Mutiny on the High Plains.

Well unlike Mike Leach at Texas Tech, we are back. Forgive the long hiatus, but the holidays, bowl games and special team melt-downs can keep a man in the proverbial dark shed for a while. Yes it’s true, as this is being prepared, the semi-lunatic pirate want-to-be in Lubbock has finally succumbed to mutiny and been forced to walk his own plank. This is just another rung on the ever growing ladder of Texas Tech decisions that leaves the rest of the semi-interested world scratching their collective heads. Outside of rampant STD’s Tech finally had something that put them on the national map of relevance. Mike Leach love him or hate him, made the Red Raiders a very formidable foe on the grid-iron. Even the gimmick hire of Bob Knight couldn’t steal the spot light from the chubby Vince Gill look a like. All of this was brought about by the reported “whining” of one Adam James, WR/TE, son of Craig James, lazy worker and all around d-bag. Adam was ordered to spend his practice time in a dark shed/garage due to a mild-concussion. But like it’s been said before one mans shed is another mans garage, regardless the one truth is, whether it was a shed or garage, it was not suitable for Adam and the silver shovel he’s been served off of his entire life. Congratulations James family, Father Craig (after a brilliant high school career leading Houston TX juggernaut Stratford HS to the ’78 state championship) was involved in one of college Footballs “darkest” moments, when he and fellow badass, Eric Dickerson, took so much money, coke, cars and women at SMU, that the NCAA gave them the dreaded Death Penalty, thus completely ruining the schools football program for the better part of 3 decades. And now Adam has managed, in Mike Leach, to get the best thing to happen to Texas Tech since penicillin fired. One can only assume if Adam hasn’t been flogged to death by print time in the Alamo Dome locker room, that he probably won’t be welcomed in to any other program with open arms. Oh and was it mentioned that if Mike Leach was still the Head Coach of the Red Raiders on 12/31/09 he was due an $800K bonus. That’s right all the genius in Lubbock got together and decided to save the University $800,000.00 by firing Leach 1 day before the bonus was to be earned. Congrats Tech enjoy your slide back into obscurity, tell Baylor hi when you get there.

And to all you idiots out there that will celebrate this bowl season by at some point chanting SEC, SEC at a game or even worse a bar, you my non-friend are an ass-hat. That’s like cheering for the guy on Biggest Loser, just b/c it’s a guy. With that you are saying that you would rather have another skinny dude on the streets rather than a recently skinny chick, with possible esteem issues. Again I tell you that you are an idiot.

Eye-yie-yie of the Tiger....

Tiger it’s one thing to go out on one leg and win our nations most prestigious golf prize, but we must say your latest feat is truly one of a kind.

Seriously how on earth can you hit two stationary objects in your own driveway and darn near total an Escalade all the while never exceeding 33 mph?!! We know you are half Asian, but this begs the question, is the driving gene that dominant? So if you got your mother’s driving genes that means you surely got something ethnic specific from your father as well. Hmmmm…. Maybe this is why about 14 girls are claiming affairs with you. Just saying.

Look, do us all a favor, you have proven that you are at least half human with your latest escapades, now go out and fire a couple 83’s at the next few majors and we will all feel better about you and your antics.

Finally this makes a wise old quote make complete sense, we just had no idea the Tiger frequented Dudley’s Draw in College Station TX, and with a sharpie no less.
“No matter how hot she is, someone, somewhere is sick of her shit” – Eldrick W.

L$who falls victim to one of their own, and Mack goes public as NAMBLA's newest spokesman.

Thank you doLes w/ more Miles, you sir have made us here at The Levee look a genius once again. Here lately pundits have given Bobby Bowden a hard time for “maybe” not exactly knowing what is going on during the waning seconds of a game, but you know what you fraud, you are 30 years Bobby’s junior. Your only excuse is what we all have known, and that is that you are a football moron! While watching you douche the Ole Missy game, the thing that added enjoyment to our pleasure, was listening to your Al Gore-ish rationale during the multiple post game interviews; that was absolutely nothing short of football folly purple and gold. It seems the ball boys were the only ones you forgot to blame for your abortion of a coaching job. Michigan is dealing with two consecutive years with a losing record, but you know what, all the Michigan Men around the world will wake up tomorrow grateful that you turned down that job. Here at The Levee, we take no glory in the public flogging of another mortal, but this next week we will enjoy your media lynching.

Can ESPN give Cosro and Holtz their elastic band wrist watches and send them on their way please? These two Social Security thieves need to hire realtors in Flagstaff and start enjoying their golden years. Corso can’t complete a sentence on Gameday anymore, and without the stretch of context clues, no one would have a clue to what he is referencing 80% of the time, and Dr. Lou’s Notre Dame infatuation is borderline a friable offense. Someone please remind him he works for ESPN not NBC, plus the on set camera men or tired of having to wear ponchos in studio!

And while we are at it can someone remind Mack Brown that senior night is a football game not a debutant ball, and that calling timeouts to show your man boy love crush on McCoy, Shipley etc… is not necessary. Mack, if you want to spend that much time in close confines with those two, jump on their bass boat sometime. Because there at best they can only get 18 feet away from you. Plus there will be plenty of poles on board to keep you occupied.

“Talent is hitting a target that no one else can; Genius is hitting a target no one else sees.”

Just die already Maj. hASSHanOLE. The Levee's Locks 11/14. YTD: 24-20

News out of San Antonio is that the whack job Army Psychiatrist, Major Nidal Malik Hasan, who killed and injured dozens of soldiers at Ft. Hood, is currently and going to remain paralyzed from the waist down. That begs only one question……What the $*@& are you going to do with those 72 virgins now you worthless piece of camel dung. May you get a wheel-chair with square wheels and a nasty staph infection to boot. Forgive the rant, just needed to get that off the chest.

It seems like just yesterday it was August and all were eagerly awaiting the upcoming season and the glory that it could hold. Now reality has checked in and ain’t leaving any time soon, so we have had to deal with it accordingly. With that let us take a look at The Levee’s Locks for week 11.

1 Trina:

Neb -3.5 v Kansas – The Jayhawks have lost their last 4 straight up and against the spread. Nebraska is coming off a huge win over OU, having held the Sooners to 3 points. It appears that the Jayhawks have shifted focus to basketball a few weeks early, all though being pre-season #1 might have that affect.

Oklahoma St. – 3.5 v Texas Tech – Just feel like the Pokes are the better team here. Tech is 1-2 on the road and Ok. St. is 4-2 at home. Other than that all we know is that both schools foster coaches with the propensity to indulge in adult beverages and there should be a lot of fun coeds at the game if nothing else.

Clemson -8 v NC State – Clemson was favored by more and won by more to a better FSU team last week. Only thing I can think is the “trap” game with the hated South Carolina Gamecocks right around the corner for the Tigers.

2 Trinas:

Houston – 4.5 v Central Florida – This line jumped out like strange bump in the nether regions. UH has the most prolific offense in football and beat better teams by more points.

By associating with wise people you will become wise yourself – Menander.

Here’s to champagne wishes and caviar dreams!

Is that one, it looks like it's moving........no, that's still the fence post!

No it wasn’t the H1N1 or any other physical ailment that can be blamed for the lack of attention shown to you devoted Levee Lackeys. It was indeed a much more serious condition, one that affects many this time of year. It strikes with full-warning, can become expensive to handle and can provide pure joy or udder defeat. Yes, it was a case of “buck fever”. This bug has bitten many and will for years to come. It will literally drive men crazy, causing them to spend hours upon hours in the truck, alone; hours upon hours in the woods, alone and days upon days at the deer camp, with 3 times the red meat and beer he needs, alone. Many of implement has been made to the once barbaric deer camp, the refrigerator/freezer, the microwave, the electric blanket and the satellite television to name a few, but many, the Smoking A Ranch in particular, are still internet-less. And that explains the neglect. But enough brisket, pulled pork, Coors lights and midnight spins on the mule, with a 1 million candle power spot-light, can make one forget about surfing the web real fast. So to those of you stuck in your concrete jungle this opening weekend, accept this apology and try to find a place to spend next years opening weekend. Let us now get caught up on the Levee’s Locks and preview a few games of interest for this (11/14) weekend.

The Levee went 1-1 two weeks ago with A&M’s Aggies handling the Cyclones of Iowa State with little trouble. Sure would make one think that heading into Boulder to become bowl eligible a week later would be a gimme for the Ags….. On the other hand the Cal Bears sure as heck did get caught in that “trap” game and had to come from behind to squeak past the Arizona State Sun Devils. Another “Golden” reason to never put your faith and/or hard earned capital in the hands of hippies. That brings the season total to 24-20, hitting at 54%. Still a great spot to be in.

Some games of note this weekend (11/14).

Utah @ TCU – All the sudden TCU is sitting #4 in the BCS with the # 16 ranked Utes coming to Ft. Worth. Perhaps they should open up Amon Carter Stadium to veterans for this game to try and eclipse the 40K attendance mark. Should be a good one, TCU is coming in as a 17.5 favorite, but that line is up to 20 at some places. Either get on the Frogs yesterday or wait until 2 minutes prior to kick-off and take the Utes if the line has climbed much more.

Texas @ Baylor – Can Texas cover a big spread, more importantly are the Horns pissed enough from getting jumped by Bama in the BCS, for not throttling UCF enough, to try and go out and obliterate Baylor. It might not matter; Baylor just went on the road and worked over a decent Mizzou team. There will be more burnt orange in Floyd Casey Stadium than Green and Gold, but that has become expected. Expect BU to let it all hang out, as much as they can without getting expelled from school that is, to try and cover the 23.5 points. It might not take much versus Texas’s 1 dimensional offense, but the Horns D can score as much as many offenses. Can’t wait to not watch this one.

Florida @ South Carolina – It’s always fun watching a Spurrier team play, even more fun when they are playing each other. The Gamecocks will go down, but they will go down in blaze, and their D isn’t bad and could force Florida to do something other than Tebow left, Tebow right, Tebow air it out and hope for PI. Will Florida continue to play it close to the vest, waiting on the SEC Championship or will they try and give Saban and crew more to think about in film session? Who knows, who cares just cover a line over 2 TD’s please.

“Ask what my country can do for me, not what I can do for my country.” - POTUS

More proof of the SEC producing superior athletes and even worse human beings.

POS of the weekend award goes to Brandon Spikes.
- If karma is for real; you sir will sadly lose your own eye sight and never see any of your illegitimates ever again.

Rules with a limp wrist award goes to Urban Meyer.
- For suspending Brandon "I use my fingers like" Spikes for only the first half of next weeks Vanderbilt game. If karma is for real; your house will be robbed and ransacked with all valuables stolen, but the case will remain cold and unsolved for eternity.

These kind of antics would sure make me want to start chanting "SEC! SEC!" as a Bama/LSU/Auburn/Tenn/Ark/Miss etc. fan watching Florida win the MNC. Seriously, pull for your team or STFU!

**Disclaimer** - The Levee does not believe in karma, just paying it forward.....

Elizabeth find a ramp, we'll be in the hot tub. The Levee's Locks 10/31. YTD:23-19.

