Does "Size" matter "More" or less?

You want musings? Yes I feel I was promised musings! Seriously, do you really know what a musing is? Wherever you fall, fact is the Levee promised them and unlike your prom date, we don’t tease. So forgive the delay, but a little thing called football and unemployment rose up and priorities had to be re-assessed.

* Let it be known that some of Hemingway’s best works were forged as he found himself immersed in booze, salty air and La Quinta comforters.

Sitting in a seaside hotel room having watched The University of Kentucky earn the #1 basketball ranking in the country, to then take a congratulatory call from Pres. Barry Obama and shockingly on the same day lose to South Carolina, one is inclined to do the next natural thing and that is of course to flip to Celebrity Rehab w/ Dr. Drew. It is no secret that the lives of the see and be seen of high-society often time harbor much strife. And for those willing to enter Dr. Drew’s program, knowing full and well that they will never be viewed normal again, speaks volumes. But does it matter? Case in point, one time prolific Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss, who may or may not be addicted to caulk, has claimed to have spent the last 6 months with no human contact, just birds? WTF? Charlie Sheen just got arrested for threatening his new wife, but being compared to a bird has got to be a new low! At Dr. Drew’s, Heidi was quickly becoming an after thought; that was until Tom Sizemore, Heidi’s personal Ike Turner showed up. Now Heidi’s fat upper lip makes sense, and to think we all thought it was a bad collagen session, or even worse perhaps an angry carrier pigeon exhorting his toll. In the meantime Dennis Rodman is claiming his issues, hey Dennis we appreciate your openness and so does VH1, but you haven’t exactly been fooling anyone. Even so, it is nice to see McKenzie Phillips try and play good cop/facilitator, while we all patiently wait for that follow up album to whatever it was that rocked skating rinks across America for those 3 months in the early 90’s. But we digress. Back to the Fleiss/Sizemore reunion, this is good, will he go little drummer boy on her nose or will she just assume the position and pull her hair into a pony tail? No one knows. And for breaking news, sure as the Hollywood freaks come out at night, one of the therapists has just proclaimed that Sizemore has “very recently” been using meth. Wow! Stop the presses! Ms. Therapists do you really think you can get Oscar worthy performances like his by simply rolling on Winston’s, Mtn Dew and life? Hell no, this man is inspired and joins the rank and file of all those that fell before him, loaded full of everything not right, just to ensure that you enjoy your $20 and 2 hours spent at the cinema. Cut the hero some slack and roll him a fatty for crying out load! Tom Sizemore is the working mans George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Ben Affleck rolled into one, but with twice the girth, no tolerance for lip and a better upper cut. Word to the un-wise and easily entertained, sit back and enjoy this Titanic-esque calamity, that is Dr. Drew's celebrity rehab 2010.

** Spoiler alert - For those who have given up on themselves and actually decide to watch: This show could really go places if that nobody guitarists from Jane’s Addiction would just get back on the needle. Seriously bro, you’re not helping the ratings.

As bullets whizzed by, the fishing had never been better.

Since when did live coverage of 3rd world news turn into "casual day"? Don’t dwell on that right now but stay with us and think about it for a moment. Why since the advent of live news reporting from war torn/disaster plagued/weather decimated areas across the globe have the news correspondents felt it necessary to first and foremost pilage their fishing and outdoors closet and then hit the road? Let’s see there is the long sleeve Columbia fishing shirt (so it can be rolled up in the tropics and the blistering Middle East afternoons and then quickly unfurled for the cool Arabian nights), the dark undershirt, of course the poor fitting network affiliate ball cap (especially during weather related broadcasts), and then the one staple that truly knows no borders or boundaries….the freaking vest? Don’t get me wrong the vest is a very under appreciated and under utilized garment in the main stream, it’s very diverse and can accommodate in a vast array of environs. But it seems to have really become an integral part of the media 3rd world survival kit. The globe trekking correspondents of yester year who could only record happenings on the front lines as they played out with still photos would obviously where such vests to hold their cameras, film, batteries, cash for bribes and a few cyanide pills for worst case scenarios. It was a necessary tool to aid in the recording of events to send visual evidence back as to what was happening. Al Roker on the other hand probably has 6-8 honey buns on him at any given time. In all honesty if the bureau chief came in and said pack up you’re on the next flight out to Port au Prince, grabbing your fishing gear might not be a bad idea, at the end of the day it is still a sea side port in the Caribbean! Now for the Middle East assignments not sure the same can be said, perhaps some SPF 50 (mayonnaise), wrap around sun glasses, flip flops, a parasol, a full spandex one-piece (sand has the innate ability to migrate and defy gravity) and a Gilligan hat might have one better prepared. It does seem quite audacious that many a news folk feel it proper to dawn the woolen pea-coat in front of their peers, but the instant it’s off to another country/continent/hemisphere it’s time to “go casual” and break out the khaki, navy blue, forest green and brown uniform. But a real hats off to those that decide it’s a good idea to accessorize as well, perhaps incorporating a local piece (scraf/wrap/burkah) or even better is the flack-jacket and helmet! Hey reporter person you are fooling no one, just because they love mushy rice and don’t speak your language doesn’t mean they are brain dead! You can’t help but think there are citizens scattered about the Amazon, Iran, Darfur, Laos, Arkansas and Guatemala that wonder who is this awkward army that bring only cameras and microphones to a region in turmoil?

* Columbia, Patagonia, The North Face and Orvis all declined The Levee’s request to be interviewed for this piece.

Volunteers needed: Head coaching experience a plus.

