. This is what we can expect on Saturday mornings after taking ourselves from bed to couch, trying to get us jacked for a meaningless BIG 10 game, Purdue @ Minn.

The big wigs at Home Depot are spear heading this allegedly. Good job, loose Tony Stewart and then change the best sports pre and post game show in the history of televsion. Hey "Let's build somethign together."

2009-04-22T10:58:00.000-05:00

Interesting times…

There is a lot of stuff happening in our world that could be construed as bothersome to some or a simple after thought to others. Watching the news has sadly become increasingly pointless, outside of getting your local weather of course. The national news will tell you one thing while the cable news will tell you another. The advent of 24 hour cable news sounded like a great idea, but in reality, trying to fill the air 24 hours a day and keep an audience, it would seem and is proving to be tough. Perhaps the term beating a dead horse was created to describe CNN, MSNBC, FOX News, etc…It’s not so much that the events occurring today are any different from years past, the same ailments of today have existed since the dinosaurs were building the foundation of the Oil boom. For instance we are witnessing the re-emergence of ocean going pirates, nothing says 21st century like a pirate attack! Sure would have thought that with the proliferation of long range high powered machine guns and, oh I don’t know, radar, these implements would have pretty much rendered pirating obsolete, but obviously destroyers versus drift boats and mercury outboards is more even matched than one would assume. And pretty certain there were earthquakes and volcanoes back in the day as well, don’t think so? Ask the next Pompeian you meet, well never mind. What it comes down to is that it’s the way these stories are covered and re-covered and covered one last time for the insomniac or the night watchman who might have missed it at every top of the hour for the last 10 hours. It is shoved down our throats at every turn; we can’t help but think it’s just a matter of time before pirates start cruising the local lakes and rivers. They are selling fear. And the populous is buying it. Dooms-dayers are having a field day running around with that crap-tastic “I told you so” obnoxious swagger. And don’t think that the Politics and politicians are any different today then they were 50-1000 years ago either. Along with the brash dictators and power mongers who will always play a key role in history and present times of the world. Again it’s the way they are handled and portrayed. Don’t be misled, is Hugo Chavez a giant douche – yes, and Barry O getting into a book club with him probably wasn’t smart, but he did, we have all seen, read, and heard about it to no end. And the mousy guy from Iran, who rocks the Members Only jackets daily, how does he keep getting picked to give speeches to the world? I think his speech writer wrote one speech and then was fired or more likely be-headed, “Israel and the US are bad, Holocaust never happened…blah blah blah.” We’ve heard it before Ahmadidyourjob! Now scurry back to Tehran and see how many “scientists” you can poison trying to enrich uranium. I guess with his little hate speech he thinks like Jimmy Buffett does with “Margaritaville” when you think you’ve got a hit, keep playing it. But eventually it’s up to us as individuals to decide what is and what isn’t a big deal, and that will be different for everyone. Everybody is in different places in their respective lives and sees relevance in different things. Letting the news and the slant with which it is reported define you, would be a shame. Don’t let others make up your mind for you.

[EDT: 4/22: Disregard all of the above, the world IS INDEED coming to an end. Proof - when a female hating queen is asked to judge the Miss USA Pageant, and still would rather be a catcher!]

To stay with the theme of over-coverage and driven network agendas, let’s look at a few historical moments and the way in which modern media types might have reported them:

How do you think Anderson Cooper would have handled the assassination of Julius Caesar? Besides demanding to conduct all interviews with Brutus and the other accused Senators, in the Roman Baths
.
Or Leslie Stahl on Women’s Suffrage, actually Leslie probably marched with them.

How about Rosie O’Donnell weighing in on the Irish Potato Famine, oh we could have only been so lucky as to have had Rosie “on location” for that one.

Or the great Chris Mathews handling the Charlie Manson murders.