Do you know what Jennifer Aniston, Charles Barkley, Jessica Simpson, LC from the Hills, Elizabeth Taylor, Pamela Anderson, Dennis Rodman, Christie Brinkley, Brad Pitt and The Levee have in common? No it has nothing to do with the executive suite at The Wynn in Las Vegas, damn Elizabeth Taylor and that wheel chair and the Wynn’s complete disregard for ADA compliance, otherwise oh brother! But I digress. What all of these have in common is their uncanny ability to rebound. Whether it be rebounding a ball, a set of balls or simply coming back from an unsatisfactory weekend of handicapping to go an impressive 3-1. That’s right we are back to hitting at 54% and that’s winning my friend. So like Elizabeth Taylor told hubby’s 1-5 “let’s try and keep it up this time!” here are this weeks locks.

Haven’t you heard the recession is almost over, so F the 1 Trina’s we are playing with house money!

2 Trinas:

Texas A&M – 6.5 v. Iowa State – The Aggies are coming off a huge win against the Red Raiders of Texas Tech. And on the other side Iowa St. is coming of an even bigger (for their programs sake) win at Lincoln. Iowa St. was helped with 8 crucial turnovers by Nebraska, a few while they were literally going into score. Look for the Ags to have this covered by the 3rd qtr. And look for me to be swinging through the Cork and then to the house.

Cal – 6.5 v. Arizona St. – Not sure what is going on with this line, could be a “trap” game for the Golden Bears, but ASU is pretty bad and the Pac 10 isn’t exactly sown up yet. Jahvid Best might have 5 touchdowns himself and ASU might not score. Recommendation to anyone going to this one, find the ASU coeds it will serve you much better than the Cal coeds.

Remember it’s nice to be important, but more important to be nice….

Here’s to champagne wishes and caviar dreams!

Like Coach like fan. A boat full of idiots.

There is that fear of the inmates running the institution, and understandably that should be a fear, but along those same lines is a fear that grips Chancellors, Athletic Directors, Regents, Boosters, Alumni and School Presidents across the nation. The fear of a coach bolstering an image and persona that makes themselves bigger than the school. With that, please meet Mike Leach, Head coach of the Texas Tech University football team. Real quick, do you remember Danny Devito in Twins? When he and Arnold Schwarzenegger were twin brothers and the doctors referred to Devito as the “left over crap,” trying to atone for the glaring differences in character, moral code, stature and appearance. It is fair to say that somewhere there has to be another Leach brother; he might be hard to spot because of his put together appearance, his way of articulating charismatically, his apparent self-respect, his upbeat demeanor and his ability to paint clear pictures with his words. Either way, Tech has not only been left with the “left over crap” but they have allowed this dung heap to place himself and his bender inspired agenda above that of the Universities. What started as mad scientist antics on the football field, that really did have the pundits raving, has morphed into lunacy and embarrassment. His blatant disrespect for, well just about everything not him, has sky rocketed; his knack to, without so much a pause, throw his own players under the bus is nothing short of moronic and his ability to high-jack a fan base and guide them down the road of disgust from across the nation should have him packing his bags. One, 10 year win season can’t justify what he has done to the reputation of this once proud School on the high plains.

If you had a son being recruited to play football at the Division 1 level and this is what you witnessed on a recruiting visit, would you feel good about sending your son there to become a man? It’s hard to say if the fans once again turning on their own, after he sustained a concussion a few weeks earlier while trying to lead “their” team to victory, by chanting “no more Potts” or the coach publicly calling out his lack of ability in the press conference after the game, which of these would have a more detrimental effect on a college athlete.

Sports venues get their reputations based on their environment and its affect on the road teams chance to do well there. Good fans make it hard by being loud and knowledgeable, like getting louder as they see the QB having trouble getting his cadence out or hollering at the guy that is 0-12 to “shoot it” every time he touches the ball. These fan bases build up a reputation and are respected for what they bring to help their team win. Bad fans are fans that pour strawberry kool-aid on a team as they run onto the field, if you laughed at that you have the maturity of a 17 year old, congratulations. Bad fans tear up their own stadium, they boo their own team and they take pride in acting like buffoons. There is an old saying that relates directly to sportsmanship and it goes “Cheer for your team and for your team to do well, don’t cheer for the other team to do badly.” Easier said than done.

Dear Sirr Mix-a-lot: Speak for yourself! The Levee's Locks 10/24. YTD: 20-18.

The President has decided that he should have the authority to set and cap Wall Street executive’s salaries and bonuses. I guess when you have lost the ability to tell your wife that she really doesn’t need that 4th bear claw or remind her that a 20 piece is usually meant to be split, you have to flex your authoritative muscle somewhere. Kudos Barry, you are successfully eliminating competition amongst the best financial institutions, the same institutions that we all count on for productivity and increase in some capacity, and at the same time your better half has doubled her lower half in 6 months. Maybe she should take up smoking or basketball; it seems to work for you. Or maybe it’s the stress of running the greatest most powerful country on the planet, right into the ground, maybe that will curb a mans appetite. With that, it is the Levee’s honor and duty to help these under financed financiers recoup some of those lost wages. Let us now take a look at this week Levee’s Locks.

1 Trina:

Georgia Tech -5.5 v. UVA – Ga. Tech just handled the then #5 team in the country, Va. Tech. UVA is very close to DC, and DC is full of suck-bags. So Karma and Irony are on their way to do a little dishing.

Minnesota + 16.5 v. the Ohio State – the Ohio State just lost to the Purdue. Many tOSU fans feel the Tyrell Pryor (QB) needs to see the bench or the wide receiver position. Either way look for the Golden Gophers to be well inside the number.

Oklahoma St. -9.5 v. Baylor – Ok State just beat a decent, much better than Baylor, Mizzou team by 16. Baylor just got rabbit punched by Iowa St, 24-10. There should be ~18,000 fans, all tripping on sugar highs, at Floyd Casey in Waco on Saturday, but it won’t matter much. Ok State is looking to get all the kinks out before their showdown with Texas next weekend, sorry Baylor you are once again relegated to dress-rehearsal status. Don’t act like you’ve never been there either.

2 Trinas:

Oregon St + 21 v. USC – O State has beaten SC 2 out of the last 3 years. SC is looking to just keep winning, not blow anyone out. O State has talent that can hang with SC, just as Washington and ND did.


Take this and put it to good use. Or regurgitate it at a bar tonight, as if you know something, and see where it gets you.

Here’s to champagne wishes and caviar dreams!

Weekend recap, night cap, or whatever you want to call it.

Real quickly, the Levee went 1-2 last weekend, bringing the YTD to 20-18. Still winning but would like more cushion. Relax there are as many winners this week as there are games played. We will address this later.

A few quick thoughts on Ole Miss and Oxford:

- An absolutely beautiful campus and town
- The square has everything one could want/need on a game day or any day really
- Sweater vests are still in demand
- When you think you have been in the car forever and are getting close, you’re not
- Jeans aren’t terribly popular
- North Face is terribly popular
- The Grove is a people watchers Mecca
- Four guys in pea coat jackets sitting together at a football game is not a coincidence
- Ole Miss claims to be the Harvard of the South, pretty sure there’s a pending lawsuit
- It’s a hidden jewel, very much off of the beaten path

Some quick thoughts on the weekend’s games:

- The Aggies of Texas A&M should have been made to walk home from Manhattan KS
- Sam Bradford should sue Bob Stoops or demand a $5 mil per year job from OU for life
- the Ohio State is in trouble with Pryor at QB
- The SEC is a cheating, whining mess
- Colt McCoy needs to drop the awe shucks act
- The refs that called LSU/UGA and FLA/ARK games have been suspended for 3 weeks


Check back later for the Levee’s Locks, or don’t. You can play and reap it, or you can just talk about it and reap nothing but regret. All the while trying to fit in and put on the show by simply trying to make your wife think you are something other than that guy she see’s leave every morning, all the while you both know that that’s really all you are. It’s your funeral…..

Stay thirsty my friends….

Why is your Sprite brown? The Levee's Locks 10/17. YTD: 19-16.

It could be said that the vacuum sealer revolutionized the ability to freeze food items in a manner that would have it tasting as good the day it was frozen as it will 2 years later. And this thought has merit, but what the vacuum sealer has really revolutionized is College Football. Camel Bak was onto something with their liquid holding bladders, but it was only a matter of time before this idea was improved upon. They say necessity is the catalyst for invention and there was no doubting the need here. The need you ask, getting your beverage de jour into the ball game undetected and easily accessible. The time line of booze smuggling goes roughly something like this, the 5th bottle, the standard hard flask (groomsmen gift variety), the plastic flask to avoid metal detectors, the mini shooters, the soft sided flask and now the vacuum sealed pre-mixed beverage or just a simple 2-3 shot packet. Somewhere Che Guevara is applauding this epic revolution. But I digress. Why is this all the sudden relevant in week 7? Because this week the Levee will venture to the land where 9 out of 10 can differentiate, with just a passing glance, between a real or fake Louie, where tap water in a Fiji water bottle can be detected simply by sight and where the football game plays second fiddle to the hob knobbing of The Grove. That’s right Oxford bound and looking forward to see if the stereotypes hold water or if it’s the result of much seersucker envy.

There are a few games that The Levee likes this week, but not many, so here we go.

1 Trina:

UH -16 v. Tulane – The Cougs are a tough team to figure out, but when they put it all together they are flat out a tough team. Conversely Tulane isn’t a tough team. Look for Houston to take out some pent up Katrina revenge on the New Orleans residing Green Wave.

Navy -7 v. SMU – This is solely based off of Navy almost beating the Ohio St. and knowing that SMU doesn’t have Craig James or Eric Dickerson toting the rock. Unfortunately for both teams, especially SMU, they will lose most of their fans to another game going on in Dallas this Saturday. Good planning!

2 Trinas:

The Ohio St. -13 v. Purdue – tOSU is the front runner for the Big 10 title, with late season tests against Penn St. and Iowa. But they will toy with Purdue before putting them away by 3 scores.

Always leave them wanting more….

Here’s to champagne wishes and caviar dreams!

Step aside Metro's the Yuppies and Necks are coming to town. The Red River Rivalry '09.

Reason # 76 to be thankful you don’t call Dallas home - The Red River Rivalry.