My oh my, how things have gotten interesting in college football lately, especially considering the next game won’t be played until Sept. 2nd of 2010. Instead of a monologue-esque debriefing let us just bullet point the highlights with thought and opinion intertwined:

* Colt McCoy gets engaged with a romantic 50 yard line proposal to long time girl friend and frequent 1st runner-up in Jessica Simpson look-a-like contests. Colt hit a knee, began his spiel and quickly motioned for Garret Gilbert to come in and finish up for him. In other news it was reported the Jordan Shipley was seen stumbling around 6th street rambling to anyone who would listen saying “I was only in it for the pub anyway, I prefer point guards!” Regardless, we honestly hope it was just your arm that died the other night Colt!

* Pete Carroll abandons the sinking USC ship, which is at threat to be pillaged by NCAA sanctions, for the football fertile Pacific Northwest of Seattle Washington. Careful Pete, Sea Hawks feed on rats.

* Jim Leavitt takes South Florida from literally no existing football program and working/changing/training/coaching out of double wide trailers to a perennial bowl team in 13 years! But apparently the 1980’s playground favorite “slaps” is frowned upon between coach and player, subsequently Jim has joined Capt. Leach as first mate on the SS Woody Hayes. God Speed gentlemen.

* Urban Meyer has quit, un-quit, and finally decided to take an extended leave of absence at some point from coaching the Gators. You think that’s crazy, try waking up in a cave, wrapped in linen cloth and spices then having to roll back a huge boulder just to get some fresh air, that’s what Tebow’s been dealing with.

* Lane Kiffin has left the Tennessee program after one mediocre yet tumultuous year to take over the helm at said sinking ship USC. He has taken his father and a few others with him from Knoxville; included in the group is none other than grade A class act and complete lunatic Ed Orgeron. This man has the same effect on a child that a first time jack-in the-box toy encounter has, leaving them paralyzed with fear and more than likely requiring some therapy. It is reported the as Kiffin was trying to tell his current Tenn. players the situation (situation = I’m getting the F out of Tennessee and heading back to Cali for twice the money and 18 times the scenery), old Coach O was on the phone with Tenn. recruits and early enrollees (some of whom were in the room with team and Kiffin) telling them to jump ship/skip class/don’t enroll and come with them to Southern Cal. The classiness is strong with this one. By 2am Wednesday morning, those west bound moving vans out of Knoxville had already hit Mtn time. Pretty sure the Kiffin children won’t be making it to school the rest of this week.

The next big day for college football will be the first of February when thousands of hopeful high school seniors will sign their letters of intent to play ball at one of the hundreds of colleges that have football programs. To the majority of you, we say good luck, to those handful of others, and you know who you are, break a leg!

Maybe a dead arm wouldn't have thrown 4 int's?

They say that one mans junk is another mans treasure, if it were Brent Musburger saying that about Colt McCoy and Jordan Shipley it would have some validity, but ironically neither was the inspiration for that. Now, one mans pain is another’s pleasure is more like it and watching the expressions of pain from the burnt orange nation last night was a pleasure indeed. In a classical match-up of Corner Office versus Cubicle, the college football world zeroed in on the BCS National Championship game at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena CA last evening. And for those of you too busy draining water lines and wrapping sheets and heat lamps around your hydrangeas, the Cubicles rose up and defeated the Corner Offices. But sometimes in defeat comes small victories, like Texas fans having the built in excuse of “But Colt was hurt." They could be right or they could be wrong, but what is right is that we will never know, a lot like whether or not TCU could have beaten both Bama and Texas, oh never mind we do know that’s not true. It was intriguing that over the course of the year Texas safety Blake Gideon apparently learned how to catch the football, hauling in an impressive interception on an Alabama fake punt (ironically had he batted the ball down, the Whorns would have gotten the ball even closer to the end zone, thus probably not having to have Colt run the “fall on top of the left guard and get ribs and shoulder cracked play” but I digress) but like they say the good lord giveth and the good lord taketh away, somewhere between all the catching sessions Blake forgot how to tackle. He personally made Mark Ingram look like, well a Heisman winner. Sorry for that lay-up, I have to appease the simpletons as well. Also while were on it can Texas spring for some Velcro shoes for ol Mack, he looked like he was giving that shoe a 10 minute prostate exam on the sideline. And after watching Nick Saban almost morph into Nick Satan after the Gatorade dunking makes one want to see them win a big game on a very cold night to see if he really loses it and moves in with a single mother, her mom and her effeminate son. Hey Nick, you just won the National Championship and got a $400K bonus; get over your nips being a little perky. All in all a great game and a personal thank you to ABC for not plastering Mathew McConaughey all over the screen, seeing Vince and his pencil thin beard was enough.

So here’s to another college football season in the books, and as of today my team is as good as yours, so suck it.

The BCS worked, at least for one game.

Attn: Gary Patterson, just because you wear a mock turtle neck Dry-Fit, we don’t confuse you for a marathoner, just as having a gym membership makes no guarantee of a lean body, perhaps a wind breaker would complement the visor and swollen intestines a little better. Poor TCU who felt disrespected by having to go to the Fiesta Bowl and mingle with the ilk from Boise State, instead of getting a shot at Bama or Texas, you should be glad you weren’t at the Emerald Bowl where you belonged. I couldn’t help but think about all the TCU tough guys (Reader: don’t be sidetracked with laughter) who, after the bowls were announced, swore on their Butler’s grave that given the chance would whip Bama or Texas, to then go and stink up the joint like last night. Thanks for proving that, at least for this year the BCS got part of it right. Better luck this spring, hopefully y’all won’t screw Spring Break up.