Parody want a cracker?

So if picking winners were easy, everyone would do it right? But it’s not, however if The Levee’s advice had been followed, you would have been -1 unit on the 1-Trinas, -4 units on the 2-Trinas and +3 units on the 3-Trinas, for a net -2 units. Okay, so you would still have been in the red, and now you have to take the old lady to El Chico instead of Morton’s this week due to losses incurred and a diminishing net worth. It’s a long season, deal with it, in fact according to Chairman of the Fed Ben Bernanke the recession is “technically” over. What the hell does that mean Ben? Isn’t technically usually the precursor to something you don’t want to hear? Think about the last time someone began a comment with “technically”. It was probably followed with something the likes of, “________, yes I do posses the skills that would allow me to set you up with free movie channels and pay per view, but it might cost me my job w/ Comcast.” See bad news. But hey at least when the wife asks if you asked for it, you can tell her “technically I asked the cable guy, but ____ was being a snatch and something about loosing his job, whatever, I quit listening at technically.” See more bad news in a statement started with “technically.” But I digress. Let us get back to what matters most, let us get back to College Football. Like every year, although we act completely blindsided when it happens, ol Miss Parody has once again made her way into this season. She has gone the way of Mathew McConaughey and surfaced at way to many games, and it’s only week two! It started when the Steve “I’m only here for my Augusta Country Club membership” Spurrier led Gamecocks mustered a coma inducing 7 points against the State school of North Carolina, yet still got the W. That was followed by the Kimbo Slicing that occurred after Boise St. had their way with the PAC 10 title dreaming Duck’s of Oregon. Then Colorado State goes into Boulder and whips team Hawkins in front of 50,000 chafed rock climbers. Can you imagine the number of slashed Subaru tires after that one; it’s hard to have all wheel drive with only 3 tires now isn’t it! Syracuse got decent play from ex-Duke point guard Greg Paulus, and actually put some points on the board, they still lost, but they now know that the bulbs for the HOME team score on the scoreboard work, baby steps Cuse, baby steps. The Oklahoma Sooners got manhandled by a bunch of missionaries and lost their main brave in the process. Navy sailed into the Horseshoe and took the “I” dotters to the brink, some think The Tyrelle Pryor was thinking about how well he could have thrived in Rich Rod’s system at Michigan, considering all that extra practice and what not. UGA rolled into Stillwater in the most anticipated matchup of the day and got handled by the Pokes of Oklahoma State. Al Groh and his Virginia Cavaliers managed to lay down to both William and Mary, that won’t sit well in the Commonwealth. So the point should be clear that parody was alive and well right out of the blocks in the ’09 college football season. To drive the point home one need not look further than week two to see team Hawkins once again getting embarrassed, this time at the hands of the mighty Toledo Rockets or Notre Dame getting bested by Michigan, or the Cajuns that Rage in Lafayette serving beer in a college stadium just to insure that everyone was well primed for their victory party over Kansas State, or Oklahoma State following up a triumphant victory over Georgia only to have Houston’s Cougars come into Boone Pickens diorama and hang 45 on them, or a few Levee favorites, Texas unable to cover against Louisiana Monroe or Wyoming and then LSU unable to cover for the second week in a row, in a night game, in Baton Rouge no Les….miles, against the imposing Commodores of Vanderbilt. But at the end of the day aren’t these the reasons we so dutifully tune in week in and week out? Yes it is exactly why; look we all like Miss Parody when she’s skull pounding a rival, but the second she plants her keester on your team’s sideline one Saturday afternoon, while playing Arkansas State, it’s a real kick in the junk, trust us. But she’s also the reason many start twisting lids at noon on Saturday to start feeling right again and also to watch Fresno St. push Wisconsin into overtime, thus solidifying the +8.5 cover! Folks, I have excellent news, we are only half way through September, meaning there are still ~4 months of this insanity left to go. So let’s go Kanye, grab some Hennessey and redirect the spotlight on some of this weeks most intriguing match ups.

Tennessee v. Florida – Lane Kiffin hasn’t exactly endeared himself to Gatornation, accusing Urban Meyer of recruiting violations and then sarcastically referring to the ’09 Gators as probably the best team ever to play college football. Lane, we hope you packed your jean shorts, because the whipping might get deep in The Swamp and you’ll at least want to fit in.

Georgia Tech v. Miami – Attention: Lady’s and Haitian’s, The U is on their way back. After outlasting Coach Bobby “which team are we again” Bowden’s Noles in a thriller, the Canes will take on a solid GT team led by ACC player of the year Jonathan Dwyer. Engineers versus Paroles, should be a good one.

Duke v. Kansas – If Duke’s bigs can get physical on the boards, hit some 3 balls early and keep KU’s transition points to a minimum; the Dukey’s have a chance. Look for The Phog to be brimming with heavy jayhawketes and desperate jaycocks.

Nebraska v. Virginia Tech – 10 years ago in Lincoln and 7 years ago in Blacksburg this would have been a hell of a game, unfortunately neither team could get all their criminals on the field at the same time. There will be plenty of Ramen noodles and Twinkies wagered on this one. Leavenworth might go on lock down.

Rice v. Oklahoma State – Will Oklahoma State get Two-ston’d? That’s 0-2 against Houston area teams, Think Houston Rockets dynasty circa mid 90’s. Or is this Gundy’s cheap way of recruiting the Greater Houston area? As if the hunters blaze orange billboards in Hobby Airport weren’t doing enough.

Louisville v. Kentucky – See Duke/Kansas, but between extra marital affairs and DWI’s this might get testy. If KU wins will Calipari get to keep it? Check back in 5 years.

And now a personal favorite of The Levee:

Texas Tech v. Texas – There was a time when The Levee would have pulled for the Taliban versus the Longhorns, but with the annoyingly strong emergence of over the top Red Raider fan, much due to Barry O’s shovel ready job projects; The Levee finds itself in the proverbial quagmire. But it’s not about The Levee; it’s about Texas University and Texas Technological University. You see on one side you have the self proclaimed Texas elitist and on the other side you’ll find the “I would sell my soul to be a Texas Elitist, but I was hung over for my SAT’s,” crowd. Both equally obnoxious and self righteous and beneath the dim light of a trendy Houston bar equally hard to discern, and as it should come as no surprise, one side likes it that way! This game forges rivalries within many inner circles, roommate against roommate, one pays a mortgage and the other pays him rent; father against son, hey father can only pass on half his genes; boyfriend against girlfriend, look at least she’s hot; boss against employee, self explanatory. So come game day some will don the orange Lacoste while others the black or red, that is understood and goes without saying, but the real question for all will be whether to sport the brown or the black Gucci loafers? Regardless, here’s too a maze of puddles between your SUV’s and the stadium!

Check back to get The Levee’s Locks for 9/19, which should be available at some point tomorrow.