This is the week that you find out your lawn man attended Texas and that scantily clad bar wench went to OU or that over zealous co-worker from Kansas that went to Pittsburgh State owns 3 Texas coaches polos. It’s amazing how these die hard alumni keep their allegiances hidden so well the other 51 weekends of the year. Or 50 if either is playing in a big time bowl game, which has been occurring quite frequently of late. On one October weekend, once a year, Dallas is invaded from every conceivable direction by rabid Horns and overconfident Sooners. And so begins the annual shenanigans that remind non horn and sooner fan why he moved his family to Plano. Bar’s conduct contests as if it was Spring Break and they've tranfsormed into Louie’s Backyard. There is even a Tug-a-plane contest this year put on by Southwest Airlines, pitting a group of Horns versus a group of Sooners to see who can pull the plane the furthest. After the officials explain to the Sooner team that it is an airplane and not John Deere’s newest wheat combine, you have to think that they will out pull their soft handed counterparts. The only certainty is that the Levee will neither know nor care how this one plays out. Bars will be rented out by different student and alumni groups, thus forcing the regulars and locals to retreat to Addison and slum it up. There will be a run on the metallic car logos of each university, as if this run hadn’t already happened, like every May, August and December (graduation). The DFW residing alumni of each school will “reconnect” with old college buddies that they hadn’t heard from since, well college. Horn fans will pull out their most obnoxious burnt orange attire and feel the need to where it everyday of the week leading up to the game. While Sooner fans have put off the last hay cutting and bailing of the fall in anticipation as well. The State Fair of Texas will be in full swing, catering to just one of the at least two dozen state's Universities and to the state school of another state, makes perfect sense! Cabbies are already hiking their fares, knowing that no self-respecting Texas fan would dare park his 5-series in Fair Park, while Sooner fans say I dare you to F with my super duty 4x4. There are a few good things about this year’s game, first, it’s an 11am kick-off meaning there won’t be an entire days worth of suffering through Brent Musburger’s promos about a dramatic tale of two fabled teams destine for an epic battle of the ages and somehow incorporating Colt McCoy and Jordan Shipley’s bass fishing fetishes blah blah blah. Secondly the schools split the stands in half at the 50, both teams getting an end zone, this provides free entertainment because when one team scores in the other teams end zone, it invokes wild “we better dan you” celebrations, all the while whipping the many celebutards roaming the sideline on both the OU side and the Texas side into a freenzy. Finally the best part of this game is that one team will lose. This game also has the ability to spawn some creative folly, like theses guys or these MC's. In our best Nancy Kerrigan cry/whine we ask; Why? Why? Why? Why now? Why us? Why?

Smells fishy and it's not Michelle this time.

They say if you give a man a fish, you have fed him for a night but if you teach a man to fish you have fed him for a lifetime. Obviously this was not part of any curriculum in the multitude of schools/churches were Barry O received his lessons as a child, and for sure not in the hallowed halls of Harvard or its esteemed law school. As well it is highly unlikely that many kids in Chicago are learning the values of the other education, the outdoors kind. And by outdoors education we don’t mean beating another teen to death with a fence post, which recently happened in a South side Chicago neighborhood. We mean the education that teaches respect, accountability, appreciation, confidence and most importantly a love of the outdoors and all it offers. What most enviro’s don’t realize is that the majority of outdoorsmen are in some form or fashion environmentalist themselves. Not the climb a tree and live in it types, rather the climb a tree to hunt from types, all the while following and respecting natures rules, the governments regulations and most importantly their own ethical and moral conscious about what is right and what is wrong. A good outdoorsman takes what he needs and uses what he takes. They follow seasonal guidelines, size restrictions, bag limits, all the while paying handsomely to do so in the form of licenses, permits and equipment to name a few. The direct by-product of all these expenditures is job creation and money being spent in all arenas directly related to the outdoors. The president in his slight of hand way is currently trying to literally do a complete face transfer on outdoor, especially fishing, policy. Sweeping policy change that would affect the weekend warrior, the seasoned salt and the commercial grinder. It is just now getting radio air time and making its way around the web. Whether you fish for recreation, for a living or just enjoy knowing that your husband likes to fish, this policy reform is detrimental to all. The sheer numbers of potential job loss is unfathomable; the sharp increase in equipment prices will force people out of the business and force others to find new hobbies all together. More than anything it is the latest attempt by this government to permanently become a fixture in your homes and your garages in this case.

Feds to 60 Million American Anglers: We don't need you.

Sleep-LES in Baton Rouge, what a yawner!

What did we learn after the first full weekend of conference play?

- The SEC needs to get over itself already.

- Jevan Snead 4 interceptions against Alabama (hard to win a Heisman or a game for that matter with those stats).

- LSU’s inability to score a touchdown at home as the #4 ranked team in the country.

- doLes with more Miles going for a field goal instead of the TD, knowing his O hadn’t sniffed the end zone all game. Did he really think 3 points was going to be enough to send it to OT or was he just ensuring no skunk?

- Vanderbilt loosing to Army!

- LSU/Florida playing one of the more boring games of the season.

- Auburn getting ranked and then immediately getting blown out by Arkansas.

- Tennessee looking like the Vols of yesteryear in their romp of preseason top 10 UGA.

- Alabama and Florida have the two best defenses in the land and the two best teams for that matter, but watching Florida’s offense is like watching a c-section. You know the end result is going to be good, but the process is unnatural, painful and awkward.

- And for the rest of the country.

- We had said Texas isn’t playing like the #2 team in the country and finally the AP aggress, dropping the Horns to #3, after a lackluster effort against a bad Colorado team.

- Texas A&M literally handed Ok. State the game. An interception through the hands of freshmen CB Dustin Harris, which just happened to harmlessly fall into the waiting hands of a Cowboy receiver for a score was the difference in a 36-31 game. Plus a dropped TD on 4th and goal by QB/TE/FB Jamie McCoy.

- Oklahoma needed all 60 minutes to dispose of and cover against Baylor. Bradford looked rusty and wasn’t helped by multiple drops. Better get it straightened out before the Texas game this weekend.

- The Big 10 is still such a beating to watch. Iowa/Michigan on ABC trying to go head to head with LSU/Florida on CBS was a tough task. Even though that game turned out to be 10X as entertaining. That’s like putting anything against “CHiPs” in the 9am Fox slot on summer mornings in the '80s; it just wasn’t going to work out well.

- Who says you can’t lose your starting spot because of injury? Don’t tell Texas Tech back-up QB, Steven Sheffield, who was filling in for injured Taylor Potts. Sheffield threw for 490 yards and 7 touchdowns in the Red Raiders hammering of Kansas State. I am sure # 5, 6, and 7 were completely necessary. Sounds like a captain on a wobbly ship trying to put up some style points.

The Levee came back down to earth a bit this weekend, going a very pedestrian 3-4. Over all the numbers still look good at 19-16 or ~54%. Hey even Chuck Norris got bloodied up occasionally.

The Levee's Locks 10/10. YTD: 16-12

Not sure if it’s the nasty weather, the sloppy football game between Neb and Mizzou that was suffered through last evening, or the need to stay up and watch Justin Leonard lip out a 3 footer on 18 for the match win and a point in the President’s Cup, or possibly the wife catching the 5:30am flight to Newark, but something has the Levee feeling a bit stirred, not shaken today. Well, that was until I realized that the wife had indeed caught the 5:30am flight to Newark, meaning I have ~48 hours to undo all that was done by Mary the maid this week and can more importantly watch 36 straight hours of football without feeling obligated to periodically check the E entertainment channel to figure out which Kardashian sister needed a PR boost and decided to got married or pregnant. Plus my main man “Buckshot” Gus went under the knife last weekend, so a little father/K-4½ bonding should do wonders for his shaky self-confidence. Speaking of confidence, does anyone know the record for most deliveries to the same house within a 48 hour period for Papa John’s? This is a question not a riddle, regardless it could be in jeopardy this weekend. So with that said let us dive feet first, always in the shallow end or any unmarked or muddy waters, of this weekend’s college football slate and see where the smart money is.

A country and western singer once sang about the virtues of a good gambler, and his/her ability to stay astute to the situation at hand and make decisions accordingly. One nugget of wisdom was knowing when to walk away, or in our case back off some plays, which could ultimately be the difference between getting new rims or having to fire the maid. Always remember the need for action is the house/books secret silent weapon. But this same singer also referred to himself and his love interest as two islands in a stream, Whiskey Tango Foxtrot! Just take all of this with a grain of salt and own any decision you make.

1 Trina:

Kansas -16.5 v. Iowa St. – Not inferring that KU is that good, but am inferring that Iowa St. is that bad. After Mizzou going down to Nebraska last night, the Jayhawks feel like the Big XII North is between them and the Huskers. Look for Reesing to have a big day, particularly with their RB a little banged up. Behind any game Syracuse plays in, this might be the most unattractive game on the schedule, and were not talking about the coeds either. This game will be best viewed on the scrolling ticker or in Sunday’s paper.

Alabama -4 v. Ole Miss – This line has moved up and down more than that Ole Miss Sorority girl is going too tonight. Everyone is on Ole Miss, which naturally would tell you to get on Bama. But that is not the only reason Bama is the play here. Bama will have one of its chief SEC rivals (LSU/Florida) enter Sunday with a conference loss and they don’t won’t to be in whichever team (LSU) that might be’s company. Plus Ole Miss hasn’t looked good at all and for sure hasn’t been tested by the speed and athleticism coming to Oxford tomorrow. Memo to Grove patrons, you’ll probably want to pull out the faux silver and china for this one, Bama fans have sticky fingers if you know what I mean.

Vandy -10 v. Army – The flight of the Commodores continues this week. We had to lay off last week, but whether good or bad for Vandy, they have been good to the Levee. This has all to do with Army struggling mightily this year, they’ve lost to Tulane and been blown out by perennial juggernauts Iowa State and Duke. But on behalf of The Levee we thank the cadets for their current and future service to our country. Where else could I be typing a blog, earning a pay check all while our country is fighting two wars? Only in America baby!

Iowa -7 v. Michigan – Not sure why there is so much focus on the football hotbed that is the state of Iowa, but smart money is blind, and thank goodness because the scenery ain’t much up there. And I like to look at row crops if you follow me here. Iowa is playing good football and Michigan is not. Tate Forcier is still banged up and they have had high level emotional and physical games the past few weeks. Iowa will get a big road win in the big house.

Colorado +33.5 v. Texas – Had to find a dog to get on. That’s a gaming term, so please let’s re-focus here. Texas will win by 3 maybe even 4 touchdowns, but not by 5. Don’t be surprised to see the Horns looking ahead to the fried Twinkie show down in Garland TX next weekend.

2 Trinas:

Oklahoma – 25.5 v. Baylor – Even with RGIII, Baylor doesn’t sniff this number. Bradford or Jones again no matter, in fact for good times sake they ought to run The Boz back out at middle linebacker and let him crack on some Baptists. OU looks to warm up for the crucial fried snicker fest next weekend.

Auburn -2.5 v. Arkansas – Auburn put up huge numbers on a Tennessee defense that smothered the #1 ranked Florida Gators. Arkansas put up pedestrian numbers on an A&M defense that couldn’t smother the common kitchen fire. Arky has been up and down the road over the last 4-5 weeks, they are tired, miss their trailers and hide-a-way sofa beds; look for an energized Auburn team to continue to build momentum.

As always, don’t forget to tip your servers. If you see a Papa John’s delivery guy looking lost, send him my way and remember do as The Levee does, always pass it forward.

Here’s to champagne wishes and caviar dreams!

College football, fajitas, covering spreads, botanas, palapas.... Is this Heaven?

Let us toast another workman like effort from the Levee’s handicappers; hitting 4 of 7 plays this week brings the YTD season total to a respectful, semi-envious, 16-12, that’s 57%, you’re still making ching. Now don’t go calling Morton’s just yet, but feel free to start thinking about that savory first bite into a piping hot, medium rare, bone-in-ribeye. That burst of flavorful juices created solely from blood and broken down connective tissue, man aren’t we refined. But I digress, so how about we look at some high/low points from the weekend and quickly preview some intriguing match-ups for week 6.

LSU as predicted went between the hedges to knock off UGA, setting up this week’s showdown with the #1 Gators in Baton Rouge. LSU is still overrated, but don’t blame the bayou bengals for merely being survivors in this season of top 5 attrition. But for everything else feel free to hold worthLes Miles directly responsible. Remember it is in his contract to single handedly snatch defeat from the jaws of victory against at least one SEC after thought. By the way Tebow will play, the concussion probably caused brain cells to split, thus in his case doubling his previous cache.

Memo to Boomer Sooner fan - “You’re not done losing this season.” Like many an attack against the red man, there is no telling when and where defeat is coming from but just know that more is coming.

The difference between coaches and good coaches is the ability to put players in a position so that their strengths can be an asset. Equally important is seeing the flow of a game and on the fly, having the ability to make adjustments. Anyone who watched the Southwest Classic at Meadowlands West this past Saturday night knows exactly what is being referenced here. And like 98% of Saturday nights in Arlington TX, this one was menstrual esque, and should be flushed from the memory and never spoken off again.

Houston’s Metro busses hummed to a somber tone this week. After weeks of excited University of Houston commuters talking about beating Oklahoma State and then pulling off the shocker against Texas Tech, their beloved Cougs went into the Sun Bowl and got handled easily by the Miners of UTEP. Personal thanks to the Cougars, now we will all have to stomach another season of hearing about the proverbial “hang-over” game. Oddly enough it is now obviously clear that UTEP had been overlooking Texas for this premier math-up against UH.

The Levee’s recent Texican musings:

If a diorama of a city block, in the Rio Grand Valley of Texas, were being made, here are the items that need to be replicated to achieve authenticity: 17 cars pre-‘94, 8 leery lurkers, tires, signs, benches, fences, dogs, sinks, un-sea worthy boats, posters, flashing lights, banners, 3 strollers, 2 couches, cats, more tires, 2 taco stands, trash, debris, even more tires, 2 cows, chairs, bar b q pits, recliners, refrigerators, more dogs, telephone polls (both erect and strewn), lawn mower, guy standing w/ ice cream cart, and 3 girls pushing and carrying babies.

The mastery of the cocina by our southern neighbors continues to impress. The sheer thought of putting that much flavor and effort into so much, grade: barely-edible, meat de la vaca is nothing short of magical. One encounter with the infamous La Botana platter will leave even the most sinister of food snobs begging for pequeño más. El trabajo bueno mis amigos, el trabajo bueno!

Apparently we are in the midst of the Great Grass revolt of 2009. In arguably one of the most fertile areas for Lawn Mowing Maestros and Grass Cutting Gauchos in all the land, yard after yard locked abandoned. What fuels such irony? Is it like the swim coach that won’t get in the pool? Is it a fear of allegedly possessing the skills to be masterful, but the inherent fear of not living up to unrealistic expectations? That’s got to be it; most certainly this is the mental dilemma Juan battles daily.

El Valle is grand, not quite God’s country as some suggest, but an American treasure no doubt. As many “up-country” folk fear the H1N1 flu virus, they sit under las palapas enjoying a breezy 75 degree evening, more than likely with doped up skirt steak sizzling!

Week 4 thoughts and The Levee Locks10/3. YTD:12-9.

It is a bit early to be so brash and throw out the locks of the week on a mere Tuesday evening, but in reality when you read this it will be Wednesday, even actually Thursday in Tonga and Fiji, where more than a few outriggers of NCAA football talent have descended from. So because of an early wheels up beckoning, and no guarantee of internet access in Northern Mexico, The Levee has selected its locks and jumped on early favorable lines and we recommend you do the same. But first let us quickly recap week 4 and the illegitimate child it threw into last weeks seemingly “happy marriage.”

Penn St. v. Iowa – How has Joe Pa angered Hawkeye nation so much to the point that 2 years running they have ruined what are supposed to be his golden years?

Cal v. Oregon – What a better way to follow up a Heisman type performance by a Jahvid Best than to go get humiliated by the wounded Ducks of Oregon. Only way it could have been worse is if some Berkley Bear hippie found themselves KO’d after the game and it not having been the result of falling out of a giant Redwood or a green tea overdose.

Texas Tech v. UH – The Levee said it would be a battle between oneself and what that one see's in the mirror. And it was, now Houston’s Cougars have that feel of a team jumping in the HOV lane on I-10, but with not enough passengers. They are speeding ahead like Cole Trickle, before the wreck and brain tremors. Mike Leach and his system met its match by way of a bunch of commuters that can flat out play ball. The fallout of this mess for Tech has been nothing short of awesome to sit back and watch. Since the game Leach has forced a few players to walk the plank that he might very soon find himself peering over the edge of.

Miami v. VA Tech – Honeymoons over Canes. Who would have thought that a bunch of hurricanes would have been so inept in a driving rain?

Let us now take a look at week 5. Conference play is coming into full swing and Barry O just announced that Cash for Victories is out of money, shocker. But you know who still has cash, is the books, and since The Levee decided not to participate in this recession, we feel obligated to go out and get more of it. Last weeks unworldly 5-2 mark has The Levee sitting at 12-9 YTD, that’s a winning percentage of 57%, remember little peons at 54% you are winning money, so be grateful and listen when daddy speaks. Here are some games to keep an eye on. Do what you will with the information provided.

1- Trina:

Washington +13.5 v. Notre Dame – ND wins this game outright, but not by two TD’s. Washington will use this next high profile game, since beating USC, to send a message that they are not a one hit wonder.

LSU +3 v. Georgia – LSU got caught looking ahead to UGA last week versus a determined, nothing to lose Miss St. team. With Florida, Bama and Ole Miss ahead LSU knows it’s either now or never to figure things out. If DoLes with more Miles can stay out of his own team’s way, LSU should win outright. The bayou bengals currently have more talent than UGA, and just need to handle a pressure packed, nationally televised SEC game. Again, as previously stated, LSU wins despite of Miles.

Texas Tech -35 v. New Mexico – Tech’s shortfalls have been well documented, and a mutiny might well be in the works, but Tech saw what Texas A&M did to the Lobos and will do whatever it takes to not be outscored by the lowly Aggie offense against the same defense. New Mexico has suffered both physical and emotional injuries lately and that’s just between coaches. This is a battle of who can hold it together longer. Tech will score at will.

2 – Trinas:

Alabama -15 v. Kentucky – Bama might be the best team in the country. And with Ole Miss looking so “poor” against South Carolina, Alabama need not fret Ole Miss, and won’t have a big game until the first week of Nov. when they square off against Florida. Alabama Quarterback McElroy has proven to be about as adequate as the great John Parker Wilson, meaning he doesn’t win games for the Tide, but equally he doesn’t lose games for the Tide. Alabama’s defense is as legit as The Levee suspected it to be about 6 weeks ago. Look for Bama to make a statement that they are the SEC’s bell cow team. Lord knows Saban is always looking for a chance to make a statement.

Ole Miss -8 v. Vandy – Disregard the “poor” Ole Miss comment above for this game against Vandy. And thanks Commodores for the ride, you’ve proven your worth and it’s been fun, but The Rebs will hand it to you on Saturday. Snead has had plenty of time to remember what color uniforms his team wears, remember he did play at Texas for a year, and that can be confusing to a young man, so look for high percentage passes. McCluster should be more involved in the offense and the Ole Miss defense is what’s holding them together right now. A classic battle of brains versus bankrolls should be entertaining. Ole Miss by at least two touch downs.

VA Tech – 13 v. Duke – Tech does not experience the hang over after a huge win. QB Tyrod Taylor is finding his groove and feels he has more to prove than a one time dethroning of Miami. The Hookies build off the momentum from last week and put Duke back in its football place.

Houston – 14 v. UTEP – See synopsis directly above and replace Tech/Hookies with Houston/Cougars and replace Duke with UTEP.

The pencils in Vegas are getting sharper; lines are finally getting to that point of justification on either side. You could sit on the sideline and watch and wish, or you could put yourself in the arena, exposing yourself to the possibility of both glory and defeat, the choice is yours, but no one wants to hear from that d-bag that claims he was going to do this or that, but……

So with that said remember this, in 125 years every single person living on the planet will be dead.

The Levee is not pessimistic, but realistic and sometimes the two get convoluted.

Here’s to champagne wishes and caviar dreams

The Levee's top 8 "Less than desired" moments in College Football, that have little to do with the game.

In the wake of recent college football goings on, let us take a look at some of the more, head scratching, what the hell were you thinking and damn your screwed, moments in college football and see how those of yester year stack up with those of yesterday/week.

In no particular order here is a compilation of oddities that have occurred on and of the field of our beloved college football.

1. The 1954 Cotton Bowl. Rice vs. Alabama – Bama bench warmer comes of the bench and tackles Rice’s half-back on what would have been a guaranteed touchdown run.

2. the Ohio State’s Woody Hayes literally trying to dot the “eye” of a Clemson defender during a game for the whole world to see. Essentially the only thing that Woody really punched was his own pink slip.

3. 1981 - Texas A&M Officer of the day, going Blackbeard on an unsuspecting SMU cheerleader. Somewhere in a Bud-heavy/pot haze a young Mike Leach was drawing inspiration.

4. 2003 Mizzou pulls the up-set over Nebraska at home and one Tiger fan wishes he would have stayed in the stands where fans are put for a reason. Kellen Hustun throws that punch that every male bar fly dreams of at some point. You know the one where the other guy is smaller, not looking and inebriated.

5. 2001, the High Plains near Lubbock Texas, the Red Raiders had just pounded a team they were favored to beat, by the unmerciful score of 12-0. So naturally the Tech fans tore down their goalposts and proceeded to march them across the field. To no ones surprise a brawl would ensue and from that day forward Texas Tech and their ineptness was known now not only to Texans but to an entire nation. Guns up!

6. The punch seen ‘round the world. Lagarrette Blunt goes Rocky Marciano on some Boise St. bench heater and at the same time officially ruins his chances of ever using football to better his already troubled life.

7. New Mexico new head man, Mike Locksley, got into a “heated argument” with wide receivers coach, Johnathan Gerald, resulting in Gerald suffering a ruffled lapel and a busted lip. There is no word on what caused the flare up, but having seen them play, the receiver routes are far from the Lobo’s main problem. Perhaps Coach Locksley has a phobia of men with two first names.

8. Back to the High Plains. Texas Tech coach Mike Leach has banned all twittering and other similar social networking abilities of his players. This came after a LB tweeted from a team meeting wondering why he had to be there when “the head coach can’t even be on time.” Said LB'er is no longer on the team. And local village idiot, Brandon Carter, has been suspended indefinitely for tweeting about the season not going as he had suspected. So painting your face like a 12yr old going as a Goth tranny for Halloween is normal, but loosing a few football games isn’t?

No doubt there are many more oddities and infamous moments that have taken place over the years, but based on regional biased these are what came out on top. If you are wondering where the Stanford/Cal band play is, please don’t ever look at this bog again.

Levee Locks 9/26. YTD: 7-7

Breaking news on the Sportscenter ticker, Ole Miss QB Jevan Sneed asking for a release from his scholarship and hoping to transfer, again. Just kidding, don’t get your seersuckers in a bunch Reb fans. But after last nights pitiful showing he might be wishing he was still Colt’s back-up or even wishing he had stayed with his original commitment where he’d be backing up Tebow right now, but who knows. As expected South Carolina put it all on the table last night and beat a clearly over rated #4 Ole Miss squad. An exciting game to start, what on paper, is not such an exciting weekend of college football, but we shall see. It was brought to The Levee’s attention that last week we were in fact 4-2 not 5-1, there were some line discrepancies in the LSU v. ULL game. So to you, that pointed out the error, thanks and now please go pick up that dry cleaning. That brings us to 7-7 on the year. 50% not bad at all, but to break even one needs to hit ~54% of their plays, to cover the juice. Let us now get straight into this weeks Levee’s Locks.

1 Trina:

Minnesota +1 v. Northwestern – Minn gave the #6 ranked Cal Bears fits last week for 3.5 quarters. Unless Gary Barnett is back in Chicago pulling miracles out of his wallet, I think the Golden Gophers win this game outright.

Tennessee -21 v. Ohio – Lane Kiffin and his Vols proved a lot last week, and he managed to do it without opening his mouth, at least publically for 60 minutes during their game at Florida. Yes they lost, but they stood toe to toe with the consensus #1 team in the land for 4 quarters. At times showing more athleticism and toughness than the Gators. Tenn. is still a year or two away, but they will give every opponent all they want this year.

Texas A&M -13.5 v. UAB – Last week a blown call that would have given the Ags first and goal from the 1, which ultimately resulted in a punt, and the 2nd team defense giving up a touchdown in the waning minutes of the 4th quarter would have had the Ags covering with points to spare. A&M will be without the services of phenom WR Jeff Fuller, out ~6 weeks with a broken fibula, but if there is ever such thing as a stable of unproven young WR’s, the Ags have one. UAB’s QB Joe Webb will be the factor; he can do it all and will have to for the Blazers to put up a good showing at Kyle Filed. Look for the Ags to try to get all the kinks out before facing Arkansas and then the gauntlet of the Big XII South.

Southern Miss +14 v. Kansas – KU struggled for 3 quarters last week with Duke at home. The final score truly does not reflect the plight of this game. If you don’t believe in off the field distractions, you might start now, twice over the last week the KU football team has tussled with the KU basketball team in exhibitions of mass fisticuffs. Talk about severe little brother syndrome, learn your place football team, no banners = no mouth running. They deserve your girls right now.

Ball State +33 v. Auburn – Don’t know much here other than 33 points is a lot of points. 35-0 looks good until that last second “meaningless” touchdown for the Cardinals in mop up time.


2 Trinas:

Vanderbilt -7 v. Rice – Vandy covered on the road in Baton Rouge and this line has gone down 4 points in Rice’s favor. Public, you didn’t let me down last week so let’s not start this week. Fade the public here and go 2 units on Vandy.

Florida State -12 v. South Florida – Fla. State’s QB Ponder is as quality a dual threat quarter back you could hope for in most cases. And on the flip side, South Florida’s QB Matt Grothe is out, not sure if it’s an injury or they just realized he’s been there for 7 years. Either way look for the Noles to try and make a statement to in-state prospects that although it’s not South Florida, Tallahassee is nice and it comes with free shoes and a fill in exam taker.

Funny in a week of “less than desired” match-ups The Levee was able to find 7 to play. But hey you can’t spell degenerate without rent, as in rents due, so let’s make some coin!

Here’s to champagne wishes and caviar dreams!

If life is like a box of chocolates and you have a nut allergy…..Week 4 is the chocolate covered cashews.

After 3 solid weeks of exciting match-ups, meaningful early conference games and a slew of story lines this weekends slate leaves a bit to be desired. It was bound to happen; we can’t be lucky enough to have Colorado at Toledo type games every week now can we? This week’s TV games will however promise to be better watching than whatever marathon HGTV is airing all day Saturday for sure. You’ll find some decent games scattered around the country but not on the scale of last week. In fact one of the better games is going to be played tonight when Ole Miss travels to Columbia SC to see if their #4 ranking fits. The Rebs are good but severely untested and have meandered up the polls by simply letting those ranked higher lose and fall by the wayside. But hey don’t blame them; they just go as their schedule dictates. So let us now take a look at week 4 and some match-ups of intrigue, with a little window dressing and insight tossed in.

Ole Miss v. South Carolina – As previously stated, the Rebs are good but highly untested. Spurrier will pull it all out tonight and try to get the Gamecocks their first SEC victory of ’09. While Ole Miss will be looking to send a message to the rest of the SEC that they can go on the road, win in a tough environment and substantiate that top 5 ranking. With Spurrier’s GameCocks and Nutt’s Rebs, this guarantees to be a swinging good time.

Miami v. VA Tech – Both teams are feeling pretty good and carry good rankings coming into Saturdays contest. Especially Miami, they have been the flavor of the month from coast to coast since beating FSU at home and feel good riding the arm of Jacory Harris. And on the other side you’ve got VA Tech coming off a last second win against Nebraska feeling QB Tyrod Taylor might be putting it all together. This is the classic, centerfold versus the girl that didn’t quite have the waist-to-hip ratio to be a centerfold but still got a 3 page layout, match-up.

Arkansas v. Alabama - Good SEC West match-up between divisional favorite and divisional season killer. Arkansas put up good but not good enough numbers last week versus Georgia, while Alabama has really only been tested once, in week 1 versus VA Tech. Arkansas is in a tough part of their schedule that has them playing the #3, #1 and #4 ranked teams in a 5 week period. Plus an old rivalry renewal against Texas A&M mixed in. Bama won’t get caught looking ahead to Kentucky and would like to give the village something to be idiotic about.

Iowa v. Penn St. – Iowa ruined Joe Pa’s dreams of perfection last season. Outside of that, this seems like a good time to get that yard work done you’ve been putting off. Regardless of whether or not the score is 6-3 or 56-49, the Big 10 should be sponsored by Ambien CR, because not only will it put you to sleep, but it will also keep you asleep. Plus it’s fun to play “spot the hottie” when they pan the crowd and that game doesn’t last long in the Big 10.

Texas Tech v. Houston – This game offers up two teams that have a striking resemblance to one another, quick strike offenses and bend but don’t break defenses. A UH win would add another large feather in the Cougs hat, having already knocked off Big XII South contender Oklahoma State earlier this year. It will be interesting to see if the Red Raiders can shake off the tough loss last week in Austin and carry some of that momentum into H-town. With another 9:15 pm kick-off, which is ideal for Leach and his happy hour fetish, it looks like the Sunday sports page will be needed to aid in the analysis of this one.

Cal v. Oregon – Cal has one of the best RB’s in the country in Jahvid Best, and is now in the cat-bird seat of the Pac 10 with USC falling last week. Oregon is looking to make amends for their deflowering at the hands of Boise State and get a much needed home conference win. But with Lagarrete Blunt not suiting up for the Ducks, thus insuring that the only hitting will be legal, this might be a “catch the highlights on Sportscenter” type of game.

UTEP v. Texas – Will the Horns fall victim to the much over used “hang-over” game scenario? Not a chance, but hey since Y’all are Texas why don’t You try covering a spread this season.

As you can see week 4 gave us a bunch of lemons, so on the advice of many bumper stickers, we made lemonade, but remember there is always action to be had, so check back tomorrow to see if The Levee can stay hot and keep riding winners.

Remote control domination....agian.

Week 3 of NCAA Football got the memo and carried the torch dutifully by providing high quality entertaining action from beginning to, way too late PAC 10 late game, end. For some reason it’s always the early/afternoon games that are able to be recalled play by play as if you were there, where now the 6pm and later games on the other hand are more a hodgepodge of sequences, separated by brief interludes of joy or disgust, that are then randomly strung together in no real particular order. Thank goodness for DVR, the internet and the early Sunday sports page. However it works out for you, there is a universal truth, complete mastery of the remote control is crucial. Without looking, the ability to hit “last” and “exit” in succession, get the score and repeat are imperative. Equally vital is being able to mash 4-3-2 while never loosing eye contact with your Vizio, instead of mistakenly mashing 7-6-5 and your mother-in-law wondering why we are trying to pay per view “Naughty Secretaries.” When really your intention was to get back to ABC for the Mussberger/McCoy make-out hour. What it boils down to is that complete sovereignty in your football viewing environment is a crucial half of the battle. Regardless of whether your team wins or loses, if some A-hole has high jacked the magic wand and you find yourself watching 300 in your own home on a Saturday afternoon, you my friend, are the only looser! With that let’s look back on some of week 3’s action.

That 11am Big 10 game that has been much maligned on The Levee turned out to be a great one. Minnesota v. Cal not only provided good action and heavy hitting throughout, but it also showcased one of the nation’s best running backs in Cal’s Jahvid Best. Best had 5 TD’s, look for him and the Berkley Bears to be the PAC 10 favorite from here out....

....which is the perfect segue to the Washington v. USC game. The Trojan(s) sprung a leak and we all know only bad things can result from this. In a classic pupil beats mentor game, USC went to Seattle and lost to a team that won as many games last year as VMA Video of the year awards Beyonnce won in ’09.

Tennessee went to the Swamp and pushed Florida to the very end. While it was mostly an ugly game on both sides, the Gators were 28.5 point favorites but a lopsided thrashing never even began to formulate. Once the line wasn’t in jeopardy, most people were more interested to see the post-game hand shake between coaches. It went without incident, but the war of words was “on” again as soon as each coach could get behind the safety of a microphone. Very fitting for the SEC, keep up the class fellows.

One or all of these next statements is true, you decide: 1) Tulsa is a bad football team 2) Landry Jones is an adequate QB 3) Bob Stoops never forgot how to embarrass lesser opponents at home in front of big money alumni.

Nebraska and Bo Pelini look like they might be closer to being “back” than many thought. Tough last second loss to V. Tech, but a confidence booster no doubt.

Georgia and Arkansas put on an offensive clinic, while the defenses were what some people refer to as exposed. 3 weeks, 3 different opponents and 3 different UGA football teams. Arky gets Bama next weekend and then over to the Meadowlands West, in Arlington TX, for a renewed rivalry with old SWC foe Texas A&M.

Texas and T. Tech lived up to the hype. Tech hung in there and left some wondering if Texas is playing like a #1 or #2 team in the nation.

Texas A&M put up huge offensive numbers again, but out of triumph came tragedy when they lost their best WR to a broken leg. Jeff Fuller is expected to miss up to 6 weeks. Look For Uzoma "EZ" Unoihavenoclue (#7) to step up; he did have 4 TD’s on 4 touches last Saturday. The Aggies of Texas gave up way too many yards and points to the Aggies of Utah State. Conversely the Utah St. Aggies would probably say the same thing. Hope the Aggies of Texas saved some of that offense, because they will need it in two weeks against Arkansas.

Oh by the way those that questioned The Levee’s handicapping skills how do you feel about 5-1? Look, it might not make you prettier, but it’ll make you feel prettier. And that’s all that matters. 8-6 for the year, check back on Friday for some more games of interest.

Levee Locks 9/19. YTD: 3-5

Okay so things didn’t go as planned last week. That's why it's called gambling not winning and fishing not catching or even sometimes it's just sex and not making love, there is never a guarantee of a happy ending. There is however a guarntee of plenty of season left, so don't go hawking your golf clubs or your shotguns just yet. Here are a few games to look into for the week of 9/19.

1 Trinas:

Colorado -7 v. Wyoming – Yes we shot and skinned the buffs in previous posts, actually twice but they fully deserved it both times. The line has dropped ~3 points so we are going to fade the public here and assume Wyoming left it all out there against Texas last week.

UConn +10 v. Baylor – This opened at 7 and has been bet up to 10, again I have no faith in you, the public, so we are taking the points here.

ULL + 27 v. LSU – This is for the simple fact that LSU hasn’t covered yet, ULL is coming off a huge win over Kansas St. which gave them confidence that they could play with the big boys. Simmer down tiger fan, I am not saying KSU = LSU, but KSU does = Vandy and LSU couldn’t cover the 15 against them.

2 Trinas:

UCLA -11.5 v. Kansas St. – This opened at 14 and apparently John Q. Public didn’t hear about KSU’s loss in Lafayette last weekend and have bet this number down to 11.5. Big, fancy, nice, pretty, expensive things are in Vegas, because they know how to make the money, not in Manhattan Kansas by some hay seed not willing to give up on his Wildcats.

Texas – 17.5 v. Texas Tech – There will be over 100K at the stadium and Texas is looking to avenge last year’s heart breaker. Tech lost the only two guys that kept them in last years game, one is apprenticing as future CFL MVP and the other left millions on the table, on the advice of a family member/agent, to sit out a year and get re-drafted. Did no one learn anything from Ricky Williams using Master P as an agent?!

Stanford -17 v. San Jose St. – Stanford easily covered this same number in week 1 versus Washington St. I am going on a limb thinking Wazzou is better than SJS.

Here’s to champagne wishes and caviar dreams!

Parody want a cracker?

So if picking winners were easy, everyone would do it right? But it’s not, however if The Levee’s advice had been followed, you would have been -1 unit on the 1-Trinas, -4 units on the 2-Trinas and +3 units on the 3-Trinas, for a net -2 units. Okay, so you would still have been in the red, and now you have to take the old lady to El Chico instead of Morton’s this week due to losses incurred and a diminishing net worth. It’s a long season, deal with it, in fact according to Chairman of the Fed Ben Bernanke the recession is “technically” over. What the hell does that mean Ben? Isn’t technically usually the precursor to something you don’t want to hear? Think about the last time someone began a comment with “technically”. It was probably followed with something the likes of, “________, yes I do posses the skills that would allow me to set you up with free movie channels and pay per view, but it might cost me my job w/ Comcast.” See bad news. But hey at least when the wife asks if you asked for it, you can tell her “technically I asked the cable guy, but ____ was being a snatch and something about loosing his job, whatever, I quit listening at technically.” See more bad news in a statement started with “technically.” But I digress. Let us get back to what matters most, let us get back to College Football. Like every year, although we act completely blindsided when it happens, ol Miss Parody has once again made her way into this season. She has gone the way of Mathew McConaughey and surfaced at way to many games, and it’s only week two! It started when the Steve “I’m only here for my Augusta Country Club membership” Spurrier led Gamecocks mustered a coma inducing 7 points against the State school of North Carolina, yet still got the W. That was followed by the Kimbo Slicing that occurred after Boise St. had their way with the PAC 10 title dreaming Duck’s of Oregon. Then Colorado State goes into Boulder and whips team Hawkins in front of 50,000 chafed rock climbers. Can you imagine the number of slashed Subaru tires after that one; it’s hard to have all wheel drive with only 3 tires now isn’t it! Syracuse got decent play from ex-Duke point guard Greg Paulus, and actually put some points on the board, they still lost, but they now know that the bulbs for the HOME team score on the scoreboard work, baby steps Cuse, baby steps. The Oklahoma Sooners got manhandled by a bunch of missionaries and lost their main brave in the process. Navy sailed into the Horseshoe and took the “I” dotters to the brink, some think The Tyrelle Pryor was thinking about how well he could have thrived in Rich Rod’s system at Michigan, considering all that extra practice and what not. UGA rolled into Stillwater in the most anticipated matchup of the day and got handled by the Pokes of Oklahoma State. Al Groh and his Virginia Cavaliers managed to lay down to both William and Mary, that won’t sit well in the Commonwealth. So the point should be clear that parody was alive and well right out of the blocks in the ’09 college football season. To drive the point home one need not look further than week two to see team Hawkins once again getting embarrassed, this time at the hands of the mighty Toledo Rockets or Notre Dame getting bested by Michigan, or the Cajuns that Rage in Lafayette serving beer in a college stadium just to insure that everyone was well primed for their victory party over Kansas State, or Oklahoma State following up a triumphant victory over Georgia only to have Houston’s Cougars come into Boone Pickens diorama and hang 45 on them, or a few Levee favorites, Texas unable to cover against Louisiana Monroe or Wyoming and then LSU unable to cover for the second week in a row, in a night game, in Baton Rouge no Les….miles, against the imposing Commodores of Vanderbilt. But at the end of the day aren’t these the reasons we so dutifully tune in week in and week out? Yes it is exactly why; look we all like Miss Parody when she’s skull pounding a rival, but the second she plants her keester on your team’s sideline one Saturday afternoon, while playing Arkansas State, it’s a real kick in the junk, trust us. But she’s also the reason many start twisting lids at noon on Saturday to start feeling right again and also to watch Fresno St. push Wisconsin into overtime, thus solidifying the +8.5 cover! Folks, I have excellent news, we are only half way through September, meaning there are still ~4 months of this insanity left to go. So let’s go Kanye, grab some Hennessey and redirect the spotlight on some of this weeks most intriguing match ups.

Tennessee v. Florida – Lane Kiffin hasn’t exactly endeared himself to Gatornation, accusing Urban Meyer of recruiting violations and then sarcastically referring to the ’09 Gators as probably the best team ever to play college football. Lane, we hope you packed your jean shorts, because the whipping might get deep in The Swamp and you’ll at least want to fit in.

Georgia Tech v. Miami – Attention: Lady’s and Haitian’s, The U is on their way back. After outlasting Coach Bobby “which team are we again” Bowden’s Noles in a thriller, the Canes will take on a solid GT team led by ACC player of the year Jonathan Dwyer. Engineers versus Paroles, should be a good one.

Duke v. Kansas – If Duke’s bigs can get physical on the boards, hit some 3 balls early and keep KU’s transition points to a minimum; the Dukey’s have a chance. Look for The Phog to be brimming with heavy jayhawketes and desperate jaycocks.

Nebraska v. Virginia Tech – 10 years ago in Lincoln and 7 years ago in Blacksburg this would have been a hell of a game, unfortunately neither team could get all their criminals on the field at the same time. There will be plenty of Ramen noodles and Twinkies wagered on this one. Leavenworth might go on lock down.

Rice v. Oklahoma State – Will Oklahoma State get Two-ston’d? That’s 0-2 against Houston area teams, Think Houston Rockets dynasty circa mid 90’s. Or is this Gundy’s cheap way of recruiting the Greater Houston area? As if the hunters blaze orange billboards in Hobby Airport weren’t doing enough.

Louisville v. Kentucky – See Duke/Kansas, but between extra marital affairs and DWI’s this might get testy. If KU wins will Calipari get to keep it? Check back in 5 years.

And now a personal favorite of The Levee:

Texas Tech v. Texas – There was a time when The Levee would have pulled for the Taliban versus the Longhorns, but with the annoyingly strong emergence of over the top Red Raider fan, much due to Barry O’s shovel ready job projects; The Levee finds itself in the proverbial quagmire. But it’s not about The Levee; it’s about Texas University and Texas Technological University. You see on one side you have the self proclaimed Texas elitist and on the other side you’ll find the “I would sell my soul to be a Texas Elitist, but I was hung over for my SAT’s,” crowd. Both equally obnoxious and self righteous and beneath the dim light of a trendy Houston bar equally hard to discern, and as it should come as no surprise, one side likes it that way! This game forges rivalries within many inner circles, roommate against roommate, one pays a mortgage and the other pays him rent; father against son, hey father can only pass on half his genes; boyfriend against girlfriend, look at least she’s hot; boss against employee, self explanatory. So come game day some will don the orange Lacoste while others the black or red, that is understood and goes without saying, but the real question for all will be whether to sport the brown or the black Gucci loafers? Regardless, here’s too a maze of puddles between your SUV’s and the stadium!

Check back to get The Levee’s Locks for 9/19, which should be available at some point tomorrow.

The Levee's Locks 9/12

Gambling has taken a lot of heat over the years; it has reportedly broken fingers, legs, men, families and kept great ball players out of the hall of fame. But like the worlds oldest profession, gambling has stood the test of time. It has weathered years of hand -cuffing legislation while also enduring countless assaults from the “thou shalt not judge” perfect people crowd. For years it required a trip to the Nevada desert as one’s only chance to flip cards, roll dice or take a home dog. Note that did not read to take a dog home, lord knows you don't have to travel that far to accomplish that, just simply a reference to betting on the home team when they are the underdog, if that had you confused you might might to scurry along, JC Penny's is probably having a post-Labor Day sale this weekend or something. However things have changed and between the internet and the frat guy that never wants to fill out a W-2, the sports gaming side of things has become more common place in today’s society. Common place to the tune that some declare it is a multi-billion dollar a year underground thriving enterprise. Do you really think they print the spreads in the Shreveport Times everyday because the sports books in Vegas forgot what the number was on the USC v Ohio St. game? Of course not, they are printed so every 43 year old, 2nd team all district flanker, can peruse the lines, tap into his vast well of football knowledge and make some friendly wagers with said frat guy who is now pushing 40. Mr. Flanker can then roll around from cube to cube in his office talking about his weekends “action” and voice his fear of “the hook” (that’s a half point, Honey) on the Ball State game to his co-workers; claimging to have been screwed by the hook in last years Armed Forces Bowl. When really Mr. Flanker has $30 to win $27 riding on Texas because he went to Southwest Texas State and hung out in Austin on the weekends and he’s only heard of Ball State because he falls asleep to Letterman every night! With all that said, The Levee has seen the best and worst of both sides in this gambling game, much like you would expect from an inanimate object that is designed to keep a bad thing from reaching a good thing, but I digress. The Levee is rolling out The Levee’s Locks, a gamblers guide to staying in your window, praying for a blocked PAT, doubling up on the late PAC 10 game and learning how to do quick math with 3’s, 6’s and 7’s.

Rating system:
1 Trina – Like the game but wouldn’t put over the value of 1 Reggie Bush jersey on it.
2 Trinas – Like the game, worth at least 1 FEMA card, possibly 2.
3 Trinas – I’d grab every Reggie jersey in sight and crawl threw broken glass to do so.

9/12:

1 Trina:
LA Tech + 7 v Navy – Navy caught Ohio St. looking ahead to USC. Plus every Mr. Flanker will be on Navy.
Texas – 33.5 v Wyoming – Texas will cover one of these big lines and the Horns get very giddy when OU playmakers go down.
Georgia – 7.5 v South Carolina – South Carolina looked horrible against NC St. but still won and this game will tell you if UGA has any fire left in them after the beatdown in Stillwater.
Syracuse +28.5 v Penn St. – No doubt Penn State wins but over 4 touchdowns is a lot of points. Now that Cuse can actually eat up some clock on O.
Vandy + 15 v LSU – LSU wins but their D is really that spotty.

2 Trinas:
Notre Dame -3.5 v Michigan – Don’t think the extra practice will help the Wolverine’s here.
USC – 6.5 v. Ohio St. – USC has too much talent on D and will have Pryor running for his life.

3 Trinas:
TCU -11 v UVA - UVA lost to a D-II school last week. Al Groh might not survive the season. Plus prepy on prepy violence is amusing.

That’s all for this week, but be sure and check back to next week to be convinced of something we know little about.

Personal Financial Advice: Bob Stoops other Achilles Heel, after BCS games of course.

Can someone remind Bob Stoops that he is a football coach and not a life coach? Although as of print time both could be in question. Turns out that not only did the Sooners get embarrassed in what was essentially a home game in Dallas over college footballs first weekend, but they got their Heisman winning QB tomahawked in the process. So now that is two, guaranteed 2009 NFL 1st rounder’s that OU has lost in a total of 1 football game. Jermaine Gresham, out for the season, was the #1 tight end on most draft boards after last season and would have been the first taken in the draft. Sam Bradford would have been the first overall pick by the Detroit Lions instead they had to go with the, newly guaranteed 28 million dollar, millionaire Matt Stafford. How do you say "I’d like to have that one back" in smoke signals?

Bob Stoops issued this gem back in January of ’09:

“They all want to take care of their parents, they want to be able to take care of their family,” Stoops said.
“The second and third round money you’re going to be able to take care of yourself and that’s about it. First round, you’re talking about taking care of yourself and some other people. They want to solidify those positions and be in as strong a position as they can be when they enter the draft.
“So, when you do it that way and you jump draft positions forward, you really make a more significant amount of money and you’re more experienced and prepared for that atmosphere. So they see the value in that, and I appreciate those guys.
“I also think our players recognize the opportunities we have as a program to pursue more championships and that’s something that means a lot to all of us.”
Players who stay in college for four years almost always improve their draft status, barring injuries.
“It’s a lot harder to cut a first-round pick,” Stoops said.

I agree with you coach it is hard to cut a first round pick, in fact when you’re not one, it’s impossible!

College is about preparing for a professional career, if a company or team is willing to pay for your services before you graduate or with elgibility remaining, you should be thankful that you blossomed ahead of your peers and jump at the opportunity. Let’s face it if Deloitte & Touche were offering accounting majors Ken Lay size signing bonuses and salaries after their junior years; they should be encouraged to take it.

The Levee is not denying the importance of a degree; just simply saying big ass yachts are a lot cooler.

It's here, the top five and their respective season analysis......enjoy!

#6 - #20 updated on post below.

dun dundundundun dundundundundundundundundunnnunununun... It's (1/5th of) The Final Countdown....dundundundun dundundundund

Let the delusion begin, well actually that should read, Let the delusion continue! It’s getting very close to that most grand time of year when all the verbal bullying on team message boards will either be substantiated on the field, and chat room Nostradamus’s will be crowned and praised, or force ill informed posters to hide behind new handles until their team gives them reason to resurface. Is there really anything greater than the respect of keyboard jockeys the nation over having to be defended and affirmed by a bunch of 18-21 year olds who wouldn’t know SoonerBob from BeauxTigers or WolverIrene from T#15Teboner? Metallica said it best “Sad but true!” A wise coach once said (and he was wise because he managed to get fired yet stay on the schools payroll for years with some trumped up title)that every Saturday half the teams that play will loose. He also likened a big rivalry game to a bowl of your favorite ice cream and encouraged that it should be savored and enjoyed, which probably led to his unceremonious departure. But all this aside, he was on to something with his bold prediction of half winners and half losers every Saturday. He was clearly months ahead of the Rules Committee and their crazy new "overtime rule." But we digress. Ask yourself, would it really be fun to support a team, spend big money on tickets/travel/lodging/gear/emotionally driven bets as you walk into the stadium if you thought you were pulling for a loser? At the end of the day this ain’t the NFL and these kids chose to attend your respective school. Seriously how gratifying is to know that the 8th best in-state QB and an unranked 5' 8" WR chose to get a free ride and be treated like royalty at the same school you bled, sweated and cried to get in, stay in and hopefully get out of. This my friend is why College Football will forever rein supreme to sports fans and odds makers alike for the duration of time. Below you will find the AP preseason top 25, in increments of 5; the Levee will give an honest, un-researched preview as to why their fans will be toasting a great season or toasting the first basketball game against Athletes In Action. Feel free to disagree and then Google that particular teams chat room, create a witty anonymous handle and saddle up your keyboard for a surely insightful rebuttal to this nonsense.

AP Top 25

1. Florida - Tim Tebow can win connect four in three moves. Superman sleeps in Tim Tebow pajamas. Tim Tebow does not own nor know how to effectively motorboat. Tim Tebow won the Heisman and the Nicaraguan equivalent in the same year. The Gators won’t overlook an Ole Miss again this year; even Tebow’s teammates are tired of watching that speech on Youtube. Not much to be said about the juggernaut Meyer has going in Gainesville. Coach Meyer and the Gators will repeat, you heard it hear 5th. They will win and win and win a lot, beat Bama or LSU in the SEC Championship and cruise over to Pasadena and beat Texas in the BCS Championship game. Congratulations Gatornation, you’ve repeated but you still live in Florida and as far as possible from quality fishing.

2. Texas - The NCAA established scholarship limits because of one Darrell Royal. Back in the day Darrell would give scholarships to every Dick and Tom in the state of Texas just to keep them from going to A&M. Or maybe it was the all male military thing that kept the studs away from College Station, but I digress. But now Mack yellow teeth verging on Brown doesn’t have to play those games. His “you play at Texas, you are above the law” sales pitch is taking care of his personnel needs. So naturally the talent flows into Austin. BREAKING NEWS: Colt McCoy and Jordan Shipley like to fish together, someone tweet Brett Musburger, so he can remind us every Saturday for the next 16 weeks. Okay, back to my 40 acres and a mule. Memo to Texas fans: graduates, students, 7-11 graveyard shift workers and homeless guy on the Drag you all will be happy with the team Brown/Obama puts out on the 40 acres this season. With pain that can only be equated to a series of spinal taps, it breaches The Levee to tell you that your horns will be good and by good I mean play in the BCS Championship good. But you will loose. However, the arrogance and entitlement that you all seem to inherit while on campus, will be on show when you and your stepford wives host party after party over the holiday season in anticipation for the big game. Enjoy comparing Labradoddles you pompous invertebrates!

3. Oklahoma - To be sung to the tune of Indian Outlaw, by Tim McGraw:

I’m an Indian Quarterback,
Half Cherokee and Heisman,
My baby is a black jack dealer and she’s one of a kind.
The village chieftain wears a Visor,
He likes to bend the rules and then play dumb,
But the NCAA makes him walk the line.
He does it all the time.

Okay, that is getting tough. Deal is OU will be good, they return mucho NFL talent at a lot of positions. Why the likes of Sam Bradford and Jermaine Gresham would pass up guaranteed millions in the NFL, should tell you and the NCAA something, but apparently Rhett Bomar and Big Red Sport/Imports was a one time thing. Regardless the Sooners will win games, put up big numbers, stay in the top 5, but ultimately loose to Texas in Dallas. The good news Sooner fans, is you won’t loose in the BCS Championship game again, because you won’t be in it. But don’t go disturbing the Medicine Man; you will be in a BCS game. So grab your ponies and go study some cave drawings and please, for the sake of the Big XII, be prepared for simple sandlot plays, like the Statue of Liberty and the dreaded hook-n-lateral.

4. USC - You know what white horses are good for? Carnival pony rides or glue factories. Coach Carroll will trot out another who’s who group of college football players and The Hills extras in ’09, but like last year, no college experience at QB. Although Mitch Mustain sits on the 3rd team, after starting at Arky as a true freshman, great move leaving Mitch, was your mommy given permission to call plays at USC? But I digress. The prophylactics will usher out a true freshman to call the singles this season, in Matt Barkley. Look at his tips, tell me this guy wasn’t born to start at USC and coincidentally run into LC at the Laguna Surf Shop during filming. There’s no doubt that the skill players are in place, even with WR Ronald Johnson out 6-8 weeks. They have a stable of running backs and a bunch of former American Gladiators on defense. USC should win the PAC 10, there biggest test might be in week 2 when Ken doll QB gets his second career start in Columbus at the vaunted Horseshoe. Not sure if the size and scope of the Horseshoe and the hype of the game will get to him first or if seeing that many ugly people so concentrated in one place will. USC will be in a BCS Bowl, and it will be the Rose Bowl, unfortunately there will be another game at the Rose Bowl a few nights later to crown the BCS Champion and if any USC players are at this one, it will be to knock out some community service hours.

5. Alabama - Paging all 3 named Quarterbacks that can play above average, yet far from excellent, efficiently hand the ball off to a stud running back, throw jump balls to Julio Jones and also get tail anytime, anyplace. After a year that, whether the tide fans will admit it or not, exceeded expectations but was closed out with an embarrassing defeat to the Utes in a Crimson Tide friendly Sugar Bowl, Bama hopes to once again lean on their defense for another SEC Championship run. It took a mighty defensive effort and Jarrett Lee going color blind, for the Tide to escape Baton Rouge with an overtime victory. It was told to a Bama fan, from yours truly while leaving Tiger Stadium “Congratulations, y’all will handle Auburn and then not win another game.” This was said knowing that Florida was waiting in the SEC Championship and assuming they would get a harder foe than Utah in a BCS Bowl. Regardless it looks as if the Levee’s tarot card reader was money well spent. Saban, love him or hate him, has a good thing “rolling” in Tuscaloosa. Having just signed an extension that will pay him close to 4 mil/per through 2017 has him locked down unless a Tony Danza look-a-like world tour takes off. The talent is continuing to pour in and memories of the great hounds toothed one are beginning to seem more like a reality than the Dubose/Shula/Fran puppeteers. Bama will field if not the best; one of the top 5 defenses in the country and Julio Jones (WR) is as good as anyone else in the country. If the Tide can make it out of the SEC West, having LSU at home will help; they will more than likely have a rematch with Florida. Where every 3rd world child, that now has indoor plumbing, thanks to Tim Tebow, will sacrifice hundreds of pigs to the Pigskin Gods to ensure another Florida victory. Tide fans. hope you didn’t mess your hotel rooms up too bad in New Orleans last year, because the Levee has you back in the Sugar Bowl, possibly facing the Horny Toads of TCU.

6. Ohio State - Instead of scripting Ohio, how about scripting a win in a BCS Championship or even a BCS bowl game for that matter. The Buckeyes should be the odds on favorites to win the Big 10 this year, a late season trip to State College, PA will more than likely decide that outright. The Ohio St. gets USC at home in week two, now on paper USC has the edge, but at game time the Trojans will likely have a true Freshman QB making only his second career start and it coming at The Horseshoe, has to tip the hand to The Ohio St. The Terrelle Pryor will be fun to watch as he showed much versatility in their Fiesta Bowl loss to Texas. Not sure if or how many tatted and roided up white LB’s The Ohio St. plans to run out this year. But am sure The Horseshoe will be filled with buckeye jerseys over hoodies complemented with giant buckeye seed necklaces. Whatever on-field adversity The team and The fans face this year, they will all rest easier knowing that Michigan is reeling from their new found joy of self-mutilation.

7. Virginia Tech - After winning the regular season ACC Championship and then handling college football stalwarts Cincinnati in the Orange Bowl, the Hookies of Va. Tech have good reason to enter ’09 brimming with confidence. But with that also comes expectations. An early test, probably the best opening day game, against Alabama, will provide a good glimpse of what’s to come. It is admirable the way V Tech has traditionally scheduled at least one, sometimes two, non-cupcake nonconference games. They also have Nebraska in week 3. Granted this isn’t your granddads Neb team, but it’s not Louisiana Monroe either. Having Miami, BC and North Carolina in Blacksburg will be advantageous. There are a few difficult road games, at Georgia Tech and UVA, but those don’t come until mid-October and the last regular season game respectively. Outside of a derailing loss to a weaker team early (Georgia Tech), look for Beamer and his ballers to represent the Coastal division again in the ACC Conference Championship.

8. Mississippi - There has been a run on caviar and Johnny Walker Blue Label in Oxford this summer in anticipation for the Rebels upcoming season. A season that has probably not been as hyped since the NAACP successfully fought to have the confederate flag banished from David Duke Memorial Stadium. The Rebels are coming of a stellar year that included an improbable win over Florida in the Swamp and concluded with the wood shedding of the 11-1 Texas Tech Red Raiders in the Cotton Bowl. If Snead can avoid the costly INT, like the few he heaved while backing up Colt McCoy, the Rebels should offer a balanced and affective offensive attack. Will Houston(s) Nutt(s) have Ole Missy hollering for more buttered grits? We shall see….

9. Oklahoma State - If victories could be bought Oklahoma State would be awarded the Waterford Crystal National Champion trophy today, unfortunately wins can’t be bought, yet. But on the bright side, players still can be and that has Ok. Lite chalked full of hand Pickened playmakers. The Pokes will be rolling out one of the best trios of skilled guys in the country with Zack Robinson, Kendall Hunter and Dez Bryant. These 3 guys have three things in common, none could find Stillwater OK. on a map going into their senior year in high school, all will take pay cuts at the next level and all can do pretty special things with the ball in their hands. A week 1 show down with Georgia will do one of two things, substantiate the hype and create a lot of momentum or completely take the air out of their wind farm. It should be known however that no amount of wind will effect the coaching staff.

10. Penn State - Things hope to only get happier in Happy Valley and it’s not because they have come out with a sporty sideline version of depends. Penn St. looks to take advantage of a down Big 10 as well this year. Penn St. has won 2 of the last 4 Big 10 Conference Championships and returns 10 starters in Joe Paterno’s 44th year as head coach and 60th year with the Penn St. football program. And one can only imagine that the taco-storm created by Coach Rodriguez over in Ann Arbor isn’t dampening spirits either.

11. LSU - You can’t spell delusional without LSU. And once again the Bayou Bengals fans are up for the challenge to outdo their blind ignorance once again. From Harvard to LSU and back to Harvard, sounds like an Acorn recruiting trip, but really it is the plight of clearly secure in his decisions QB Andrew Hatch. Perhaps when he was named ’08 starting QB and Dean of the Business School upon his arrival in Baton Rouge was more then Andy could handle. Fast forward past the Jarrett Lee experiment, an experiment to see how quickly his offense could turn their minds to defenders and chase DB’s on their way to pay dirt, and we have Jordan Jefferson an athletic QB that really came on late in the season. That coupled with the insertion of many highly touted recruits, including Russell Sheppard, Craig Loston and Rueben Randle the Tigers look to avenge last years disappointing season (in the minds of Tiger fans) and make a serious run at not only an SEC championship but also another National Championship. It really couldn’t happen to a better coach and fan base.

12. Cal - There are still a few obstructed view seats available in the tree houses atop the giant sequoias surrounding Cal Memorial Stadium. They are currently going for two hacky-sacks and one authentic dream catcher. Hippies and football have never got along, except at Cal Berkley over the past decade or so. Coach Jeff Tedford has built a much respected program and sans USC looks to be the next best Pac 10 team. With some luck and an occasional trombonist trampling the Bears could be primed to challenge for the conference championship. Now if they could just incorporate a deodorant drive at some of their home games, we would all be better off.

13. Georgia - Matt Stafford’s baby face and newly very adult size bank account will no longer be barking signals between the hedges at Sanford Stadium, but there will still be plenty of baby faces and adult size bank accounts in the stands, and that’s just the Greek block. The Dawgs also lost Knowshon Moreno to “greener” pastures. Coach Richt is looking at 5th yr Sr. Joe Cox to fill the Stafford void, but with wide out AJ Green, his transition from clipboard to pigskin will be a bit easier. An intriguing opening game against the Ok. State Cowboys will give UGA a great idea of what they can expect from themselves and a good warm-up to an always daunting SEC run. Fortunately they get LSU at home and then Florida at the world’s largest cocktail party, which should determine the SEC East champion and keep the Duval County Jail very busy.

14. Boise State - Are there any trick plays left? Outside of the fumbleruski or the Texas special I think the Broncos emptied the basket against OU a few years back, and with unheralded success. Outside of the “not made for HD” blue turf and their willingness to play on Tuesday afternoons, Boise State has put together one of the more impressive runs in the past decade of college football. Coach Peterson likes what he saw from his defense this spring and it will be tested right out of the blocks with a Thursday night match-up against Oregon’s Ducks. Looking at the Bronco’s schedule, the travel might begin to wear on them at some point; they play games in Hawaii, California, Utah, Oklahoma, Ohio and Louisiana.

15. Georgia Tech - The rambling wreck and Coach Paul Johnson look to put the dismantling job put on them by LSU in the Chick-fil-A-bowl in the rear view mirror and draw upon some of the positives from ‘08 coming into ’09. The most exciting has to be the return of ACC reigning player of the year, RB Jonathan Dwyer. The Tech running back averaged ~108 yards per game on the ground last year in Johnsons run first based offense. They look to mix in some more passing plays this year which could open it up even more for Dwyer. Tech has two SEC opponents on the docket this year and at worst will be 1-1 in the two but could easily be 2-0.

16. Oregon - Nike University should win a lot of ball games and look hideous in the process. Much like our current government is trying to do to us; Phil Knight has got Oregon by the tail feathers, he gives them all they think they need, when in reality he is clipping their wings rendering them completely dependent. A rare but intriguing opening weekend match-up with Boise St. should tell a lot about the rest of their season and how this years KB crop is coming in. It will be interesting to see how many of the possible 384 uniform combinations the Ducks dawn this season.

17. TCU - BCS Busters, will we here that again for the next 16 weeks. Probably so, the toads should keep form and roll out another solid defense. And as we all know, if you score you may win, but if they never score you will never loose. Opening at UVA (9/12) and then back to the East Coast two weeks later to the real Death Valley to tango with Clemson is some gutsy scheduling, but Patterson knows to get a seat at the years end table you’ve got to beat some big foes on the road.

18. Florida State - The Noles have weathered many a storm of late, from rampant academic fraud to QB’s that just can’t help but break the law. Now whether or not the highly touted new crop of players live up to their billing is anyone’s guess, but it is a safe bet that the fans will be openly exposing their Nole pride! Thank goodness, Tommy got that axe at Clemson, no more having to see Mrs. Bobby B in that hideous half garnet half hunters orange jersey. With the surge of South Florida and Miami looking to be headed back to the top in a hurry, the Noles are in jeopardy of becoming the 4th team in the Sunshine state.

19. Utah - Remove the Jim McMahon line from below and the rest all applies here as well. Coming off a program changing victory over the Crimson Tide in last years Sugar Bowl has got to give the Ute’s a ton of momentum and excitement coming in to this season.

20. BYU - It’s still a mystery how Jim McMahon ended up at Bring Your special Undies. Either way the cross breeding of 23-25 year old lily white Mormons and huka dancing Pacific islanders has year in and year out resulted in competitive teams. Other than that, all I know is they will probably have a gun-slinging QB and some “deceptively” fast DB’s.

21. North Carolina – This is one team that the Levee feels like should be higher and thinks that as the season progresses they will march up the polls, or down whichever way you prefer to visualize their ranking getting better. Butch Davis was a great hire, he’s recruiting lights out and they are doing this at a Basketball school. See Kansas as well, maybe elite athletes like to be around other elite athletes. Well maybe not Duke, or does Lacrosse count?


22. Iowa – For the hype and more importantly the money and contract extensions they keep giving Coach Ferentz, one would hope and expect much, much more. He is one of the top 10 highest paid coaches in college football, at $3.1 mil a year, with 2 Outback, 1 Alamo and 1 Capitol One championships to sing about. All that said they should take advantage of a way down Big 10 plus 1 conference this year. I know I’ll be on the edge of my seat to see how it plays out.

23. Notre Dame – Why? 3-9 in ’07, 6-6 in ’08 with an end of the season loss to Syracuse! But that was avenged with a whipping of Hawaii in the Hawaii Bowl. I guess it was because Jimmy Clausen finally felt like he fit in.


24. Nebraska – The Bo Pelini project enters year 2 and while expectations have climbed, season ticket sales have remained stagnate. He comes with a wealth of experience from time spent in the SEC at LSU; unfortunately he couldn’t bring the players or loose entrance requirements with him. Still a year or two away from re-claiming supremacy in the Big XII North, they should start to challenge this year.


25. Kansas – Very adequate QB returning in a system he has proven he can make work and, like UNC, they have started recruiting better, regardless of fears of authoritative cannibalism. KU should be the next to represent the Big XII North in the Championship game and lay down to whichever juggernaut the Big XII South rolls out. Someone alert San Antonio to start making extra enchiladas now for when Coach Mangino and team arrive for the Alamo Bowl.

Look for the next 5 teams to be haphazardly analyzed in the coming days.